'Hot Doc' Visit

So I saw "Hot Doc" aka Dr. E on Thursday, and I really like him. I pretty much fell apart, telling him that I don't feel good about anything in my life right now, I don't want to do anything, and school doesn't make me excited. It's kind of weird for me to cry in front of a guy doc...guess I'm just used to crying in front of females. Anyways. He is soo nice. He told me, "I know I can't say 'I know exactly how you feel' because I'm not depressed, but I can see that you're hurting and I hurt for you." He said he just really wants to help me, no matter what it takes. He said in 10 years of helping people in this field, only 6-10 have not gotten better. I thought he was going to say that 6-10 killed themselves. Maybe they did, but that's not what he said. He doesn't push the drugs on me, but he believes in them. He also wants to help me find another person, so he gave me a list, and said something about each one, instead of just telling me to pick a name that looks good.

Another thing he said was that the fact that I can't see J anymore has less to do with me and more to do with the rules. I know she told me that, but it means more coming from someone else I guess, maybe just the reassurance of the same story. Apparently they talked, and she found out that she has to stick to the 10-session rule b/c they want the "student counselors" to have their hand at helping "a variety of people." What a great sample of therapy. I mean don't they realize that that's not exactly therapeutic for some people?? I guess not. Oh well.

Another thing he said to me was just a reiteration of the fact that all these thoughts in my head about me being a burden on people is just the depression talking. I keep thinking that people must be getting tired of me moping around, being depressed. But he said that's the depression talking, and it's probably not the case. Sometimes I can tell myself that, but I don't believe it. I guess it was nice that he said that. Either way, though, I believe it's the truth, the fact that people who know me are probably getting tired of me and thinking "get over yourself."

Well, wish me luck with someone new...I'm gonna start with the one Dr. E. said he'd go to himself, or send his own sister to. That sounds like a pretty damn good recommendation, so I'm gonna try her. We'll see. Hopefully I will not get attached as I have to J. And hopefully she will be caring.
~me