I really need to stop focusing on this so-called "diagnosis" so much and start focusing on The Prize. I have invested soo much time and energy into creating playlists, reading about BPD, reading other self-help books, texting my life away, compulsively texting and emailing people, pushing people away, which is exactly what I want to stop doing. I dont' want to change, but I want to change. What is the scripture about knowing what I don't want to do but I still do what I do not want to do? Yeah that's it. I have become absolutely obsessed with trying to figure out how I can get people to understand and know and accept me. Dr. Kurtz, Kristin, Shannon, Kim, etc. etc., even my own self. Emptyness = depression. Emptyness = lack of faith. What is it? What Laws do apply to us as God's people and which ones do not? He is attracted to lost sheep. But does He think of me as a lost one or just one of the 99 that sins? He loves me no matter what-nothing can separate us. But we are not to sin just because we know we will be forgiven. What does this mean??????? I am so confused and yet so caught up in obsessively thinking and it just won't stopppp.
My goal for this week is to limit texting. It has proven to be a little destructive lately. So I am going to try to keep it to Mom, Dad, Frank, and school MATTERS only. Not just school people, but only school issues. And the cell phone should be hidden when I drink. That would be the wiser decision. Period.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Another semester...
Well, I made it through another semester...somehow. By God's grace, I suppose.
This summer was full of the busyness of 3 classes and working in the lab which provided me an assistantship. ohhhh...and lots of therapy. And a 2 new roommates. And 1 new dog. And lots of reading. And lots of music. And... Waumba Land, of course. Let's see...anything else??
Fortunately, I feel like the latest storm has passed, although it took a whopping 6 months, I'd say. At least. Sure, I'm feeling better now, but there's always a fear of when the next storm will hit. And as in every one, I always fear that I won't be able to make it through even one more. I have certainly had some experiences...
Oh, and did I forget to mention the latest possible diagnosis as a part of my list of summer events?? Well, it is the latest piece of the puzzle of my life, I suppose. BPD. I was quite taken aback when it came up actually, and yet it fits perfectly. Well, almost perfectly. I have read a couple of books on it now, including "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Get Me Out of Here". The latter is one of the best books I've ever read when it comes to a memoir that I can relate to. I don't exactly know how to explain it. I've taken a lot of notes, and it's brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts. Maybe when I finish it I will write some sort of summary or include some sort of list of quotes I strongly relate to.
So, just a few days off before yet another semester begins. I pray that the coming school year will be much better than the last. Not just scholastically, but personally/emotionally. I dont' think I can handle another catastrophic thought taking over my rational mind.
I'm doing my best not to text or email Dr. K, but it has proven to be quite a challenge. I don't know why I still feel the need to. In addition, I am obsessed with several people who have been or are a part of my life. I dont' know why these ideas are dominating my mind so much. I even fear the time when I will move away and no longer see Dr. K. This is a relatively long way off, too.
Well, I better wrap it up. I dont' want to necessarily open a can of worms tonight. Just thought I'd get a few thoughts down.
Until next time,
me
This summer was full of the busyness of 3 classes and working in the lab which provided me an assistantship. ohhhh...and lots of therapy. And a 2 new roommates. And 1 new dog. And lots of reading. And lots of music. And... Waumba Land, of course. Let's see...anything else??
Fortunately, I feel like the latest storm has passed, although it took a whopping 6 months, I'd say. At least. Sure, I'm feeling better now, but there's always a fear of when the next storm will hit. And as in every one, I always fear that I won't be able to make it through even one more. I have certainly had some experiences...
Oh, and did I forget to mention the latest possible diagnosis as a part of my list of summer events?? Well, it is the latest piece of the puzzle of my life, I suppose. BPD. I was quite taken aback when it came up actually, and yet it fits perfectly. Well, almost perfectly. I have read a couple of books on it now, including "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Get Me Out of Here". The latter is one of the best books I've ever read when it comes to a memoir that I can relate to. I don't exactly know how to explain it. I've taken a lot of notes, and it's brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts. Maybe when I finish it I will write some sort of summary or include some sort of list of quotes I strongly relate to.
So, just a few days off before yet another semester begins. I pray that the coming school year will be much better than the last. Not just scholastically, but personally/emotionally. I dont' think I can handle another catastrophic thought taking over my rational mind.
I'm doing my best not to text or email Dr. K, but it has proven to be quite a challenge. I don't know why I still feel the need to. In addition, I am obsessed with several people who have been or are a part of my life. I dont' know why these ideas are dominating my mind so much. I even fear the time when I will move away and no longer see Dr. K. This is a relatively long way off, too.
Well, I better wrap it up. I dont' want to necessarily open a can of worms tonight. Just thought I'd get a few thoughts down.
Until next time,
me
Monday, July 13, 2009
Maybe I can make a difference...
Well, I haven't written in a while again, I guess some because I haven't had much time, some because I've been writing a little in a handwritten journal,and I guess some because I just haven't been motivated to do so.
Anyway, I wanted to write about something I just experienced before I forget it.
This afternoon, I tested a 13 year old boy in the lab, and both of his parents came to fill out their questionairres, as well. He kind of had the "punk" look, with longer dark hair, a black t-shirt, baggy jeans, and dirty Puma shoes. He was really quiet and didn't have much to say when I tried to strike up some conversation or make some silly remarks. Needless to say, I was really interested in figuring him out in the time that I was spending with him. During the cognitive test, I wavered on thinking he was really smart, average, and the amount of effort he was making in each subtest. On the first subtest, I knew the words that most kids his age know. On the numbers reversed and the numbers/things subtests, he spent little energy trying to remember numbers, but when he did, he knew them. On the concept formation, he must not have been paying attention to the directions because he wasn't really following them. In fact, I repeated them for him a couple of times, going against my own training and instructions, but I just KNEW that he would respond with the correct answers if he understood the directions clearly. In the number matching subtest, I was curious because he circled the 1 and 2 digit numbers so quickly that I was astonished. But when he got to the 3 digit numbers, it seemed that they really were jumbled up in his mind. All in all, he did a really good job on the test.
In the physio session, I was a bit hesitant as to his comfort level with Maria and me putting electrodes on him and explaining the procedure to him. He was very modest, as most teenagers are, but still really quiet. Throughout the session, he stayed very still as instructed, but for the most part, he hung his head down so that his hair was in his face. I've seen a lot of different behaviors behind that 2-way mirror, but this kid just stuck out for me.
When we finished with the physio, his parents came back into the lab from their smoke break- Sophie took D (the kid) into the room for the questionairres, adn his parents immediately confronted me to tell me of their concerns about their child. They proceeded to tell me that they were worried about him because he is so introverted, and that his grandmother, grandfather, and great-grandmother had all died in the last few months, and that they - his parents- were divorced but are now reconciling their differences and are back together (they say this while putting arms around each other and smiling). They also told me that he has an older sister who is a trophy queen of sports, academics, and popularity, and that he lives in her shadow all the time. When I asked about how they get along, they laughed and said not very well because he feels so inferior to her because of all of her accollades and apparently she rubs them all in his face. I further asked about his interests, and they told me that he enjoys cars, drag racing, and he loves reading. They said he has always loved to read and reiterated how much of an introvert he is. I also asked about his school performance, and they said he has always been a great student and still is- he just doesn't have the trophies to show for it. I asked about his peer relationships, and they said he does have friends, but they live in a remote area and they aren't very close. I assured them that as long as he continues to do well in school, plays with some friends, and has his "niche", that he should be ok, but that their concern is understandable. I also let them know that they could contact us if there was anything that we do for them.
All this to say... when I walked out of the lab today, I felt really confident and worthwhile. I finally felt that I did something more than give a kid a test and write down some numbers. I felt excited and curious immediately about what his responses to the questionairres were- I almost wanted to do them myself, instead of having Sophie administer them. I immediately thought about which ones would be of concern, particularly the CDI, Parental Knowledge and Disclosure Questionairre, the Harter questionaire, RCMAS, etc. I wondered, with all of that going on in his life and his expression being so inward, what is really going on in his mind? I also thought about how well he sleeps with all of these things going on in his mind. I'm thinking about these things when I'm off campus. I'm thinking about how I hope this will be what my job is like, and not just about testing kids and talking to teachers about how to teach them- I'm hoping that if I have a more personal interaction with these kids, I will really like my job at the end of the day. I'm feeling confident and content. I'm feeling that my work in school really might be worth it in the end if I get a job that I enjoy and feel like I'm making a difference. I'm thinking, there are resources out there for kids and parents to reach out to, and most of them don't know about them or don't think they are worth making an effort to obtain, and I hope that they can come in contact with people who actually care and who actually can help them.
So that's my epiphany of the day. Here's to keeping up the motivation...
~MA
Anyway, I wanted to write about something I just experienced before I forget it.
This afternoon, I tested a 13 year old boy in the lab, and both of his parents came to fill out their questionairres, as well. He kind of had the "punk" look, with longer dark hair, a black t-shirt, baggy jeans, and dirty Puma shoes. He was really quiet and didn't have much to say when I tried to strike up some conversation or make some silly remarks. Needless to say, I was really interested in figuring him out in the time that I was spending with him. During the cognitive test, I wavered on thinking he was really smart, average, and the amount of effort he was making in each subtest. On the first subtest, I knew the words that most kids his age know. On the numbers reversed and the numbers/things subtests, he spent little energy trying to remember numbers, but when he did, he knew them. On the concept formation, he must not have been paying attention to the directions because he wasn't really following them. In fact, I repeated them for him a couple of times, going against my own training and instructions, but I just KNEW that he would respond with the correct answers if he understood the directions clearly. In the number matching subtest, I was curious because he circled the 1 and 2 digit numbers so quickly that I was astonished. But when he got to the 3 digit numbers, it seemed that they really were jumbled up in his mind. All in all, he did a really good job on the test.
In the physio session, I was a bit hesitant as to his comfort level with Maria and me putting electrodes on him and explaining the procedure to him. He was very modest, as most teenagers are, but still really quiet. Throughout the session, he stayed very still as instructed, but for the most part, he hung his head down so that his hair was in his face. I've seen a lot of different behaviors behind that 2-way mirror, but this kid just stuck out for me.
When we finished with the physio, his parents came back into the lab from their smoke break- Sophie took D (the kid) into the room for the questionairres, adn his parents immediately confronted me to tell me of their concerns about their child. They proceeded to tell me that they were worried about him because he is so introverted, and that his grandmother, grandfather, and great-grandmother had all died in the last few months, and that they - his parents- were divorced but are now reconciling their differences and are back together (they say this while putting arms around each other and smiling). They also told me that he has an older sister who is a trophy queen of sports, academics, and popularity, and that he lives in her shadow all the time. When I asked about how they get along, they laughed and said not very well because he feels so inferior to her because of all of her accollades and apparently she rubs them all in his face. I further asked about his interests, and they told me that he enjoys cars, drag racing, and he loves reading. They said he has always loved to read and reiterated how much of an introvert he is. I also asked about his school performance, and they said he has always been a great student and still is- he just doesn't have the trophies to show for it. I asked about his peer relationships, and they said he does have friends, but they live in a remote area and they aren't very close. I assured them that as long as he continues to do well in school, plays with some friends, and has his "niche", that he should be ok, but that their concern is understandable. I also let them know that they could contact us if there was anything that we do for them.
All this to say... when I walked out of the lab today, I felt really confident and worthwhile. I finally felt that I did something more than give a kid a test and write down some numbers. I felt excited and curious immediately about what his responses to the questionairres were- I almost wanted to do them myself, instead of having Sophie administer them. I immediately thought about which ones would be of concern, particularly the CDI, Parental Knowledge and Disclosure Questionairre, the Harter questionaire, RCMAS, etc. I wondered, with all of that going on in his life and his expression being so inward, what is really going on in his mind? I also thought about how well he sleeps with all of these things going on in his mind. I'm thinking about these things when I'm off campus. I'm thinking about how I hope this will be what my job is like, and not just about testing kids and talking to teachers about how to teach them- I'm hoping that if I have a more personal interaction with these kids, I will really like my job at the end of the day. I'm feeling confident and content. I'm feeling that my work in school really might be worth it in the end if I get a job that I enjoy and feel like I'm making a difference. I'm thinking, there are resources out there for kids and parents to reach out to, and most of them don't know about them or don't think they are worth making an effort to obtain, and I hope that they can come in contact with people who actually care and who actually can help them.
So that's my epiphany of the day. Here's to keeping up the motivation...
~MA
Friday, June 26, 2009
It's Been Awhile.
So it's been awhile. I guess I have been either too busy to blog, or when not busy, just not up to putting my feelings out there any more than I already was. Anywho.
I'm on the up... It sucks taking all these drugs, but then again, who knows what's making me better. It could be any number of things. Therapy, for one, but I don't know if I believe that it actually can affect your depression. I know I know, they say it does and I for one should believe in it- I have always believed it for others (because that's what the research says), but have always been skeptical when it comes to myself. Ok, so Synthroid, for another. Low thyroid = low energy and depression. So I've been taking Synthroid for about 2 months now. Vitamin B. I have been swallowing Vitamin B like candy. Lexapro, 30mg. Could be that, too. And the latest drug: Lamictal. An anti-convulsant, a mood-stabilizer. I don't know that i have been taking it long enough to take any effect- And though it could be a placebo effect, I highly doubt it, seeing as how I have become very discouraged/disillusioned/skeptical about yet another pill. Anywho, I have also been a lot busier. And as I have been reflecting on this, I think more and more every day that this has been the greatest drug of all. Busyness = less time to think, less time to sleep, less time to mope, etc. etc. etc.
So that's that. Here's hoping that the storm won't come back for a while, and the up and up will continue. Also, I'm changing the name of my blog.
Peace.
I'm on the up... It sucks taking all these drugs, but then again, who knows what's making me better. It could be any number of things. Therapy, for one, but I don't know if I believe that it actually can affect your depression. I know I know, they say it does and I for one should believe in it- I have always believed it for others (because that's what the research says), but have always been skeptical when it comes to myself. Ok, so Synthroid, for another. Low thyroid = low energy and depression. So I've been taking Synthroid for about 2 months now. Vitamin B. I have been swallowing Vitamin B like candy. Lexapro, 30mg. Could be that, too. And the latest drug: Lamictal. An anti-convulsant, a mood-stabilizer. I don't know that i have been taking it long enough to take any effect- And though it could be a placebo effect, I highly doubt it, seeing as how I have become very discouraged/disillusioned/skeptical about yet another pill. Anywho, I have also been a lot busier. And as I have been reflecting on this, I think more and more every day that this has been the greatest drug of all. Busyness = less time to think, less time to sleep, less time to mope, etc. etc. etc.
So that's that. Here's hoping that the storm won't come back for a while, and the up and up will continue. Also, I'm changing the name of my blog.
Peace.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I don't know where this is going.
The title speaks truth...I really don't know where this is going. I am going to just try writing. It's been so long, I almost feel detached from my own blog. I have come to the point in which I don't even want to use my energy to write what thoughts and feelings are coming. Instead, I sleep. I imagine myself going to some rehab center, and, standing in front of a podium, I say "Hi. My name is M.E.A., and my drug of choice is sleep." Don't laugh. It's true. At least Dr. K recognizes it...I sleep to avoid things. Thoughts. Feelings. Talking to people. Working. Reading. You name it. I'd rather sleep.
My throat burns as I have all these thoughts and feelings sitting there, but I seem unable to be able to purge them. I miss Doug. I feel alone. Do I talk to my parents? Am I just blowing things with them out of proportion?? I am angry at Julie. I still think about Jenna. What will it be like living without Kari next door to me? Will SA ever forget about that night and be normal around me? Is SK over it and comfortable around me now? Why do I fuck up seemingly good friendships?
Jesus, school is going to be hard this semester. No really. I have to write shit every 2 days for this one class, a lot like Kluck's reflection papers, which I HAAAAATED. I have so much shit to read. There's no way I'm going to read it all. Our morning Tues/Thurs dude speaks so far over my head that I feel like a dumbass. And our only grades are tests...great. I suck at tests. I'm not feeling very hopeful about academia this summer!!!
Hopefully the assistantship will go well. If nothing else, it will give me something to do....ANNND pay my freaking tuition. I'm not stoked about giving WJIIIs all the time, but hey, isn't that going to be part of my job?? Which leads me into scary, doubting feelings about career choice....what if I am putting myself through all of this and I don't enjoy school psychology? What if I suck at it? What if the 3 letters after my name aren't worth all of this work?? This is so scary to me. If I don't do this, what will I do? The truth is, it is honestly (has always been) difficult for me to picture myself in the future. I dont' know if it's because I have no dreams or if it's just part of being a pessimist. Sometimes I hoenstly think that I am going to die before I get there. That's all I can say about that.
Well I can't think of anything else to write about.
Until next time.
me.
My throat burns as I have all these thoughts and feelings sitting there, but I seem unable to be able to purge them. I miss Doug. I feel alone. Do I talk to my parents? Am I just blowing things with them out of proportion?? I am angry at Julie. I still think about Jenna. What will it be like living without Kari next door to me? Will SA ever forget about that night and be normal around me? Is SK over it and comfortable around me now? Why do I fuck up seemingly good friendships?
Jesus, school is going to be hard this semester. No really. I have to write shit every 2 days for this one class, a lot like Kluck's reflection papers, which I HAAAAATED. I have so much shit to read. There's no way I'm going to read it all. Our morning Tues/Thurs dude speaks so far over my head that I feel like a dumbass. And our only grades are tests...great. I suck at tests. I'm not feeling very hopeful about academia this summer!!!
Hopefully the assistantship will go well. If nothing else, it will give me something to do....ANNND pay my freaking tuition. I'm not stoked about giving WJIIIs all the time, but hey, isn't that going to be part of my job?? Which leads me into scary, doubting feelings about career choice....what if I am putting myself through all of this and I don't enjoy school psychology? What if I suck at it? What if the 3 letters after my name aren't worth all of this work?? This is so scary to me. If I don't do this, what will I do? The truth is, it is honestly (has always been) difficult for me to picture myself in the future. I dont' know if it's because I have no dreams or if it's just part of being a pessimist. Sometimes I hoenstly think that I am going to die before I get there. That's all I can say about that.
Well I can't think of anything else to write about.
Until next time.
me.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
With or Without You
It's been awhile. Well, I have been working on writing this paper all day today, so I'm not really up for blogging, but I was just listening to this song, and I can't help but relate it to the feelings I have right now about J- It sounds dumb, but ever since I saw her again last week, and again last night (completely coincidently), I just feel so obsessive again. Uggh I've got to get out of this funk. Anyway, here's my song...
"With Or Without You" lyrics by U2
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
"With Or Without You" lyrics by U2
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
Monday, April 20, 2009
Shinkeishitsu = me
So in reading for a class about Eastern psychological theories, I think I have official discovered myself. Shinkeishitsu = me! This is a type of neurosis characterized by anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Read below to find out exactly what my source says...
Shinkeishitsu neurosis generally includes three clinical groups: neurasthenia, anxiety neurosis, and obsessional fears. These clients are introverted, pessimistic, socially inhibited, perfectionistic, oversensitive, critical of self, have somatic and psychologic complaints, and feel inferior.
...
However, shinkeishitsu clients are described as demonstrating the Japanese concept of sei no yokubo (ie. the desire to live fully). They tend to be brighter than normal, ambitious, high achievers, intellectually oriented, and anxious to be rid of their symptoms. Morita believed that the shinkeishitsu symptoms indicate just how strongly they have sei no yokubo. These individuals have sei no chikara (ie. the strength of life) that obsessively drives them to seek a "cure"...
...
In Japanese usage, the term homophobia refers to 'undue or irrational anxiety, fear, and discomfort in or in prospect of interaction with fellow human beings. Shinkeishitsu clients are generally overly sensitive, have problems relating to people and are self-conscious in public. Reynolds (1980) claimed they bombard themselves with questions such as "What do people think of me?" "Does everyone see my weaknesses?" "Why don't I accomplish more?" Their response to this, of course, tends to be avoidance of social situations, when possible, and more of a flight inward...
Shinkeishitsu neurosis generally includes three clinical groups: neurasthenia, anxiety neurosis, and obsessional fears. These clients are introverted, pessimistic, socially inhibited, perfectionistic, oversensitive, critical of self, have somatic and psychologic complaints, and feel inferior.
...
However, shinkeishitsu clients are described as demonstrating the Japanese concept of sei no yokubo (ie. the desire to live fully). They tend to be brighter than normal, ambitious, high achievers, intellectually oriented, and anxious to be rid of their symptoms. Morita believed that the shinkeishitsu symptoms indicate just how strongly they have sei no yokubo. These individuals have sei no chikara (ie. the strength of life) that obsessively drives them to seek a "cure"...
...
In Japanese usage, the term homophobia refers to 'undue or irrational anxiety, fear, and discomfort in or in prospect of interaction with fellow human beings. Shinkeishitsu clients are generally overly sensitive, have problems relating to people and are self-conscious in public. Reynolds (1980) claimed they bombard themselves with questions such as "What do people think of me?" "Does everyone see my weaknesses?" "Why don't I accomplish more?" Their response to this, of course, tends to be avoidance of social situations, when possible, and more of a flight inward...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
'Beating My Heart'
"Beating My Heart"
by Jon McLaughlin
There are times every now and then
I forget why I'm breathing out
And why I'm breathing in
And I get so sick with the little things
I can't relax when it's happening
To know what it means
It means
And then I open my eyes
And I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart
Look at the sky
I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart
I go extra miles to show
That You are the one thing that I've got
Look at the sky
I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart
There's a sun coming over the horizon
I wanna know where it's coming from
But doesn't everyone
It's like who am I and why am I here
This whole world will take me down
Without You standing by my side
My side
You're holding onto me
You're making everything inside
Come alive
by Jon McLaughlin
There are times every now and then
I forget why I'm breathing out
And why I'm breathing in
And I get so sick with the little things
I can't relax when it's happening
To know what it means
It means
And then I open my eyes
And I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart
Look at the sky
I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart
I go extra miles to show
That You are the one thing that I've got
Look at the sky
I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart
There's a sun coming over the horizon
I wanna know where it's coming from
But doesn't everyone
It's like who am I and why am I here
This whole world will take me down
Without You standing by my side
My side
You're holding onto me
You're making everything inside
Come alive
Great News
Great News...I got the assistantship for at least the summer. This means that my tuition (almost $10k/semester) will be completely paid for, and in addition, I will also be paid. This is super-duper. Pray that I will find satisfaction (success) in this and that I will be excited about this great opportunity...and that I will fulfill my duties as necessary, and get the opportunity to continue the assistantship through the Fall and Spring of the coming school year...that would be reallllllllly great.
~me
~me
'Happiness'
"Happiness"
by The Fray
Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?
Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go*
But you are gone- not for good but for now*
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good*
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all*
Let it go, live your life and leave it*
Then one day, you'll wake up and she’ll be home*
Home, home, home
by The Fray
Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?
Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go*
But you are gone- not for good but for now*
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good*
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all*
Let it go, live your life and leave it*
Then one day, you'll wake up and she’ll be home*
Home, home, home
J.D.
"Where The Story Ends"
by The Fray
Trying not to lose my head but I have never been this scared before
Tell you what I'll do instead, lay my body down on the floor
To forget what I've done, silhouette til the good lord come
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
Trying not to lose your own, boxing up everything, you've got
All you ever knew of home, you're scared scared to see
Your mother there in the door, you wonder where did the years go
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
But this is how the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
The violins make no sound
And I begin to feel the ground
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
But this is where the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
"Ungodly Hour"
by The Fray
Don't talk, don't say a thing
Cause your eyes they tell me more than your words
Don't go, don't leave me now
Cause they say the best way out is through
And I am short on words knowing what's occurred
She begins to leave because of me
Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour
I know you're leaving now
Cause I held on to my way tightly
Stay still until you know
Tomorrow finds the best way out is through
And I am short on words knowing what's occurred
She begins to leave because of me
Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour
by The Fray
Trying not to lose my head but I have never been this scared before
Tell you what I'll do instead, lay my body down on the floor
To forget what I've done, silhouette til the good lord come
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
Trying not to lose your own, boxing up everything, you've got
All you ever knew of home, you're scared scared to see
Your mother there in the door, you wonder where did the years go
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
But this is how the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
The violins make no sound
And I begin to feel the ground
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
But this is where the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
"Ungodly Hour"
by The Fray
Don't talk, don't say a thing
Cause your eyes they tell me more than your words
Don't go, don't leave me now
Cause they say the best way out is through
And I am short on words knowing what's occurred
She begins to leave because of me
Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour
I know you're leaving now
Cause I held on to my way tightly
Stay still until you know
Tomorrow finds the best way out is through
And I am short on words knowing what's occurred
She begins to leave because of me
Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour
Where are you?
Where are you, you who will comfort me and hold me??
"Say When"
by The Fray
I see you there, don't know where you come from
Unaware the stare from someone
Don't appear to care that I saw ya. And I want you
What's your name
Cuz' I have to know it
You let me in and begin to show it
We're terrified 'cuz we're heading straight for it, might get it.
You're in the song playing on the background
All alone but you're turning up now
And everyone is rising to meet you, to greet you
Turn around and you're walking toward me
I'm breaking down and you're breathing slowly
Say the word and I will be your man, your man
[Chorus]
Say when
And my own two hands will comfort you
Tonight, tonight
Say when
And my own two arms will carry you
Tonight, tonight
"Say When"
by The Fray
I see you there, don't know where you come from
Unaware the stare from someone
Don't appear to care that I saw ya. And I want you
What's your name
Cuz' I have to know it
You let me in and begin to show it
We're terrified 'cuz we're heading straight for it, might get it.
You're in the song playing on the background
All alone but you're turning up now
And everyone is rising to meet you, to greet you
Turn around and you're walking toward me
I'm breaking down and you're breathing slowly
Say the word and I will be your man, your man
[Chorus]
Say when
And my own two hands will comfort you
Tonight, tonight
Say when
And my own two arms will carry you
Tonight, tonight
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Going Nuts but Some Potential Good News
Damn I am tired...mentally. I could potentially be going nuts... I cannot stand to be inside of myself. I know that what I have to stay probably makes absolutely no sense. But I can't help it. I just have this constant jittery feeling, like what will I do with myself next?? I can't sit still for more than a minute, which makes for HELL when you have 3 hour classes, not to mention 2 of those back 2 back. Ughhh...have I mentioned before how much I hate Tuesdays?? I keep complaining to everyone how I hate sitting through these classes, and they all seem to respond by saying "eh-it's not that bad...i kind of enjoy it." Ok so basically it's just me. I mean, I made it through 1 semester and part of this one just fine. I haven't always hated it like this. What is my freaking problem?? B brought up the fact that it could be the Abilify making me feels this way...why didn't I think of that sooner?? Maybe it could be that I am so caught up in feeling this way and sleeping and wondering what to do with myself and plotting my own death that I haven't thought about that...until last night. Maybe it IS the Abilify that is making me feel this way. I mean, I do feel less depressed (I think??) but then I hate this feeling so much that it makes me want to die, so then again maybe I am still depressed. Who knows. Grrr...Today, while sitting in class, I literallly thought about leaving and getting....................................... Well this is interesting. I had this long story and suddenly I hit a button and it was gone. Does this mean something? Does this mean I shouldn't have typed it in the first place? ok fine. I'll go with that. But I am frustrated, damnit.
Well next subject. Potential good news: there is a chance that I could get an assistantship next school year, which means school is PAID FOR and I might get paid on top of that!!! This is SUPER news. I am currently not allowing myself to get too excited because A. It might not happen, and B. I'm worried about getting myself through the rest of the semester, let alone through the rest of my school time. So it's slightly difficult for me to get excited, but this is definitely something to be excited about. Getting this assistantship would mean my mom doesn't have to pay for my school (approximately $30k/year) and I would not have loans to pay back. This is huuuuuuuuuuge. It would not only be like a gift to myself, but to my parents, too. Sooo...pray for me because on Thursday I have an interview with a lady who will be working in collaboration with "Joe" to make the decision as to whether or not I will be offered the position. Also, pray that if they do offer it to me, that I will be able to accept and complete the job as required, and kick this $h!t depression and anxiety so I can be successful at doing the job and maintaining my student status. Ok so prayers would be good ok?
Umm...well I tried emailing Dr. K, but apparently I either don't have the correct address or she has not checked it, or she has and she has not responded by email nor by phone. Grrr. I am also debating on calling Dr. E (hot doc) to ssee if I should see him before next Thursday regarding this whole Abilify thing. BTW, if he changes it, let me know if you know anyone who needs some b/c I currently have 3 bottles in my possession...damnit!!!
Ok I think that's all for now, though this has been quite therapeutic...
Well next subject. Potential good news: there is a chance that I could get an assistantship next school year, which means school is PAID FOR and I might get paid on top of that!!! This is SUPER news. I am currently not allowing myself to get too excited because A. It might not happen, and B. I'm worried about getting myself through the rest of the semester, let alone through the rest of my school time. So it's slightly difficult for me to get excited, but this is definitely something to be excited about. Getting this assistantship would mean my mom doesn't have to pay for my school (approximately $30k/year) and I would not have loans to pay back. This is huuuuuuuuuuge. It would not only be like a gift to myself, but to my parents, too. Sooo...pray for me because on Thursday I have an interview with a lady who will be working in collaboration with "Joe" to make the decision as to whether or not I will be offered the position. Also, pray that if they do offer it to me, that I will be able to accept and complete the job as required, and kick this $h!t depression and anxiety so I can be successful at doing the job and maintaining my student status. Ok so prayers would be good ok?
Umm...well I tried emailing Dr. K, but apparently I either don't have the correct address or she has not checked it, or she has and she has not responded by email nor by phone. Grrr. I am also debating on calling Dr. E (hot doc) to ssee if I should see him before next Thursday regarding this whole Abilify thing. BTW, if he changes it, let me know if you know anyone who needs some b/c I currently have 3 bottles in my possession...damnit!!!
Ok I think that's all for now, though this has been quite therapeutic...
Case Approach again.
In case anyone cares, here is yet another case approach to my life, this time from a different "therapeutic lens". Enjoy.
Case Approach to Postmodern Therapy
Theory Assumptions
In the Postmodern approach to therapy, there is an assumption that a client’s reality is socially constructed, and that reality should not be disputed against for accuracy or rationality; it is what it is. There are four slightly different approaches to Postmodern therapy, which include Collaborative Language Systems, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, Solution-Oriented Therapy, and Narrative Therapy. For this case approach, I will focus on the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy approach. In this approach, the focus is clearly on solutions to a particular problem or problems, and not the problem itself. The focus is also on the present and the future, not the past. Therefore, there is little attention given to clinical diagnosis, history, or exploring the cause of the problem or problems. In focusing on a solution or solutions to a problem, the therapist directs the client to focus on what is working and exceptions to problem patterns. The therapist works in a collaborative relationship with the client, but acknowledges that the client is the expert of her life story - it’s satisfactory moments, problems and solutions. The client is encouraged to do things differently if a problem exists. The goal is to find a satisfactory solution to the client’s problem or problems in as quickly a time frame as possible, therefore this type of therapy is considered “brief.”
Assessment Methods
In the assessment process of Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, the therapist works to promote a sense of optimism and hope in the client. The therapist first finds out what the client wants. In this case, the client desires to feel content in her current life situations, both in relationships and in her student role. Though the therapist recognizes that the client is presenting with depression and anxiety, she does not focus on the pathology of the diagnosis. Instead, she will encourage the client to change her actions, since what she is currently doing is obviously not working for her. The therapist, for example, may suggest that the client get a steady job in order to feel more satisfied and content with her position as a student again, since she once felt more important when she had a steady job. Other suggestions may include spending more time with others, since the client currently feels sad and isolated when she is alone. Once the client can make these changes and feel some sense of satisfaction or conflict-resolution, then the therapy can end.
Goals
Goals are to be addressed at the beginning of therapy, so that the focus is on solutions and the end is in sight. They are to be specifically chosen by the client, though the therapist may help in formulating them. The goals may be small, but realistic, so that the client can more easily make changes in order to solve the current problem in her life. They are action-oriented, and attainable, concrete, and specific. One goal that the client may make is changing her views in a particular situation. For example, while the client may not feel “successful” now because she is not working for a steady income and she is a full-time student, she could change her perspective of the situation so that she feels content in her role as a student, and satisfied where she is in life. While this may be applied immediately, a long-term goal may be learning how to change her views to more optimistic ones and applying them to other situations in her life. Another goal involves changing the “doing” in the problematic situation. In this way, the client may have a goal of actually changing what she is doing in order to alleviate negative emotions and to feel more content. For example, the client may see that if she spends more of her time working to earn an income, or doing more for others, she may learn that she feels better about herself and more content with the fact that she is a working student. In doing for others, she may find that she feels a greater sense of worth and meaning, as well. While the client may make small changes in the near future, it may take a little more time to make some changes, and therefore these greater changes may be considered long-term goals.
Intervention Techniques
Though the relationship between the client is collaborative and solution-focused, there are three types of relationships that can describe the position of the client: customer, complainant, and visitor. Currently, the client takes the position of the complainant, whereby she recognizes a few problems in her current life situation, but she feels unable to make changes in order to solve the problems. The ultimate position of the client would be a customer, whereby the client not only recognizes her problems, but she is also able to take an active role in solving the problems. With a little encouragement, this client could easily transition to the customer position.
There are several techniques that could be used to help the client focus on solutions to her current problems. One of these techniques involves asking the client about the actions she has taken thus far to solve the problems. In recognizing these actions, the therapist points out that the client is doing something positive to change things, and that there is hope. For the current client, recognizing that she has sought help, both medically and psychologically, could give the client a sense of hope in finding resolution, since she has already taken the first steps.
Another technique involves asking the client exception questions. These are questions that ask the client what things were like when the problem either did not exist at all or was not as intense as it currently is. For example, the therapist may ask the client what her life was like when her depression was not as intense as it is now.
Another technique that Solution-Focused Brief therapists may use is asking “The Miracle Question.” This is asking the client what her life would be like should she wake up one day and the problems that she is currently experiencing did not exist at all. In asking this question, the therapist asks the client how she would know the problems were solved, and what would be different. This process opens up opportunities for the client to imagine what it would take to alleviate her problems, and then actively make changes in order to solve the problems.
Other techniques that can be used include asking scaling questions, giving the client a Formula First Session task, and providing feedback at the end of sessions. The therapist may ask scaling questions in order to determine progress that the client has made, which may be mood-related and/or action related. Also, in giving a “homework assignment” or task between the first and second session, the client gains both a sense of awareness of his or her problems in relation to their solution, and a sense of optimism that things can and will change. By giving feedback, the therapist helps the client to understand the orientation of the solutions to her problems, as well as the progress she has made. This feedback can be given in the final 5 to 10 minutes of each session. Finally, after the client is able to construct a satisfactory solution to her problems, then the therapy can end. This type of therapy is meant to help the client to solve problems as quickly as possible, but should allow for the client to return to the therapist should she have difficulty with problems in the future. Termination of therapy should be a healthy, positive experience for both the client and the therapist.
Case Approach to Postmodern Therapy
Theory Assumptions
In the Postmodern approach to therapy, there is an assumption that a client’s reality is socially constructed, and that reality should not be disputed against for accuracy or rationality; it is what it is. There are four slightly different approaches to Postmodern therapy, which include Collaborative Language Systems, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, Solution-Oriented Therapy, and Narrative Therapy. For this case approach, I will focus on the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy approach. In this approach, the focus is clearly on solutions to a particular problem or problems, and not the problem itself. The focus is also on the present and the future, not the past. Therefore, there is little attention given to clinical diagnosis, history, or exploring the cause of the problem or problems. In focusing on a solution or solutions to a problem, the therapist directs the client to focus on what is working and exceptions to problem patterns. The therapist works in a collaborative relationship with the client, but acknowledges that the client is the expert of her life story - it’s satisfactory moments, problems and solutions. The client is encouraged to do things differently if a problem exists. The goal is to find a satisfactory solution to the client’s problem or problems in as quickly a time frame as possible, therefore this type of therapy is considered “brief.”
Assessment Methods
In the assessment process of Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, the therapist works to promote a sense of optimism and hope in the client. The therapist first finds out what the client wants. In this case, the client desires to feel content in her current life situations, both in relationships and in her student role. Though the therapist recognizes that the client is presenting with depression and anxiety, she does not focus on the pathology of the diagnosis. Instead, she will encourage the client to change her actions, since what she is currently doing is obviously not working for her. The therapist, for example, may suggest that the client get a steady job in order to feel more satisfied and content with her position as a student again, since she once felt more important when she had a steady job. Other suggestions may include spending more time with others, since the client currently feels sad and isolated when she is alone. Once the client can make these changes and feel some sense of satisfaction or conflict-resolution, then the therapy can end.
Goals
Goals are to be addressed at the beginning of therapy, so that the focus is on solutions and the end is in sight. They are to be specifically chosen by the client, though the therapist may help in formulating them. The goals may be small, but realistic, so that the client can more easily make changes in order to solve the current problem in her life. They are action-oriented, and attainable, concrete, and specific. One goal that the client may make is changing her views in a particular situation. For example, while the client may not feel “successful” now because she is not working for a steady income and she is a full-time student, she could change her perspective of the situation so that she feels content in her role as a student, and satisfied where she is in life. While this may be applied immediately, a long-term goal may be learning how to change her views to more optimistic ones and applying them to other situations in her life. Another goal involves changing the “doing” in the problematic situation. In this way, the client may have a goal of actually changing what she is doing in order to alleviate negative emotions and to feel more content. For example, the client may see that if she spends more of her time working to earn an income, or doing more for others, she may learn that she feels better about herself and more content with the fact that she is a working student. In doing for others, she may find that she feels a greater sense of worth and meaning, as well. While the client may make small changes in the near future, it may take a little more time to make some changes, and therefore these greater changes may be considered long-term goals.
Intervention Techniques
Though the relationship between the client is collaborative and solution-focused, there are three types of relationships that can describe the position of the client: customer, complainant, and visitor. Currently, the client takes the position of the complainant, whereby she recognizes a few problems in her current life situation, but she feels unable to make changes in order to solve the problems. The ultimate position of the client would be a customer, whereby the client not only recognizes her problems, but she is also able to take an active role in solving the problems. With a little encouragement, this client could easily transition to the customer position.
There are several techniques that could be used to help the client focus on solutions to her current problems. One of these techniques involves asking the client about the actions she has taken thus far to solve the problems. In recognizing these actions, the therapist points out that the client is doing something positive to change things, and that there is hope. For the current client, recognizing that she has sought help, both medically and psychologically, could give the client a sense of hope in finding resolution, since she has already taken the first steps.
Another technique involves asking the client exception questions. These are questions that ask the client what things were like when the problem either did not exist at all or was not as intense as it currently is. For example, the therapist may ask the client what her life was like when her depression was not as intense as it is now.
Another technique that Solution-Focused Brief therapists may use is asking “The Miracle Question.” This is asking the client what her life would be like should she wake up one day and the problems that she is currently experiencing did not exist at all. In asking this question, the therapist asks the client how she would know the problems were solved, and what would be different. This process opens up opportunities for the client to imagine what it would take to alleviate her problems, and then actively make changes in order to solve the problems.
Other techniques that can be used include asking scaling questions, giving the client a Formula First Session task, and providing feedback at the end of sessions. The therapist may ask scaling questions in order to determine progress that the client has made, which may be mood-related and/or action related. Also, in giving a “homework assignment” or task between the first and second session, the client gains both a sense of awareness of his or her problems in relation to their solution, and a sense of optimism that things can and will change. By giving feedback, the therapist helps the client to understand the orientation of the solutions to her problems, as well as the progress she has made. This feedback can be given in the final 5 to 10 minutes of each session. Finally, after the client is able to construct a satisfactory solution to her problems, then the therapy can end. This type of therapy is meant to help the client to solve problems as quickly as possible, but should allow for the client to return to the therapist should she have difficulty with problems in the future. Termination of therapy should be a healthy, positive experience for both the client and the therapist.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Homework #2 - Who am I?
25 basic things to describe who I am:
1. Christian
2. Former Athlete
3. Love music
4. Love photography
5. Left-handed
6. Somewhat ambidextrous
7. Perfectionist
8. Grad student
9. School psych major
10. Born in NOLA
11. From Atlanta
12. Go to AU
13. Worked for Nike
14. Have 1 brother
15. Drive 2dr Accord named "Liberty"
16. Text more than talk on phone
17. Patriotic/Military supporter
18. Enjoy James Frey books
19. Nail-biter
20. Love "Meet the Parents"
21. Work in church nursery
22. Love pics of Niagara Falls
23. Love sunsets
24. Had a fish named "Woody"
25. Compulsive listmaker!
Naked List: Feelings that describe me:
1. Anxious
2. Apprehensive
3. Skeptical
4. Pessimistic
5. Discouraged
6. Sad
7. Frustrated
8. Excited
9. Misunderstood
10. Tense
11. Loved
12. Unaccepted
13. Confused
14. Depressed
15. Annoyed
16. Out of shape
17. Needy
18. Jealous
19. Regretful
20. Worried
21. Lazy
22. Cuddly
23. Meaningless
24. Needy
25. Complicated
Here is a pretty detailed/accurate description of me:
I enjoy traveling, like to watch and play sports; love music; like to read non-textbooks (and yep, I even enjoy some of those 'self-help' books that people make fun of); love massages; wish i could play the guitar; have bitten my fingernails as long as i can remember; bite my lips and my cheeks, too; love taking pictures and being inspired by others' photography; love small children; like to cuddle; my feet are always freakin' freezin'; text message too much; don't like talking on the phone; have lots of shoes, mostly nike; have way more dishes than i could possibly need; sometimes take scenic routes just to be different; love the smell of burning wood, fresh-cut grass, and cranberry-orange candles; learning how to restore old friendships, maintain newer ones, and still have plenty of alone time; i am caring, loyal, analytical, indecisive, self-conscious, funny/...oh and perfectionistic. I am currently living by lists, and I secretly wish I could be a rock star.
1. Christian
2. Former Athlete
3. Love music
4. Love photography
5. Left-handed
6. Somewhat ambidextrous
7. Perfectionist
8. Grad student
9. School psych major
10. Born in NOLA
11. From Atlanta
12. Go to AU
13. Worked for Nike
14. Have 1 brother
15. Drive 2dr Accord named "Liberty"
16. Text more than talk on phone
17. Patriotic/Military supporter
18. Enjoy James Frey books
19. Nail-biter
20. Love "Meet the Parents"
21. Work in church nursery
22. Love pics of Niagara Falls
23. Love sunsets
24. Had a fish named "Woody"
25. Compulsive listmaker!
Naked List: Feelings that describe me:
1. Anxious
2. Apprehensive
3. Skeptical
4. Pessimistic
5. Discouraged
6. Sad
7. Frustrated
8. Excited
9. Misunderstood
10. Tense
11. Loved
12. Unaccepted
13. Confused
14. Depressed
15. Annoyed
16. Out of shape
17. Needy
18. Jealous
19. Regretful
20. Worried
21. Lazy
22. Cuddly
23. Meaningless
24. Needy
25. Complicated
Here is a pretty detailed/accurate description of me:
I enjoy traveling, like to watch and play sports; love music; like to read non-textbooks (and yep, I even enjoy some of those 'self-help' books that people make fun of); love massages; wish i could play the guitar; have bitten my fingernails as long as i can remember; bite my lips and my cheeks, too; love taking pictures and being inspired by others' photography; love small children; like to cuddle; my feet are always freakin' freezin'; text message too much; don't like talking on the phone; have lots of shoes, mostly nike; have way more dishes than i could possibly need; sometimes take scenic routes just to be different; love the smell of burning wood, fresh-cut grass, and cranberry-orange candles; learning how to restore old friendships, maintain newer ones, and still have plenty of alone time; i am caring, loyal, analytical, indecisive, self-conscious, funny/...oh and perfectionistic. I am currently living by lists, and I secretly wish I could be a rock star.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
college life
College life...I can't believe I am here sometimes. I always wanted that "real college experience"...as an undergrad, I never went to a football game or a party or any sort of Greek life function. I always wanted to at least experience it. Well, here at AU, I cannot believe how real that experience is...drunk at the football games, drunk at the bars, drunk driving, drunk at frat parties. I mean seriously, it is just the thing to do, and people not only do it, but survive it. Yesterday everyone in town saddled up, put on their daisy dukes and cowboy boots, loaded up their alcohol and their collapsable chairs, and went to a RODEO. lol. actually, this is an appropriate time to use the term "LMAO"--LAUGHING MY ASS OFF! Anywho, I couldn't believe how many people went to this thing, and drank literally from sun-up to sundown - including my roommates - and loved every minute of it! I just think that is sooo dumb. And then, this morning, they were all reminescing about the things they could remember, who they were talking to (guys), who they made out with, who's a whore, and of course, going through the pictures that were taken on their cameras. And, inevitably, sometime this afternoon, a photo album with some witty title will appear on Facebook, complete and tagged with everyone...but me. Yeah, it's so stupid, but yeah, I also feel left out despite how completely retarded the whole thing is.
Anyway, I recently heard this song on the radio called "I love college"...and it speaks the honest truth to what these people do!! Read the lyrics, and if you don't believe them, come to this college campus and see it for yourself!!!
(intro)
i’m nice right now
i, i feel good
if you have a drink
would you please put it in the air
(chorus)
that party last night was awfully crazy
i wish we taped it
i danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked
drink my beer and smoke my weed
with my good friends is all i need
pass out at 3 wake up at 10
go out to eat then do it again
(verse one)
i wanna go to college for the rest of my life
sip bankers club and drink miller lite
on thirsty Thursday and Tuesday night ice
and i can get pizza a dollar a slice
so fill up my cup
lets get fucked up
im next on the table
who want what
i am champion at beer pong
allen iverson hakeem olajuwon
dont even bounce, not in my house
better hope you make it
otherwise you naked
time isnt wasted when you’re getting wasted
woke up today and all i could say is
(chorus)
(bridge part)
man i love college
and i love drinkin
i love women
i love college
(verse two)
i cant tell you what i learned from school
but i could tell you a story or two
um yea of course i learned some rules
like don’t pass out with your shoes on
and don’t leave the house till the booze gone
and don’t have sex if shes too gone
when it comes to condoms put two on
then tomorrow night find a new JAWN
hold the beer bong
nothing wrong with some fun
even if we did get a little just too drunk
time isnt wasted when you’re getting wasted
woke up today and all i could say is
(chorus)
(bridge part)
now if everybody would please
put their drink as high as they can
as high as they can
and repeat after me
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN
DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY
KEGSTAND KEGSTAND KEGSTAND KEGSTAND
yea
that party last night
man i love college
i love it
that party last night
alright everybody i gotta head back to class for a little bit
(chorus in background)
but after that
you know whats goin down
my house and 3 kegs
see you there
you’re all invited
bring your friends
bring your mom
do i really have to graduate
or can i just stay here for the rest of my life
Anyway, I recently heard this song on the radio called "I love college"...and it speaks the honest truth to what these people do!! Read the lyrics, and if you don't believe them, come to this college campus and see it for yourself!!!
(intro)
i’m nice right now
i, i feel good
if you have a drink
would you please put it in the air
(chorus)
that party last night was awfully crazy
i wish we taped it
i danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked
drink my beer and smoke my weed
with my good friends is all i need
pass out at 3 wake up at 10
go out to eat then do it again
(verse one)
i wanna go to college for the rest of my life
sip bankers club and drink miller lite
on thirsty Thursday and Tuesday night ice
and i can get pizza a dollar a slice
so fill up my cup
lets get fucked up
im next on the table
who want what
i am champion at beer pong
allen iverson hakeem olajuwon
dont even bounce, not in my house
better hope you make it
otherwise you naked
time isnt wasted when you’re getting wasted
woke up today and all i could say is
(chorus)
(bridge part)
man i love college
and i love drinkin
i love women
i love college
(verse two)
i cant tell you what i learned from school
but i could tell you a story or two
um yea of course i learned some rules
like don’t pass out with your shoes on
and don’t leave the house till the booze gone
and don’t have sex if shes too gone
when it comes to condoms put two on
then tomorrow night find a new JAWN
hold the beer bong
nothing wrong with some fun
even if we did get a little just too drunk
time isnt wasted when you’re getting wasted
woke up today and all i could say is
(chorus)
(bridge part)
now if everybody would please
put their drink as high as they can
as high as they can
and repeat after me
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN
DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY
KEGSTAND KEGSTAND KEGSTAND KEGSTAND
yea
that party last night
man i love college
i love it
that party last night
alright everybody i gotta head back to class for a little bit
(chorus in background)
but after that
you know whats goin down
my house and 3 kegs
see you there
you’re all invited
bring your friends
bring your mom
do i really have to graduate
or can i just stay here for the rest of my life
Friday, April 3, 2009
'Homeworks'
SO I have a new therapist, and she is giving me homework. I will probably write it on here, and then print it out for my "appointments". Without further ado...
"Identify things you want for yourself (only) that I can help you acieve within about a 2-3 month period."
What do I want?
I want to be confident in knowing that I have a reason to live and stay here on this earth. I want to know that I mean something to others, even without them telling me so. I want to know that I can and will be successful in life- with friends, in a relationship, in a relationships with my family, in a career, and in my spiritual life. I would like to approve of myself enough that I don't need others to approve of me- my life, my decisions, who I am, etc... I want to be trusting, but not vulnerable. I want to get ride of depressing thoughts BEFORE they almost kill me. I want to feel healthy- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'd like to enjoy the time between now and when I reach my goals instead of just wishing it would hurry up and pass by.
"Identify things you want for yourself (only) that I can help you acieve within about a 2-3 month period."
What do I want?
I want to be confident in knowing that I have a reason to live and stay here on this earth. I want to know that I mean something to others, even without them telling me so. I want to know that I can and will be successful in life- with friends, in a relationship, in a relationships with my family, in a career, and in my spiritual life. I would like to approve of myself enough that I don't need others to approve of me- my life, my decisions, who I am, etc... I want to be trusting, but not vulnerable. I want to get ride of depressing thoughts BEFORE they almost kill me. I want to feel healthy- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'd like to enjoy the time between now and when I reach my goals instead of just wishing it would hurry up and pass by.
Monday, March 30, 2009
'The Walking Wounded'
"The Walking Wounded"
By Bayside
I'm weak like a one-armed boxer
Throwing punch after punch
After punch I, I give in
I'm so dumb, I'm surprised
When they die
scared, paired walking soldiers.
We're all wounded anyway
In our respective ways
Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?
You stretch the truth like a crooked salesman
Telling lie after lie
After lie, but where's the line?
You burn bridges, you're breaking down
Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?
Let's take this train for one last stop, I know
It's not the end, but it can't be that far
Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, then our time is up
Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
Who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?
[ The Walking Wounded Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]
By Bayside
I'm weak like a one-armed boxer
Throwing punch after punch
After punch I, I give in
I'm so dumb, I'm surprised
When they die
scared, paired walking soldiers.
We're all wounded anyway
In our respective ways
Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?
You stretch the truth like a crooked salesman
Telling lie after lie
After lie, but where's the line?
You burn bridges, you're breaking down
Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?
Let's take this train for one last stop, I know
It's not the end, but it can't be that far
Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, then our time is up
Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
Who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?
[ The Walking Wounded Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]
Saturday, March 28, 2009
'Hot Doc' Visit
So I saw "Hot Doc" aka Dr. E on Thursday, and I really like him. I pretty much fell apart, telling him that I don't feel good about anything in my life right now, I don't want to do anything, and school doesn't make me excited. It's kind of weird for me to cry in front of a guy doc...guess I'm just used to crying in front of females. Anyways. He is soo nice. He told me, "I know I can't say 'I know exactly how you feel' because I'm not depressed, but I can see that you're hurting and I hurt for you." He said he just really wants to help me, no matter what it takes. He said in 10 years of helping people in this field, only 6-10 have not gotten better. I thought he was going to say that 6-10 killed themselves. Maybe they did, but that's not what he said. He doesn't push the drugs on me, but he believes in them. He also wants to help me find another person, so he gave me a list, and said something about each one, instead of just telling me to pick a name that looks good.
Another thing he said was that the fact that I can't see J anymore has less to do with me and more to do with the rules. I know she told me that, but it means more coming from someone else I guess, maybe just the reassurance of the same story. Apparently they talked, and she found out that she has to stick to the 10-session rule b/c they want the "student counselors" to have their hand at helping "a variety of people." What a great sample of therapy. I mean don't they realize that that's not exactly therapeutic for some people?? I guess not. Oh well.
Another thing he said to me was just a reiteration of the fact that all these thoughts in my head about me being a burden on people is just the depression talking. I keep thinking that people must be getting tired of me moping around, being depressed. But he said that's the depression talking, and it's probably not the case. Sometimes I can tell myself that, but I don't believe it. I guess it was nice that he said that. Either way, though, I believe it's the truth, the fact that people who know me are probably getting tired of me and thinking "get over yourself."
Well, wish me luck with someone new...I'm gonna start with the one Dr. E. said he'd go to himself, or send his own sister to. That sounds like a pretty damn good recommendation, so I'm gonna try her. We'll see. Hopefully I will not get attached as I have to J. And hopefully she will be caring.
~me
Another thing he said was that the fact that I can't see J anymore has less to do with me and more to do with the rules. I know she told me that, but it means more coming from someone else I guess, maybe just the reassurance of the same story. Apparently they talked, and she found out that she has to stick to the 10-session rule b/c they want the "student counselors" to have their hand at helping "a variety of people." What a great sample of therapy. I mean don't they realize that that's not exactly therapeutic for some people?? I guess not. Oh well.
Another thing he said to me was just a reiteration of the fact that all these thoughts in my head about me being a burden on people is just the depression talking. I keep thinking that people must be getting tired of me moping around, being depressed. But he said that's the depression talking, and it's probably not the case. Sometimes I can tell myself that, but I don't believe it. I guess it was nice that he said that. Either way, though, I believe it's the truth, the fact that people who know me are probably getting tired of me and thinking "get over yourself."
Well, wish me luck with someone new...I'm gonna start with the one Dr. E. said he'd go to himself, or send his own sister to. That sounds like a pretty damn good recommendation, so I'm gonna try her. We'll see. Hopefully I will not get attached as I have to J. And hopefully she will be caring.
~me
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Paralyzed.
I feel paralyzed. I can't explain what's going on in my mind, but I'm trying.
I feel so fat.
I feel like I am excited about nothing. I was on a high but now I don't know what I am.
I can't breathe when I start thinking. Then again sometimes I can't breathe even when I am just sitting.
I want to go to sleep for a long long time. At least 'til I can feel happy and excited...and motivated. I do not want to do anything. But then doing nothing makes me go crazy, too. I dont' want to move, but this scares me and I cannot breathe. I don't want to move, but then I am doing nothing and it makes me crazy. Either way, I feel nuts. People havhe to be sick of me- moping and sending text messages, and emails, and blogs. They are probably thinking 'I wish she would just get over herself and stop acting this way.'
I am not motivated for school at all. I've even thought about quitting. But then again, I don't want to work, either. What kind of life am I living, besides selfish, uninspiring, and lifeless??
FML!!!
I feel done with therapy- Now that Jenna knows me, I don't know what to talk about. Besides the fact that I feel dead and want to just go to sleep.
I don't even care right now if I fail my test tomorrow. What does it matter? Kluck doesn't give 2 shits about me anyways, and though I may be a perfectionist, I don't give 2 shits about her class, either.
Time crawls by...Hurry up, PLEASE!!
I feel so fat.
I feel like I am excited about nothing. I was on a high but now I don't know what I am.
I can't breathe when I start thinking. Then again sometimes I can't breathe even when I am just sitting.
I want to go to sleep for a long long time. At least 'til I can feel happy and excited...and motivated. I do not want to do anything. But then doing nothing makes me go crazy, too. I dont' want to move, but this scares me and I cannot breathe. I don't want to move, but then I am doing nothing and it makes me crazy. Either way, I feel nuts. People havhe to be sick of me- moping and sending text messages, and emails, and blogs. They are probably thinking 'I wish she would just get over herself and stop acting this way.'
I am not motivated for school at all. I've even thought about quitting. But then again, I don't want to work, either. What kind of life am I living, besides selfish, uninspiring, and lifeless??
FML!!!
I feel done with therapy- Now that Jenna knows me, I don't know what to talk about. Besides the fact that I feel dead and want to just go to sleep.
I don't even care right now if I fail my test tomorrow. What does it matter? Kluck doesn't give 2 shits about me anyways, and though I may be a perfectionist, I don't give 2 shits about her class, either.
Time crawls by...Hurry up, PLEASE!!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
'Til I Collapse
So today I decided I am just burnt out on life in general. Nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. I used to look forward to class; now I dread it. I slept sooo good last night, and all I really want is to sleep that good again. ASAP. I haven't found motivation in much- graduating with my degree seems soo far away, and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to hang in there with everyone else. It seems like everyone else gets stressed, but they just deal with it. I get stressed, and lately I just want to quit. I have dealt with it so far, but just like anything else, what is the point of going on when you are just "dealing" with life??
Anyways, on my way to class, I was shuffling my ipod and came across this "anthem" and its attempt to knock me into shape- keep going 'til i collapse. Yeah, it's by Eminem, you gotta problem wit dat? lol...
Till I Collapse"
By Eminem
[Intro:]
'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.
[Military style:]
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
[Verse #1:]
Till I collapse I’m spilling these raps long as you feel em
Till the day that I drop you'll never say that I'm not killing them
Cause when I am not then I am stop pinning them
And I am not hip-hop and I’m just not Eminem.
Subliminal thoughts when I'm stop sending them women are caught in webs spin and hauk venom
Adrenaline shots of penicillin could not get the illing to stop.
Amoxacilin is just not real enough.
The criminal cop killing hip-hop filling minimal swap to cop millions of Pac listeners.
Your coming with me, feel it or not you’re gonna fear it like I showed you the spirit of god lives in us.
You hear it a lot, lyrics the shock is it a miracle or am I just a product of pop fizzing up.
For shizzle my whizzle this is the plot listen up you bizzles forgot slizzle does not give a fuck.
[Chorus - NateDogg]
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out - am I high? Perhaps
I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out and my high burn out
I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.
[Verse #2:]
Music is like magic there’s a certain feeling you get when your real
and you spit and people are feeling your shit.
This is your moment and every single minute you spend trying to hold onto it
cause you may never get it again.
So while you’re in it try to get as much shit as you can
and when your run is over just admit when its at its end.
Cause I'm at the end of my wits with half this shit that gets in.
I got a list here's the order of my list that it's in.
It goes, Reggie, Jay-Z, Tupac and Biggie, Andre from Outcast, Jada, Kurupt, Nas and then me.
But in this industry I'm the cause of a lot of envy, so when I’m not put on this list the shit does not offend me.
That's why you see me walk around like nothing's bothering me.
Even though half you people got a fucking problem with me.
You hate it but you know respect you’ve got to give me
The press's wet dream like Bobby and Whitney. Nate hit me.
[Chorus - NateDogg]
[Verse #3:]
Soon as a verse starts I eat it at MC’s heart
what is he thinking? How not to go against me? Smart.
And its absurd how people hang on every word.
I’ll probably never get the props I feel I ever deserve
But I’ll never be served my spot is forever reserved
If I ever leave earth that would be the death of me first.
Cause in my heart of hearts I know nothing could ever be worse.
That’s why I’m clever when I put together every verse
My thoughts are sporadic, I act like I’m an addict
I rap like I’m addicted to smack like I’m Kim Mathers.
But I don’t want to go forth and back in constant battles
The fact is I would rather sit back and bomb some rappers.
So this is like a full blown attack I’m launching at them
The track is on some battling raps who want some static
Cause I don’t really think that the fact that I’m Slim matters
A plaque of platinum status is whack if I'm not the baddest.
[Outro:]
Until the roof
The roof comes off
Until my legs
give out from underneath me
[Eminem:]
I will not fall,
I will stand tall,
Feels like no one could beat me.
Anyways, on my way to class, I was shuffling my ipod and came across this "anthem" and its attempt to knock me into shape- keep going 'til i collapse. Yeah, it's by Eminem, you gotta problem wit dat? lol...
Till I Collapse"
By Eminem
[Intro:]
'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.
[Military style:]
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
[Verse #1:]
Till I collapse I’m spilling these raps long as you feel em
Till the day that I drop you'll never say that I'm not killing them
Cause when I am not then I am stop pinning them
And I am not hip-hop and I’m just not Eminem.
Subliminal thoughts when I'm stop sending them women are caught in webs spin and hauk venom
Adrenaline shots of penicillin could not get the illing to stop.
Amoxacilin is just not real enough.
The criminal cop killing hip-hop filling minimal swap to cop millions of Pac listeners.
Your coming with me, feel it or not you’re gonna fear it like I showed you the spirit of god lives in us.
You hear it a lot, lyrics the shock is it a miracle or am I just a product of pop fizzing up.
For shizzle my whizzle this is the plot listen up you bizzles forgot slizzle does not give a fuck.
[Chorus - NateDogg]
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out - am I high? Perhaps
I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out and my high burn out
I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.
[Verse #2:]
Music is like magic there’s a certain feeling you get when your real
and you spit and people are feeling your shit.
This is your moment and every single minute you spend trying to hold onto it
cause you may never get it again.
So while you’re in it try to get as much shit as you can
and when your run is over just admit when its at its end.
Cause I'm at the end of my wits with half this shit that gets in.
I got a list here's the order of my list that it's in.
It goes, Reggie, Jay-Z, Tupac and Biggie, Andre from Outcast, Jada, Kurupt, Nas and then me.
But in this industry I'm the cause of a lot of envy, so when I’m not put on this list the shit does not offend me.
That's why you see me walk around like nothing's bothering me.
Even though half you people got a fucking problem with me.
You hate it but you know respect you’ve got to give me
The press's wet dream like Bobby and Whitney. Nate hit me.
[Chorus - NateDogg]
[Verse #3:]
Soon as a verse starts I eat it at MC’s heart
what is he thinking? How not to go against me? Smart.
And its absurd how people hang on every word.
I’ll probably never get the props I feel I ever deserve
But I’ll never be served my spot is forever reserved
If I ever leave earth that would be the death of me first.
Cause in my heart of hearts I know nothing could ever be worse.
That’s why I’m clever when I put together every verse
My thoughts are sporadic, I act like I’m an addict
I rap like I’m addicted to smack like I’m Kim Mathers.
But I don’t want to go forth and back in constant battles
The fact is I would rather sit back and bomb some rappers.
So this is like a full blown attack I’m launching at them
The track is on some battling raps who want some static
Cause I don’t really think that the fact that I’m Slim matters
A plaque of platinum status is whack if I'm not the baddest.
[Outro:]
Until the roof
The roof comes off
Until my legs
give out from underneath me
[Eminem:]
I will not fall,
I will stand tall,
Feels like no one could beat me.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Case Approach to CBT
Case Approach to Cognitive-Behavior Therapy
Assumptions of the Theory
The primary assumptions of cognitive-behavior therapy are that our emotions stem from beliefs, evaluations, interpretations, and reactions to life situations, and that these things contribute to psychological problems. From this perspective, cognitions, emotions, and behaviors interact and are reciprocal in a “cause and effect” relationship. In cognitive-behavior therapy, there is an emphasis on the “here and now” and not the past or the future. With the assumption that one cannot change things that have happened in his or her past, therapy focuses on identifying irrational beliefs and cognitions and learning how to change them into healthy ones. In doing so, one is responsible for his or her own feelings, regardless of what others say or do.
Assessment Techniques
Assessment techniques from the cognitive-behavior perspective are very similar to the behavior therapy perspective. For example, there is a collaborative relationship between the therapist and client, and there is a focus on changing cognitions in order to produce desired changes in behavior and emotion. Also similar to the behavior therapy approach, therapy is time-limited, focuses on specific target problems, and assesses the function of disturbances in the cognitive process.
The first step, however, is to identify irrational beliefs in the client. Using the A-B-C Framework, the therapist and client together can identify the events that cause such beliefs, the beliefs themselves, and also the consequences of these beliefs. In this case, the client may learn to recognize that particular social situations often lead to irrational beliefs. Sometimes the client feels isolated or like she “doesn’t fit it,” and this leads to her believing that she isn’t likeable or that she isn’t “normal” like everyone else supposedly is around her. These irrational beliefs then lead to emotional consequences, such as feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and loneliness.
Another event that leads to irrational beliefs and emotional consequences is spending time with her family. When the client is with her family, she reports having the belief that they are judging her as a person and feels vulnerable. These beliefs lead to a great deal of anxiety and discomfort in the presence of her family. By identifying the activating event/situation, irrational beliefs, and their consequences, the client can next learn to make changes in her cognitions and behaviors.
Goals
In the cognitive-behavior therapy model, therapy is seen as an educational process. As in the assessment process, the client’s first goal should be learning how to identify settings and situations in which she begins to feel uncomfortable. After identifying these situations, the client can identify her irrational beliefs. These beliefs, in addition to those listed above, may include “No one likes me,” “I don’t fit in,” and “No one would miss me if I were gone.” In addition, Ellis identified three irrational beliefs that the client strongly identifies with. These include “I must win the approval of others,” “Others must treat me well,” and “I must get what I want when I want it.” With the help of the therapist, the client will learn that these thoughts are in fact irrational and should be changed in order to become emotionally healthy. Other goals include learning how to separate her evaluation of herself from that of her behaviors. It is very important for the client to learn that her behaviors do not define her as a person OR qualify her as a “good” or “bad” person. It is imperative that the client not only accept herself in spite of her imperfections, but also that she learn to accept others in spite of their imperfections. Doing this may consist of recognizing that although her family may be critical and/or conservative, they still love her and they do have other qualities that make them “good” people. The client also should have a goal of minimizing as many self-defeating thoughts and behaviors as possible. Belittling herself and her worth is not helpful nor healthy. After learning how to alter her thought pattern, the goal is to ultimately alter her behavior, thus also reducing the strength and amount of consequences of those behaviors. For example, by recognizing that others do not judge her the way that she has been believing, she may begin to feel more comfortable in social situations, have a stronger self-esteem, and feel less anxious.
Intervention Methods
One intervention that would be very helpful in this client’s life is implementing the A-B-C Framework, mentioned above. The therapist may give the client a homework assignment that involves identifying specific situations in which the client develops irrational beliefs, what those beliefs are, and finally, what the emotional and behavioral consequences are. After doing so, the therapist may discuss these things with the client and help her to recognize other things that she could think about in similar situations (or disputing the irrational beliefs), or possibly help her to learn how to avoid the situations that lead to the irrational beliefs and consequences. In disputing irrational beliefs, the therapist might suggest replacing “musts” and “shoulds” with preferential language such as “would like.” For example, when the client believes that she must win the approval of others, the therapist may encourage her to believe that she would like to win the approval of others, but it is not absolutely necessary; the world will not end if others do not approve of her.
Other intervention methods the therapist could use include rational emotive therapy, role playing, and shame-attacking exercises. In rational emotive therapy, the client would imagine feeling the way she would like to feel, creating more positive thoughts about herself and her future. Also, she could imagine the worst possible scenario occurring, and the therapist would help her to deal with that, learning that the world would not come to an end in that case, either. For this client, she may imagine being confronted by her family about her actions, which may cause a lot of anxiety. The therapist would help her to realize that despite the confrontation, her family would still love her and she could still love them. This may help to reduce the amount of anxiety she experiences when she is around her family in the future. In role playing, the client may pretend to be in a social situation where the therapist is someone new, and the client may experience the anxiety and discomfort she feels in similar situations in “real life.” However, by role playing, the client can recognize the anxiety she feels and the irrational beliefs she has about being inadequate, allowing her to change those beliefs in a similar “real life” situation. Finally, in shame-attacking exercises, the client would work to feel unashamed even when others disapprove of or seem to be judging her behaviors. In doing so, the client could gain self-confidence and increase her self-acceptance in spite of those behaviors. This may include helping the client to recognize that even though her peers and/or family may not approve of everything she does, she does not have to feel ashamed or guilty.
Assumptions of the Theory
The primary assumptions of cognitive-behavior therapy are that our emotions stem from beliefs, evaluations, interpretations, and reactions to life situations, and that these things contribute to psychological problems. From this perspective, cognitions, emotions, and behaviors interact and are reciprocal in a “cause and effect” relationship. In cognitive-behavior therapy, there is an emphasis on the “here and now” and not the past or the future. With the assumption that one cannot change things that have happened in his or her past, therapy focuses on identifying irrational beliefs and cognitions and learning how to change them into healthy ones. In doing so, one is responsible for his or her own feelings, regardless of what others say or do.
Assessment Techniques
Assessment techniques from the cognitive-behavior perspective are very similar to the behavior therapy perspective. For example, there is a collaborative relationship between the therapist and client, and there is a focus on changing cognitions in order to produce desired changes in behavior and emotion. Also similar to the behavior therapy approach, therapy is time-limited, focuses on specific target problems, and assesses the function of disturbances in the cognitive process.
The first step, however, is to identify irrational beliefs in the client. Using the A-B-C Framework, the therapist and client together can identify the events that cause such beliefs, the beliefs themselves, and also the consequences of these beliefs. In this case, the client may learn to recognize that particular social situations often lead to irrational beliefs. Sometimes the client feels isolated or like she “doesn’t fit it,” and this leads to her believing that she isn’t likeable or that she isn’t “normal” like everyone else supposedly is around her. These irrational beliefs then lead to emotional consequences, such as feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and loneliness.
Another event that leads to irrational beliefs and emotional consequences is spending time with her family. When the client is with her family, she reports having the belief that they are judging her as a person and feels vulnerable. These beliefs lead to a great deal of anxiety and discomfort in the presence of her family. By identifying the activating event/situation, irrational beliefs, and their consequences, the client can next learn to make changes in her cognitions and behaviors.
Goals
In the cognitive-behavior therapy model, therapy is seen as an educational process. As in the assessment process, the client’s first goal should be learning how to identify settings and situations in which she begins to feel uncomfortable. After identifying these situations, the client can identify her irrational beliefs. These beliefs, in addition to those listed above, may include “No one likes me,” “I don’t fit in,” and “No one would miss me if I were gone.” In addition, Ellis identified three irrational beliefs that the client strongly identifies with. These include “I must win the approval of others,” “Others must treat me well,” and “I must get what I want when I want it.” With the help of the therapist, the client will learn that these thoughts are in fact irrational and should be changed in order to become emotionally healthy. Other goals include learning how to separate her evaluation of herself from that of her behaviors. It is very important for the client to learn that her behaviors do not define her as a person OR qualify her as a “good” or “bad” person. It is imperative that the client not only accept herself in spite of her imperfections, but also that she learn to accept others in spite of their imperfections. Doing this may consist of recognizing that although her family may be critical and/or conservative, they still love her and they do have other qualities that make them “good” people. The client also should have a goal of minimizing as many self-defeating thoughts and behaviors as possible. Belittling herself and her worth is not helpful nor healthy. After learning how to alter her thought pattern, the goal is to ultimately alter her behavior, thus also reducing the strength and amount of consequences of those behaviors. For example, by recognizing that others do not judge her the way that she has been believing, she may begin to feel more comfortable in social situations, have a stronger self-esteem, and feel less anxious.
Intervention Methods
One intervention that would be very helpful in this client’s life is implementing the A-B-C Framework, mentioned above. The therapist may give the client a homework assignment that involves identifying specific situations in which the client develops irrational beliefs, what those beliefs are, and finally, what the emotional and behavioral consequences are. After doing so, the therapist may discuss these things with the client and help her to recognize other things that she could think about in similar situations (or disputing the irrational beliefs), or possibly help her to learn how to avoid the situations that lead to the irrational beliefs and consequences. In disputing irrational beliefs, the therapist might suggest replacing “musts” and “shoulds” with preferential language such as “would like.” For example, when the client believes that she must win the approval of others, the therapist may encourage her to believe that she would like to win the approval of others, but it is not absolutely necessary; the world will not end if others do not approve of her.
Other intervention methods the therapist could use include rational emotive therapy, role playing, and shame-attacking exercises. In rational emotive therapy, the client would imagine feeling the way she would like to feel, creating more positive thoughts about herself and her future. Also, she could imagine the worst possible scenario occurring, and the therapist would help her to deal with that, learning that the world would not come to an end in that case, either. For this client, she may imagine being confronted by her family about her actions, which may cause a lot of anxiety. The therapist would help her to realize that despite the confrontation, her family would still love her and she could still love them. This may help to reduce the amount of anxiety she experiences when she is around her family in the future. In role playing, the client may pretend to be in a social situation where the therapist is someone new, and the client may experience the anxiety and discomfort she feels in similar situations in “real life.” However, by role playing, the client can recognize the anxiety she feels and the irrational beliefs she has about being inadequate, allowing her to change those beliefs in a similar “real life” situation. Finally, in shame-attacking exercises, the client would work to feel unashamed even when others disapprove of or seem to be judging her behaviors. In doing so, the client could gain self-confidence and increase her self-acceptance in spite of those behaviors. This may include helping the client to recognize that even though her peers and/or family may not approve of everything she does, she does not have to feel ashamed or guilty.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Top of the World...
I'm so elated right now, I'm on top of the world. I cannot stop thinking about you! I am praying for so many things-- that I will not be let down in this- that neither of us would get hurt- that this is not just lust or infatuation; that it is real! I cannot even sit still! Thoughts of our time together keep entering my mind- idea of going 4-wheeling with you and throwing the football or baseball are even more exciting that a romantic dinner with candlelight and wine! God, please don't let me be let down in this! Please let M be ok with this and not angry or jealous or upset with either of us- please let me be on the same page as YOU and you.
I cannot wait to see your face again. Your smile, your beautiful eyes...I am falling so fast that it actually worries me that I may be doing soemthing wrong! But you seem so right. So right. Please don't let me be let down- please do not let my excitement hurt me- it has been soo long since I felt this way, and yet I know how quickly I can get carried away with dreaming! Oh, how I am dreaming right now!!
I cannot wait to see your face again. Your smile, your beautiful eyes...I am falling so fast that it actually worries me that I may be doing soemthing wrong! But you seem so right. So right. Please don't let me be let down- please do not let my excitement hurt me- it has been soo long since I felt this way, and yet I know how quickly I can get carried away with dreaming! Oh, how I am dreaming right now!!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Nothing Like It.
I just wanted to say that there is nothing like someone whose opinion you value telling you that you are beautiful.
That's all I have to say about that...
That's all I have to say about that...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
"We All Need Saving"
"We All Need Saving"
by Jon McLaughlin
Come on, come on
You have got to move on
This is not the you i know
This isn't real
It's just all you can feel
And that's the way that feelings go
And whether or not it's right or wrong you'll do what you will do
[Chorus]
When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes
Say what you will but the time that we fill
While we're on the earth
Should not be alone
We were meant to be known
You make me what i'm worth
But i can't keep you from yourself you'll do what you will do
[Chorus]
I don't know why it has to be this way and
I don't know the cure
But please believe someone has felt this before
[Chorus]
Dear J.
Dear J,
I am addicted to approval. And the needed to be wanted and liked and loved, too, I suppose. I hate this addiction. I know there are things that are worse out there. I'm sure I have other addictions, too, but this hurts so much. I HATE that I feel this way right now. Sometimes I wonder which is worse--having known you and having you be there for me and me becoming dependent on you, or having never known you at all-and not feeling this way. I've done it before--you know, getting attached to someone knowing it's not healthy. But not to a therapist- in no way, shape, or form. I dont' understand it. How can God put someone in our lives just to end it with hurt? I've heard this a 1000 times--"Let Go and Let God". Trust me, I wish it was as easy as saying those words. Why is it so hard for me? Why won't I allow Him to be enough? What is wrong with me? I feel so unlike anyone else. So attached and yet so dissociated. I don't know what I want from you. I don't know what the healthy thing to do is. But why would not seeing you anymore feel this way? Why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I jealous of SK b/c she gets to keep talking to you?? I haven't wanted to tell you that I felt this coming because I was afraid you'd tell me to go sooner than you already have. I was afraid I'd freak you out and you'd pass me on to someone else. I was afraid you'd think I was being gay and attracted to you. I was afraid. I don't know what I'm scared of. Oh yeah--maybe you not liking me. One day you said "I like you" and I couldn't believe it. I don't know if I've ever heard anyone say that to me. I probably have, but when you said it, it was different. It probably meant nothing to you, but it meant a lot to me. It meant you accepted me with all my baggage. I know everyone has baggage, but you have the choice to like them or not. But then when you started telling me you wouldn't be willing to fight for me, it felt like you took it back- maybe you didn't like me like you thought you once did. Maybe I AM too much. Just like I am for everyone else-- everyone who really knows stuff about me. Why am I doing this? Why I am feeling this way? Why isn't God putting better thoughts into my head? Why does it always lead down the same path?? Why does He put people who will care about me in my life and then jerk them away? I dont' get it.
You might be mad at me if I put this on my blog. But know that if I do, no one will really read it and have a clue. Trust me- if you can.
I'm sorry if this seems completely blown out of proportion. I know that you and others will probably think that should anyone even bother to read this, and someday I probably will, too. I'm sorry. I realize even saying 'I'm sorry' can be annoying in and of itself, and I'll go ahead and apologize for that, too. That's all I can say right now.
I am addicted to approval. And the needed to be wanted and liked and loved, too, I suppose. I hate this addiction. I know there are things that are worse out there. I'm sure I have other addictions, too, but this hurts so much. I HATE that I feel this way right now. Sometimes I wonder which is worse--having known you and having you be there for me and me becoming dependent on you, or having never known you at all-and not feeling this way. I've done it before--you know, getting attached to someone knowing it's not healthy. But not to a therapist- in no way, shape, or form. I dont' understand it. How can God put someone in our lives just to end it with hurt? I've heard this a 1000 times--"Let Go and Let God". Trust me, I wish it was as easy as saying those words. Why is it so hard for me? Why won't I allow Him to be enough? What is wrong with me? I feel so unlike anyone else. So attached and yet so dissociated. I don't know what I want from you. I don't know what the healthy thing to do is. But why would not seeing you anymore feel this way? Why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I jealous of SK b/c she gets to keep talking to you?? I haven't wanted to tell you that I felt this coming because I was afraid you'd tell me to go sooner than you already have. I was afraid I'd freak you out and you'd pass me on to someone else. I was afraid you'd think I was being gay and attracted to you. I was afraid. I don't know what I'm scared of. Oh yeah--maybe you not liking me. One day you said "I like you" and I couldn't believe it. I don't know if I've ever heard anyone say that to me. I probably have, but when you said it, it was different. It probably meant nothing to you, but it meant a lot to me. It meant you accepted me with all my baggage. I know everyone has baggage, but you have the choice to like them or not. But then when you started telling me you wouldn't be willing to fight for me, it felt like you took it back- maybe you didn't like me like you thought you once did. Maybe I AM too much. Just like I am for everyone else-- everyone who really knows stuff about me. Why am I doing this? Why I am feeling this way? Why isn't God putting better thoughts into my head? Why does it always lead down the same path?? Why does He put people who will care about me in my life and then jerk them away? I dont' get it.
You might be mad at me if I put this on my blog. But know that if I do, no one will really read it and have a clue. Trust me- if you can.
I'm sorry if this seems completely blown out of proportion. I know that you and others will probably think that should anyone even bother to read this, and someday I probably will, too. I'm sorry. I realize even saying 'I'm sorry' can be annoying in and of itself, and I'll go ahead and apologize for that, too. That's all I can say right now.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Thoughts on CBT
This week I am doing a presentation on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and I found some interesting things thaht I wanted to comment on... One part of CBT is Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), which is based on the assumption that our emotions stem from our beliefs, evaluations, interpretations, and reactions to life situations. This is very much the case for me. There have been many times in my life where my emotions have been COMPLETELY driven by my reaction (usually OVER-reaction) to a particular situation- particularly in relationships. I also wanted to quote a part of my text that describes the relationship between the client and the REB Therapist, which is something I am ALWAYS thinking about...what is the appropriate level of self-disclosure, empathy, etc. in therapy.?
"...REBT practitioners unconditionally accept all clients and also teach them to unconditionally accept others and themselves. However, Ellis believes that too much warmth and understanding can be counterproductive by fostering a sense of dependence for approval from the therapist. * REBT practitioners accept their clients as imperfect beings who can be helped through a variety of techniques such as teaching, bibliotherapy, and behavior modification skills. Ellis builds rapport with his clients by showing them that he has great faith in their ability to change themselves and that he has the tools to help them do this.
REB therapists are often open and direct in disclosing their own beliefs and values. Some are willing to share their own imperfections as a way of disputing clients' unrealistic notions that therapists are 'completely put together' persons. On this point, Wolfe (2007) claims 'it is important to establish as much as possible an egalitarian relationship, as opposed to presenting yourself as a nondisclosing authority figure'. Ellis (2002) maintains that transference is not encouraged, and when it does occur, the therapist is likely to confront it. Ellis believes that a transference relationship is based on the irrational belief that the client must be liked and loved by the therapist, or parent figure."
One more thing-- here are 3 Irrational Beliefs "that we internalize that inevitably lead to self-defeat":
1. 'I MUST do well and win the approval of others for my performance or else I am no good.'
2. 'Other people MUST treat me considerately, fairly, kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished.'
3. 'I MUST get what I want, when I want it; and I MUST not get what I don't want. If I don't get what I want, it's terrible, and I can't stand it.'
Further comments may be added...
"...REBT practitioners unconditionally accept all clients and also teach them to unconditionally accept others and themselves. However, Ellis believes that too much warmth and understanding can be counterproductive by fostering a sense of dependence for approval from the therapist. * REBT practitioners accept their clients as imperfect beings who can be helped through a variety of techniques such as teaching, bibliotherapy, and behavior modification skills. Ellis builds rapport with his clients by showing them that he has great faith in their ability to change themselves and that he has the tools to help them do this.
REB therapists are often open and direct in disclosing their own beliefs and values. Some are willing to share their own imperfections as a way of disputing clients' unrealistic notions that therapists are 'completely put together' persons. On this point, Wolfe (2007) claims 'it is important to establish as much as possible an egalitarian relationship, as opposed to presenting yourself as a nondisclosing authority figure'. Ellis (2002) maintains that transference is not encouraged, and when it does occur, the therapist is likely to confront it. Ellis believes that a transference relationship is based on the irrational belief that the client must be liked and loved by the therapist, or parent figure."
One more thing-- here are 3 Irrational Beliefs "that we internalize that inevitably lead to self-defeat":
1. 'I MUST do well and win the approval of others for my performance or else I am no good.'
2. 'Other people MUST treat me considerately, fairly, kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished.'
3. 'I MUST get what I want, when I want it; and I MUST not get what I don't want. If I don't get what I want, it's terrible, and I can't stand it.'
Further comments may be added...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Between the Trees
So after thinking about TWLOHA, I started thinking about the bands I heard who endorse them, and Between the Trees is one of them. I remember Doug and I loved them the first time we saw them so much that we drove down to Columbus one night just to hear them play in some crappy room. It seems they're gettin big now and have their 2nd album coming out this summer. Anyway, I like their sound and their lyrics, and I'm adding a couple of pictures that I took of them in Columbus.
__________________________________________________________________________________
"Words"
This night, this night just like the rest
These same thoughts running through my head
The same reckless phrase with a different face
They say, they say that I am worthless
But I'm not listening
I swear, and yet
Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes built to be broke down
Around and around
I'm falling down, again
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill
This feels the same
Complications in different situations
I am holding out for love
Is it worth it
To die a little each day
All for unseen grace
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
(meant to be broke down)
Surely kill
Your words are breaking down now
I would say
Where I've been to where I am
It is worth it
His grace
When all else fades
You can see it
His face
So now...
Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes meant to be broke
These thoughts were meant to be broke down [x11]
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill
They surely kill
Your words are breaking down now
___________________________________________
"A Time For Yohe"
As she sits in the corner
Face to the floor
She dispels smoke from from her lips
And slowly floats away with it
Letting go of so much pain
Her tears are thick enough to stain
The pavement that slowly becomes
Her best friend when she needs to run away
This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
Old walls
Does it help to say I'm sorry
If so than I'm sorry that your so unhappy
This life those lies are starting get you down
Darling don't let them drag you around
Saying "it's my fault" doesn't help repeated
Time, love and Jesus seems to beat it
She'll find out this is harder than
Taking medicine
This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
We're still waiting for the fire
We're still waiting for the fire
Seeing smoke and waiting for the fire
We're still waiting for the fire
We're still waiting for the fire
Seeing smoke and waiting for the fire
We're still waiting for the fire
This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
Old walls
_________________________________________________
"The Way She Feels"
She's upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it there's nothing
There is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows she cries
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip, just forget the bleeding
Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows she cries [x2]
Curled up she's on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse
Now she's slowly opening...
New eyes...
Then she opened her eyes
And found relief through His life
And put down her knives
Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her life
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Obsession-
Sometimes I feel obsessed with a person. I really like this song, and the lyrics really parallel how it feels sometimes. Gotta love Staind lyrics--I love so many!
"All I Want"
By Staind
What I leave,
When you go,
What I see,
And what you show,
And what I guess,
And when I don't,
Is something you all ready, all ready know,
[Chorus:]
I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you,
The things I do,
I go through,
And all I see,
When Im awake,
And what I make,
The shit that I take,
Is something you all ready, all ready know
[Chorus:]
I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you,
Ohhh,...
Is you,
Is you,
Is you,
Is you,
You're all I dream about,
That I can't live without,
All I want is you
[Chorus:]
I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you,
I just can't live without you,
When all I think about is you,
And all I want is you
'See ya girl'
He says 'see ya girl'!! Just like B did. I guess I'm trying to be patient, but I'm not really being successful. Maybe he's worth it. Maybe I need to stop focusing so much energy on Franko and spend it thinking about others instead. I dunno. I just wanted to say that though. He says "See ya girl" and I love it. Maybe someday he'll put his arms around me and then say it...
Purpose For the Pain
Several years ago, my friend Doug and I discovered the beginnings of a movement called To Write Love On Her Arms, or TWLOHA. I loved the idea- the idea that LOVE can keep people alive, no matter what they are feeling. I identified with so many of the thoughts and feelings that Jamie talked about this one night in some little place on 14th street in Atlanta. I remember sitting on some old couch with Doug and thinking someone knew how I felt. And he felt the same. He loved it too.
It's been awhile since I've followed the group and it's blog. But when I was in Boston, I was so excited (and surprised) that professional psychologists were even aware of the group- I went to 2 workshops on self injury, and they both mentioned TWLOHA. It amazed me that they have come from single rooms with run-down couches to national conferences. That is so cool. I just love their philosophy and the rawness of the reality that they recognize- that hurting isn't just a psychopathology. That's it real and it sucks but people survive it.
After visiting the website, I found out that Renee (the basis upon which TWLOHA was originally created) published a book called Purpose For the Pain. I can't wait to read it and I hope others, both who have felt the pain AND who want to better understand the pain, will check it out.
Props to TWLOHA and Renee.
~me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU-XQ69qXSg&eurl=http://www.twloha.com/blog/general/&feature=player_embedded
www.twloha.com
www.purposeforthepain.com
Bleeding fingers and lips.
Bleeding fingers and lips.
That’s gonna be the name of my band someday--because I bite my fingernails and lips so much that they bleed. Ha. Tis the sign on of a grad student-this one, anyway.
Lots to write about, but I don’t know if I (a)have the time or (b) want to take the time.
Yesterday was a really weird day- To start out, I woke up energetic and motivated. I went to the grocery store and made lunch before my 1:00 class, which is actually a lot for me. I woke up at 8:20 thinking it was at least 10. Lately I’ve been waking up without or before my alarm goes off, which, for me, is an AMAZING feeling. Yeah seriously. As long as the sun has come up, I am ok with it right now. It means I don’t want to stay in bed all day or roll out of bed thinking only about the next time I can come back to it. Hopefully, this is the Abilify working on my side. Granted, I do have a lot on my mind, but it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between positive energy and negative energy.
Tangent--I went on one. Anyway, by the time I was in Dr. B’s class, I was on the edge of having a PA because I felt so overwhelmed with all of the work to do. In one moment, I felt like I was on easy street, able to conquer everything, and shortly after, I felt absolutely bombarded. The only thing I keep falling back on is lists. Lists lists lists. It’s the only way I feel like I am not going to forget something(s) and stop obsessing about it all in my head. But honestly, I don’t’ know if it’s helping. Then again, I would probably be a mess if I didn’t do it, too.
Anywho.
Boston was fun… I was really glad to get away from school, even if I did learn a few things! Lol. I actually intended (and wanted) to go to more workshops and presentations, but I also wanted to enjoy my time just exploring with the girls in Boston. Our group surprisingly didn’t really get on my nerves, although it WAS exhausting being with humans 24 hours a day! I didn’t sleep at all the first night because we had so many people in our room and I am not very good at sleeping with other people in my bed (I know, ironic, as I am the touchy-feely type).
I did, however, run into some….ehh…hard feelings one day when I was talking to a girl from school that is a year ahead of me, and I felt it. It is the weirdest feeling and I wish I could explain it to someone somehow. I can be talking to the person (or they talking to me), and suddenly I look into her eyes, and she sees my soul, I see hers. I get tingly in my body and I feel attracted to her. It is the weirdest and most frustrating feeling ever. It would be great if it were reciprocated. But I haven’t felt that in a while. Actually, I don’t’ know if it would be great in this case. I’d prefer it be someone I WANT to be attracted to. Anyway, so then I felt obsessed with her for at least 24 hours. What is my freaking problem?? I really don’t want to ruin a friendship. Friendships. And I feel that that is exactly what I’m doing when I make a friend and then blow it by becoming attracted, ESPECIALLY if I do anything that makes her know it. Take SK for example-- She has been such a great friend to me through one of the ugliest times of my life, and yet I feel like I completely pushed her away because I decided to get drunk one night and see if she would “try something”, even though I KNEW that she didn’t want to. And then I felt rejected. And then I apologized 1800 times. And then I felt like an ASS. And now I just hope I didn’t/haven’t messed things up. Damnit, I hate myself when I do that.
Today Dr. E told me about a prof in our dept. (Ed) that has done research on military. I was ELATED. In my mind, I think, finally, someone at this school who may share the passion for military that I have. Maybe I can work with him. Maybe I can even get an assistantship….ohhhhh the possibilities. And yet, reality (or maybe just my overt sense of pessimism) tells me no way. I want to try, anyway.
My babies. Oh how I love my babies. I am sitting here writing while they sleep in their cribs this very moment. I am thinking back to that night just a few weeks ago, when I was here and wanted to end it all. I wanted so badly to still be able to hold my babies but I didn’t think I was going to make it to that moment again. I haven’t told anyone this because I was afraid someone would think I’m crazy and never let me around them again. They were not in danger. Not ever. But at one moment, I could not stop crying, so I went and I woke Ch up and took her out of her crib and just held her and rocked her in a rocking chair in her room. I wept and I told her I wanted her and her brother to live a good life. I prayed that they would never feel the way I did that moment. I cried and I cried and she slept in my arms and she put her hand on mine. Oh how I love her. I am so glad I have gotten to hold them again. So very glad. It breaks my heart, though, thinking of that night, every time I hold them again now. I held Ch until I stopped crying momentarily and knew that their parents would be home soon. I placed her gently back in her crib, kissing her, and patting Co on his back, as if it were the last time I’d ever see them again. I don’t know if I planned on that, but I planned FOR that. Wrapping things up. That’s what I did in those days before I…checked myself in.
Why I am talking about this?
J--just a few more times. I am really still sad that I won’t be talking to her after a month. I wish so badly that she’d fight for me and know that it hurts me to tell me I have to leave. I hate it. After all that.
This strong-willed part of me thinks, maybe she will finish her dissertation soon. Maybe she will become certified soon. Maybe I can pay her to listen to me sooner than later. Then again, that sounds pretty pathetic. Then again, how in the world am I so cynical about something that I believe in my head makes sense, but in my heart and on my sleeve, well, I’m cynical. Sarcastic. Skeptical. “what’s your diagnonsense?” “Have you seen your therRAPIST yet?” Girl Interrupted. Don’t think I’m that sick if you’re reading this.
I am soo ready for a glass of wine…
That’s gonna be the name of my band someday--because I bite my fingernails and lips so much that they bleed. Ha. Tis the sign on of a grad student-this one, anyway.
Lots to write about, but I don’t know if I (a)have the time or (b) want to take the time.
Yesterday was a really weird day- To start out, I woke up energetic and motivated. I went to the grocery store and made lunch before my 1:00 class, which is actually a lot for me. I woke up at 8:20 thinking it was at least 10. Lately I’ve been waking up without or before my alarm goes off, which, for me, is an AMAZING feeling. Yeah seriously. As long as the sun has come up, I am ok with it right now. It means I don’t want to stay in bed all day or roll out of bed thinking only about the next time I can come back to it. Hopefully, this is the Abilify working on my side. Granted, I do have a lot on my mind, but it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between positive energy and negative energy.
Tangent--I went on one. Anyway, by the time I was in Dr. B’s class, I was on the edge of having a PA because I felt so overwhelmed with all of the work to do. In one moment, I felt like I was on easy street, able to conquer everything, and shortly after, I felt absolutely bombarded. The only thing I keep falling back on is lists. Lists lists lists. It’s the only way I feel like I am not going to forget something(s) and stop obsessing about it all in my head. But honestly, I don’t’ know if it’s helping. Then again, I would probably be a mess if I didn’t do it, too.
Anywho.
Boston was fun… I was really glad to get away from school, even if I did learn a few things! Lol. I actually intended (and wanted) to go to more workshops and presentations, but I also wanted to enjoy my time just exploring with the girls in Boston. Our group surprisingly didn’t really get on my nerves, although it WAS exhausting being with humans 24 hours a day! I didn’t sleep at all the first night because we had so many people in our room and I am not very good at sleeping with other people in my bed (I know, ironic, as I am the touchy-feely type).
I did, however, run into some….ehh…hard feelings one day when I was talking to a girl from school that is a year ahead of me, and I felt it. It is the weirdest feeling and I wish I could explain it to someone somehow. I can be talking to the person (or they talking to me), and suddenly I look into her eyes, and she sees my soul, I see hers. I get tingly in my body and I feel attracted to her. It is the weirdest and most frustrating feeling ever. It would be great if it were reciprocated. But I haven’t felt that in a while. Actually, I don’t’ know if it would be great in this case. I’d prefer it be someone I WANT to be attracted to. Anyway, so then I felt obsessed with her for at least 24 hours. What is my freaking problem?? I really don’t want to ruin a friendship. Friendships. And I feel that that is exactly what I’m doing when I make a friend and then blow it by becoming attracted, ESPECIALLY if I do anything that makes her know it. Take SK for example-- She has been such a great friend to me through one of the ugliest times of my life, and yet I feel like I completely pushed her away because I decided to get drunk one night and see if she would “try something”, even though I KNEW that she didn’t want to. And then I felt rejected. And then I apologized 1800 times. And then I felt like an ASS. And now I just hope I didn’t/haven’t messed things up. Damnit, I hate myself when I do that.
Today Dr. E told me about a prof in our dept. (Ed) that has done research on military. I was ELATED. In my mind, I think, finally, someone at this school who may share the passion for military that I have. Maybe I can work with him. Maybe I can even get an assistantship….ohhhhh the possibilities. And yet, reality (or maybe just my overt sense of pessimism) tells me no way. I want to try, anyway.
My babies. Oh how I love my babies. I am sitting here writing while they sleep in their cribs this very moment. I am thinking back to that night just a few weeks ago, when I was here and wanted to end it all. I wanted so badly to still be able to hold my babies but I didn’t think I was going to make it to that moment again. I haven’t told anyone this because I was afraid someone would think I’m crazy and never let me around them again. They were not in danger. Not ever. But at one moment, I could not stop crying, so I went and I woke Ch up and took her out of her crib and just held her and rocked her in a rocking chair in her room. I wept and I told her I wanted her and her brother to live a good life. I prayed that they would never feel the way I did that moment. I cried and I cried and she slept in my arms and she put her hand on mine. Oh how I love her. I am so glad I have gotten to hold them again. So very glad. It breaks my heart, though, thinking of that night, every time I hold them again now. I held Ch until I stopped crying momentarily and knew that their parents would be home soon. I placed her gently back in her crib, kissing her, and patting Co on his back, as if it were the last time I’d ever see them again. I don’t know if I planned on that, but I planned FOR that. Wrapping things up. That’s what I did in those days before I…checked myself in.
Why I am talking about this?
J--just a few more times. I am really still sad that I won’t be talking to her after a month. I wish so badly that she’d fight for me and know that it hurts me to tell me I have to leave. I hate it. After all that.
This strong-willed part of me thinks, maybe she will finish her dissertation soon. Maybe she will become certified soon. Maybe I can pay her to listen to me sooner than later. Then again, that sounds pretty pathetic. Then again, how in the world am I so cynical about something that I believe in my head makes sense, but in my heart and on my sleeve, well, I’m cynical. Sarcastic. Skeptical. “what’s your diagnonsense?” “Have you seen your therRAPIST yet?” Girl Interrupted. Don’t think I’m that sick if you’re reading this.
I am soo ready for a glass of wine…
Monday, March 2, 2009
Case Approach to Gestalt Therapy
Case Approach to Gestalt Therapy
Theory Assumptions
In accordance with the Gestalt approach to therapy, the individual or client must be understood by the therapist and others in the context of their relationship with the environment. This involves gaining awareness of one’s experiences both personally and socially. There is an assumption that through awareness, change can and will occur in an individual’s internal dynamics. This awareness is gained through appreciating and fully experiencing these dynamics and life experiences. While this process does not call for understanding why things occur, it does focus on the here and now and the what and how behind one’s experiences. By understanding these things, one can be better in touch with his or her awareness, which according to the Gestalt approach, can cure internal conflicts alone. In Gestalt therapy, the role of the therapist is to enable the client to come into contact with his or her experiences, whether past or present. By bringing the individual’s past experience to the present, the therapist helps the client to understand exactly how those experiences felt and impacted him or her. Understanding why certain events occurred is not a part of this process. Instead, understanding what they are and how they impacted the individual’s psyche is more important and imperative to gain awareness, thus ultimately resolving conflict.
Assessment Methods
In the case of the present client, it would first be important to gain a sense of trust in order create a safe environment for the client to open up to me as the therapist. After building this sort of rapport, it will then be easier for the client to open up about both her past and present life experiences. It will be important for the client to make contact with her past experiences with family members and peers, by experiencing in the present those sounds, sights, smells, and feelings that occurred in the past. For example, the client may share her experience with being a perfectionist as a child, remember how that feels and comparing it to her current thoughts and experiences of being a perfectionist. Contact with other experiences, such as playing softball may also be appropriate to better understanding the experience of both playing and not playing. For example, the client may remember how exhausted she felt after pushing herself mentally and physically for so long while playing softball, and this may lead to presently feeling more comfortable with the decision to quit several years ago. Coming into contact the feeling of exhaustion, the smell of dirt, the feel of the blazing sun, and the sound of cheers from the dugout and stands may bring about mixed emotions about softball for the client, but bringing them to her awareness will be helpful in resolving conflict that may be related to her past experiences with playing and quitting.
Other methods of assessing the client may include resolving “unfinished business” with past experiences. This may involve pretending to be a child again and coming into contact with the senses at a time during childhood when the client felt alone or abandoned by peers and family members. The client would make statements implying the childhood feelings are being felt now, like “I feel that…,” instead of “I felt that…” In putting herself in that position in the present and yet having a more mature perspective now, she may be able to resolve some “unfinished business.” As a Gestalt therapist, I would pay particular attention to the client’s body language and affect while she expresses these experiences. I may notice her lack of eye contact when talking about things that she feels embarrassed about or ashamed of, or her poor posture indicating a lack of confidence. Other expressions that I pay particular attention to may include her soft and often mumbling style of speaking when expressing her feelings about peers and how she sometimes feels isolated, both as a child and today. As a Gestalt therapist, I would also pay attention to specific language, such as the replacement of the pronoun “I’ with “you” or words of uncertainty, such as “I guess,” “perhaps,” and “maybe,” which she uses very often. Without deflecting, or veering away from the client’s expressing herself, it would be important to share my perception of these experiences, as the therapist, at an appropriate time. These would not necessarily be confrontationally overbearing, but rather insightful and hopefully helpful to the client’s ability to gain awareness of her experiences. For example, helping her to understand that she seems unsure of herself because she so often uses words of uncertainty or indecisiveness would make her more aware that she does so, and help her to use words that are more certain and clear.
Goals
The ultimate goal of participating in Gestalt therapy with the client is for her to gain a better awareness of both her past and present experiences, thus resolving the internal conflict. In gaining awareness, the client should become more content with who she is and what she does, rather than feel sad or anxious about what she has done in the past or who she will become in the future. In coming in contact with her feelings during specific experiences, the client will open herself up to making her own interpretations of those experiences and find meaning in them. Finding meaning in particular experiences may take a long time, and thus should be a long-term goal. However, a short-term goal could be gaining awareness of one experience at a time, and interpreting the meaning of each on an individual basis. For example, as mentioned above, if she could come into contact with her past experiences of playing softball, she may currently be able to understand why she quit and be more confident in her decision to quit several years ago. Also, there is a more pressing issue that revolves around the client’s feelings about her mortality, the meaning of life, and whether she is living a life worth living. This conflict may be ongoing, but a short-term goal may involve making contact with the feelings she had when her friend committed suicide, and remembering how that impacted others, as well. This experience may help the client to understand that despite the fact that the meaning of her life may be unclear, the importance of her life is very clear. While the short-term goal in this case is understanding the importance of staying alive now, the long-term is truly understanding her ultimate purpose in life.
Intervention Techniques
As mentioned above, trust between the therapist and the client is imperative in being successful in the therapeutic relationship. In order for interventions to be successfully implemented, as the therapist, I must walk a fine line of being nonjudgmental and yet sharing my perceptions and being mildly confrontational when necessary and appropriate. As the ultimate goal is for the client to gain increased and enriched awareness, my job as the therapist is to create the best environment for doing so. This may include encouraging the client to experiment, or shift from talking to experiencing certain events in her life. Other exercises include the internal dialogue, whereby the client engages in dialogue between the two polarities that exist internally. In the “making the rounds” exercise, the client can practice interacting with others (which in this case, would occur outside the therapeutic setting) by confronting, risking, and sharing herself with others, which is truly a challenge for this introverted client. In the reversal exercise, I would ask the client to behave opposite her natural self, such as extremely extraverted or energetic in order to allow her to recognize and accept both her natural characteristics, as well as others that do not come so naturally. Finally, in the rehearsal exercise, it will be important for the client to realize how much she wants to be liked and accepted by peers, as well as family members by sharing her rehearsals aloud.
Thought I'd spice things up and add a pic-since I talked about softball, I thought I'd include a couple pics from back in the day-when I was good.
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