Case Approach to Person-Centered Therapy
Basic Assumptions
Some basic assumptions of person-centered therapy are that the client is trustworthy and that the role of the therapist is to be available and able to listen with acceptance and without judging. The therapist is to be empathetic and understanding of the client’s subjective point of view and is to help the client to become more self-aware. Three attributes of a person-centered therapist are congruence, unconditional positive regard, and accurate empathetic understanding. In this role, the therapist engages in nondirective counseling, but helps the client to become more aware of his or her assets and to strive toward realization, personal fulfillment, and autonomy. He or she does not diagnose the client nor create a so-called “treatment plan” for the client in this type of therapy. Instead, through active listening, he or she encourages the client to find resolution through acceptance and self-awareness.
Assessment Methods
In my case, a person-centered therapist would gain insight into my life through my narrative and not necessarily through a psychological assessment. The therapist would listen carefully to my thoughts and feelings about my self-doubt and relationships with others, just to name of couple of issues. In listening carefully, he or she would exhibit congruence, or a genuineness that I could feel in just talking with him or her. He or she would also exhibit unconditional positive regard, whereby I would feel accepted and cared for, and not judged. Through accurate empathetic understanding, the therapist would theoretically be able to listen, understand, and grasp fully the feelings that I share. One example in my case is that he or she would empathize with my feelings about whether or not I will be “good” at what I hope to do as a future school psychologist, as well as my thoughts and feelings of being lonely, particularly since moving to a new place less than a year ago. He or she would also be able to empathize with my sadness about losing my friend to suicide and nearly losing my grandfather to it, and may further question my own thoughts about death. This process may lead me to feel sadness, pain, and/or resentment, but the therapist would help me to understand that ultimately, by increasing my awareness of these feelings, I will find resolve in the end. It would be important that he or she create a relationship based on what Corey refers to as “non-possessive warmth,” whereby I feel accepted and cared about, but in a therapeutic relationship different from others.
While the person-centered therapist may recognize both my previous and current experiences with depression and anxiety, he or she would not aim to diagnose and treat them, but rather would help me to become more aware of the things that are leading to those feelings and experiences. For example, I may spend time talking about the need for perfection that drives me to feel anxious and worried about being successful in the future, and perhaps discuss some things to help me to better understand or become aware of where that need comes from. Also, in talking about relationships, I may better understand or become aware of the qualities that I have to offer others, as well as what others can offer me, allowing me to experience more healthy relations with others. For example, if I were to become more aware that I am a loyal, funny, and compassionate person, then maybe I could better focus on implementing those characteristics in my relationships with others instead of the more negative or undesired characteristics, such as jealousy. Ultimately, assessment in this type of therapy would be an ongoing process as the therapist learns new things about me during each session.
Goals
Immediate goals in my case would involve helping me to feel loved and cared for unconditionally and accepted unconditionally, which would in turn lead to more hopeful thoughts on my part. Other goals might be to become more aware of my assets and positive qualities, as well as to create a healthy relationship with the therapist based on care and trust. I may also learn through talk therapy that I am good at some other things, so this may help me to better accept my decision to quit playing softball. While becoming self-aware is a process, called actualizing tendency, it takes time, and recognizing one thing at a time can be a short-term goal. Ultimately, it would be my responsibility to lead the discussions, and through this self-direction, discussion and bringing my thoughts to a more conscious level would demonstrate what my priorities and goals are.
Intervention Techniques
According to Corey, person-centered therapy is “especially applicable in crisis intervention.” This involves ensuring my safety, which, according to Corey, may involve the therapist suggesting hospitalization. After ensuring my safety, we could move on to more expressive techniques in helping me to feel accepted and loved by myself, as well as others. Through talk therapy, becoming more aware of my thoughts and feelings is an intervention in and of itself. Other interventions include expressive arts therapy, in which I could spend time drawing, painting, writing, etc., to express myself thoughts and feelings. In doing so, this will bring about awareness of thoughts and feelings and will help me to better understand myself. Corey says that this type of therapy is “transformative and healing.”
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Rain come down.
There is nothing like a good rainstorm. It has been raining all day off and on since I got home from class around 1 today. It made for the best nap. I tried my hand at some art tonight- borrowed some oil pastels from M. I liked it. Wish I was better, but I liked it. Drew one happy normal pic and one that...I was trying to think of a name for. And an explanation for anyone who asks. Oh well. For me, not others. I think.
Anyway, the storm just picked back up, and what better weather to blog, shuffle some iTunes, etc.? Eastmountainsouth's song came up, Rain Come Down, and I thought...how appropriate.
Here it is:
"Rain Come Down" by Eastmountainsouth
dark clouds a'risin'
thunder bolts a'rollin'
master Jesus ridin' around
with a rainbow 'round his shoulder
see the lightnin’ flashin’
sinners stand and tremble
master Jesus ridin' around
with a rainbow 'round his shoulder
rain come down, rain come down
hear Him above ridin' around.....
seek all, you seeker
come go to glory with me
you shall wear a starry crown
come join the band of angels
rain come down, rain come down
hear Him above ridin' around.....
rain come down, rain come down
hear Him above ridin' around.....
dark clouds a'risin'
thunder bolts a'rollin'
master Jesus ridin' around
with a rainbow 'round his shoulder
seek all, you seeker
come go to glory with me
you shall wear a starry crown
come join the band of angels
rain come down, rain come down
hear Him above ridin' around.....
rain come down, rain come down
hear Him above ridin' around.....
rain come down, rain come down
hear Him above ridin' around.....
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Can't Sleep
Can't sleep. I'd say I don't know what the problem is, but I do. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop these thoughts from racing in my head. Nothing will make them go away. I am trying not to take an ativan b/c hot doc told me not to (I might get addicted), but I hate the way that leaves me feeling...like I have nothing to hang on to if I can't deal with this anxiety and these racing thoughts. At least I have it, though. I can always fall back on it.
Grrr so I am reallllly frustrated about I how I feel about J. I feel that same sense of having on 50 min. to spill tomorrow and then I'm by myself again for another week. It was almost better when I wanted to kill myself and I coudl see her every few days...that's pretty f-ed up. What's the point? Why do I think I need to talk to her more? I don't get it. God, please don't let this obsession fall on her.
I've been thinking, what if I have Bipolar and experience hypomania instead of full mania? Like the other night, I felt so productive and I felt like I had just solved the world's problems b/c SA made me think about my obsessions preluding those relationships. I don't know. My thoughts ARE racing. I really want to be with sometone, but I am afraid that this feeling will be gone when the opportunity actually comes. Hmm. My eyes are burning my it doesn't change what's going on in my head. I tried to find the name of the song that was played at the end of church this morning and I can't find it. I tried iTunes and all the lyrics websites, too. Dangit.
B "fb-chatted" me tonight, just as his song came on on my itunes shuffle--"Love Don't Live Here Anymore". how ironic. He's here...with his gf for the stupid holiday. Why would he fb chat me when he's at his gf's house? Weird. I mean I guess friends can do that. But still, weird. I wonder sometimes if she even knows about me. Oh who cares.
Bllahhhh. Going to play cards again until I try to go to sleep again. My thoughts are killing me...once again.
P.S> It pisses me off for some reason that the clock on this blog site is over 2 hours behind...freakin LA time. lol. So always add 2 hours to the time posted. If you care like I do. blh.
Grrr so I am reallllly frustrated about I how I feel about J. I feel that same sense of having on 50 min. to spill tomorrow and then I'm by myself again for another week. It was almost better when I wanted to kill myself and I coudl see her every few days...that's pretty f-ed up. What's the point? Why do I think I need to talk to her more? I don't get it. God, please don't let this obsession fall on her.
I've been thinking, what if I have Bipolar and experience hypomania instead of full mania? Like the other night, I felt so productive and I felt like I had just solved the world's problems b/c SA made me think about my obsessions preluding those relationships. I don't know. My thoughts ARE racing. I really want to be with sometone, but I am afraid that this feeling will be gone when the opportunity actually comes. Hmm. My eyes are burning my it doesn't change what's going on in my head. I tried to find the name of the song that was played at the end of church this morning and I can't find it. I tried iTunes and all the lyrics websites, too. Dangit.
B "fb-chatted" me tonight, just as his song came on on my itunes shuffle--"Love Don't Live Here Anymore". how ironic. He's here...with his gf for the stupid holiday. Why would he fb chat me when he's at his gf's house? Weird. I mean I guess friends can do that. But still, weird. I wonder sometimes if she even knows about me. Oh who cares.
Bllahhhh. Going to play cards again until I try to go to sleep again. My thoughts are killing me...once again.
P.S> It pisses me off for some reason that the clock on this blog site is over 2 hours behind...freakin LA time. lol. So always add 2 hours to the time posted. If you care like I do. blh.
Case Approach to Adlerian Theory/Therapy
Basic Assumptions
The Adlerian theory suggests that humans are goal-oriented and motivated by social connectedness, not sexual urges as Freud suggested. Adler focused on individual psychology, or understanding an individual in his/her entirety, including all different components that work together to create the whole person. However, instead of focusing on the internal psychodynamics of the individual, there is an emphasis on interpersonal dynamics. A person’s social connectedness is something that can ultimately lead to personal destruction or personal fulfillment. Nevertheless, a client is not seen as ill should he or she be unsuccessful in this arena; instead, personal growth is sought over being “cured.”
Assessment Methods
The Adlerian theory offers several seemingly accurate explanations for my personality and struggles in life. One of those explanations that can be found in the assessment period is birth order. According to Adler, learning my birth order and family constellation in an initial assessment may help us to reach a better understanding of where I come from. I fit the description for the second child of only two pretty accurately. With a brother who is four years older than me, I sought the praise and attention of my parents and found achievement in activities that my brother did not excel in, such as music and academics. Though we are very similar, my personality is a lot more high-strung and I am certainly a “Type A” personality, whereas my brother is mostly a “Type B”. I strived to be more like my mom, getting good grades and earning trophies for taking piano lessons. As for my family constellation, I was always an anxious child and very much a perfectionist as compared with my parents and brother. One of my first memories is being three or four years old and my mom would put me in the backseat of her car and take me to a friend’s house so that she could go to work. I always remember waking up and seeing the Kudzu on the side of the road out the car window. My mom would leave me at her friend’s house while she worked, and we would play and attend pre-school before she picked me up and took me back home. I suppose it is possible that this was a very early form of abandonment in my perception/interpretation. An Adlerian therapist may see this as a theme in my early memories that has transcended into my current perception and beliefs. However, it may also be just one of the many faulty interpretations I have created. Other common themes in my memories are feeling regret, busyness, and the belief that everyone was happy-- something that I learned over the years has often been a façade to cover up truth and hurt, even in my extended family.
A second piece in the assessment process might involve recognizing some basic mistakes in my thought process. This may include bringing to light some faulty interpretations that I have made based on others’ words and actions. Some mistaken generalizations that I have made include questions such as, Do people really care about me? and Who will be willing to accept me and all of my baggage?, and Is life really worth the struggle? Recognizing these mistaken generalizations can lead to later rectifying them in therapy.
Social interest is a huge part of the Adlerian theory. Learning about my feelings of belonging may also provide reasons for the anxiety that I experience. For me, a sense of belongingness is lacking in my current lifestyle and has somewhat in the past, as well. This has lead to a lack of self-confidence, as well as a good deal of anxiety. Something that has also caused me anxiety is the self-doubt regarding my ability to help others successfully. What if I’m not good at what I do? This is a question I am constantly asking myself. The fear of not making a difference in the lives of others has been a predominant theme in my thought process lately. Adler suggested that this difficulty in making a difference for humankind is also a possible source of anxiety.
Long- and Short-Term Goals
After recognizing a few mistaken generalizations or thought processes, an Adlerian therapist may challenge me to modify these thoughts by making them more positive. This would likely take time, as it does anything that involves changing one’s thoughts. The therapist would focus on my conscious thoughts surrounding my social interest and how I relate to others. After bringing these thoughts to light, he or she may suggest setting both short- and long-term goals related to connecting better with others. I might start with connecting with one particular person in my cohort, and a long-term goal may include strengthening that relationship over time and/or doing something to make a difference in that one individual’s life.
Intervention Techniques/Methods
Among all of the intervention techniques in my case, the most important in Adlerian therapy would be that of encouragement. An Adlerian therapist would encourage me to recognize faulty interpretations and thought processes, and to work on modifying them to become more positive ones. In addition, I would be encouraged to connect with others and perhaps to do some things that result in making a difference in the lives of others and recognizing that I have the ability to do so. Recognizing this would help me to have more confidence and see that there are things that I am good at doing and that I can make a difference in society. In this collaborative relationship, we would work together to better understand me as a whole person, and which aspects of my self that I can modify to reduce the anxiety and also the fear of my mortality that I spoke of in my autobiography.
The Adlerian theory suggests that humans are goal-oriented and motivated by social connectedness, not sexual urges as Freud suggested. Adler focused on individual psychology, or understanding an individual in his/her entirety, including all different components that work together to create the whole person. However, instead of focusing on the internal psychodynamics of the individual, there is an emphasis on interpersonal dynamics. A person’s social connectedness is something that can ultimately lead to personal destruction or personal fulfillment. Nevertheless, a client is not seen as ill should he or she be unsuccessful in this arena; instead, personal growth is sought over being “cured.”
Assessment Methods
The Adlerian theory offers several seemingly accurate explanations for my personality and struggles in life. One of those explanations that can be found in the assessment period is birth order. According to Adler, learning my birth order and family constellation in an initial assessment may help us to reach a better understanding of where I come from. I fit the description for the second child of only two pretty accurately. With a brother who is four years older than me, I sought the praise and attention of my parents and found achievement in activities that my brother did not excel in, such as music and academics. Though we are very similar, my personality is a lot more high-strung and I am certainly a “Type A” personality, whereas my brother is mostly a “Type B”. I strived to be more like my mom, getting good grades and earning trophies for taking piano lessons. As for my family constellation, I was always an anxious child and very much a perfectionist as compared with my parents and brother. One of my first memories is being three or four years old and my mom would put me in the backseat of her car and take me to a friend’s house so that she could go to work. I always remember waking up and seeing the Kudzu on the side of the road out the car window. My mom would leave me at her friend’s house while she worked, and we would play and attend pre-school before she picked me up and took me back home. I suppose it is possible that this was a very early form of abandonment in my perception/interpretation. An Adlerian therapist may see this as a theme in my early memories that has transcended into my current perception and beliefs. However, it may also be just one of the many faulty interpretations I have created. Other common themes in my memories are feeling regret, busyness, and the belief that everyone was happy-- something that I learned over the years has often been a façade to cover up truth and hurt, even in my extended family.
A second piece in the assessment process might involve recognizing some basic mistakes in my thought process. This may include bringing to light some faulty interpretations that I have made based on others’ words and actions. Some mistaken generalizations that I have made include questions such as, Do people really care about me? and Who will be willing to accept me and all of my baggage?, and Is life really worth the struggle? Recognizing these mistaken generalizations can lead to later rectifying them in therapy.
Social interest is a huge part of the Adlerian theory. Learning about my feelings of belonging may also provide reasons for the anxiety that I experience. For me, a sense of belongingness is lacking in my current lifestyle and has somewhat in the past, as well. This has lead to a lack of self-confidence, as well as a good deal of anxiety. Something that has also caused me anxiety is the self-doubt regarding my ability to help others successfully. What if I’m not good at what I do? This is a question I am constantly asking myself. The fear of not making a difference in the lives of others has been a predominant theme in my thought process lately. Adler suggested that this difficulty in making a difference for humankind is also a possible source of anxiety.
Long- and Short-Term Goals
After recognizing a few mistaken generalizations or thought processes, an Adlerian therapist may challenge me to modify these thoughts by making them more positive. This would likely take time, as it does anything that involves changing one’s thoughts. The therapist would focus on my conscious thoughts surrounding my social interest and how I relate to others. After bringing these thoughts to light, he or she may suggest setting both short- and long-term goals related to connecting better with others. I might start with connecting with one particular person in my cohort, and a long-term goal may include strengthening that relationship over time and/or doing something to make a difference in that one individual’s life.
Intervention Techniques/Methods
Among all of the intervention techniques in my case, the most important in Adlerian therapy would be that of encouragement. An Adlerian therapist would encourage me to recognize faulty interpretations and thought processes, and to work on modifying them to become more positive ones. In addition, I would be encouraged to connect with others and perhaps to do some things that result in making a difference in the lives of others and recognizing that I have the ability to do so. Recognizing this would help me to have more confidence and see that there are things that I am good at doing and that I can make a difference in society. In this collaborative relationship, we would work together to better understand me as a whole person, and which aspects of my self that I can modify to reduce the anxiety and also the fear of my mortality that I spoke of in my autobiography.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A revelation.
I was just lying down to go to sleep, and these revelations are coming together in my head. Talking S, texting rather, I am coming to all these conclusions... I don't know how real they are, or if they are as logical as they seem, but right now I feel like I have just discovered electricity or something.
Ok, here goes.
What if my thoughts are obsessions? Ok, I know that seems surface-level, even a given- but what if my obsessions are what is leading to my attractions? What if I am obsessing soo much about wanting to be known and to know that nothing is off limits, even physical "omnipotence" so to speak? After all, how can you be known any more than the combination of being emotionally known and sexually known?? Furthermore, what if I develop these attractions as a defense mechanism of my obsessions- in an effort to keep them around? If we are physically involved, then maybe they will be less likely to leave me. Maybe I will feel successful in that that is allowing them to know me more. Is it possible to think that being sexually intimate means they will attach themselves to me as much as I am attached to theM? Why would I think that that would keep them around forever? Even if I don't want it forever? Are my beliefs about having sex with a guy/husband meaning forever linked to being intimate with a girl meaning she will not abandon me?? How messed up is that?? And yet it makes so much sense to me right now. Will anyone else see this? Will I have these same crystal clear thoughts tomorrow???
If this is so, how do I get rid of the obsessions? How do I stop obsessing about people? Further, are my actions compulsions? I have to stop obsessing in order to stop compulsive behavior if it is so. Is it fear of being rejected--which, by the way, is so cliche? Fear of abandonment? So what if I felt abandoned by my parents? So what if I think they don't accept all of me? Who careS?? What do I do to get over that?? How do I stop obsessing and start having healthy relationships? Freud might say that I'm begging my girl friends to hang around since my mom didn't...in my mind...hahaha. Crazy buster. Why can't I be like Adler and turn all my negative "childhood" experiences into positive things, using them as motivation to be happier in my later life? ohhh goodness...I'm going nuts learning about all these theorists/psychologists!
Ok, here goes.
What if my thoughts are obsessions? Ok, I know that seems surface-level, even a given- but what if my obsessions are what is leading to my attractions? What if I am obsessing soo much about wanting to be known and to know that nothing is off limits, even physical "omnipotence" so to speak? After all, how can you be known any more than the combination of being emotionally known and sexually known?? Furthermore, what if I develop these attractions as a defense mechanism of my obsessions- in an effort to keep them around? If we are physically involved, then maybe they will be less likely to leave me. Maybe I will feel successful in that that is allowing them to know me more. Is it possible to think that being sexually intimate means they will attach themselves to me as much as I am attached to theM? Why would I think that that would keep them around forever? Even if I don't want it forever? Are my beliefs about having sex with a guy/husband meaning forever linked to being intimate with a girl meaning she will not abandon me?? How messed up is that?? And yet it makes so much sense to me right now. Will anyone else see this? Will I have these same crystal clear thoughts tomorrow???
If this is so, how do I get rid of the obsessions? How do I stop obsessing about people? Further, are my actions compulsions? I have to stop obsessing in order to stop compulsive behavior if it is so. Is it fear of being rejected--which, by the way, is so cliche? Fear of abandonment? So what if I felt abandoned by my parents? So what if I think they don't accept all of me? Who careS?? What do I do to get over that?? How do I stop obsessing and start having healthy relationships? Freud might say that I'm begging my girl friends to hang around since my mom didn't...in my mind...hahaha. Crazy buster. Why can't I be like Adler and turn all my negative "childhood" experiences into positive things, using them as motivation to be happier in my later life? ohhh goodness...I'm going nuts learning about all these theorists/psychologists!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The Psych Ward Experience.
I don't really feel like going into reasons and background shit, so I'm just typing what I wrote in the back of my sudoku book and 1 piece of paper. Forgive the language, as I tend not to care when in a depressive state.
My life in the psych ward...
It's like a movie, but I'm a patient. In the fucking psych ward. Crazy ppl around me. I know how G'ma feels, surrounded by crazy old people, 4 plain walls, a shitty bed with stiff white sheets, a "dayroom" for all the stranger crazies to sit together and pretend to watch the tv in awkwardness. This guy down the hall wants to kill his wife. He told me so. In group therapy. He has the biggest freaking hands I've ever seen on a human being. Eric, this guy I had a class with is working here. I'd love to tell him I'm here to volunteer with him, but instead, I was admitted- I'm a patient. I can just remember standing in the bar upstairs downtown last semester and chatting with him about school and such. And now I'm a fucking patient.
Fucking crazies sitting around outside, some in their elephant-sized hospital gowns, other in the "civies", socks with flip=flops. We can't even wear shoes with laces- we may try to hang ourselves or strangle someone else I guess. But no worries b/c I have NO shoes. Turns out my male nurse Focker put my running shoes in my bag and sent them home with Shannon. No shoes for me.
You know, they're only crazies cuz I'm one of them right now. I have compassion for them, but usually I'm "on the other side of the table". But today, I'm one of them. Today, I got meals on these big-ass plastic trays, with cold rubbery food from every food group. And I got woken up at 6 o'clock in the fucking morning for no reason except to start my crying earlier than if they had just let me get myself up. I got people with RN, MD, and PhD behind their names to see me at my worst, having just woken up after crying myself to sleep, having day-old hair and no makeup and a tear-staind face and probably bad breath, too. In the looney-bin, here I am. Can't even find sanity in music b/c I might strangle myself with the cord of my earbuds. Maybe someone could develop wireless earbuds for ipods- just for the looneys like me!
On to real paper I guess- I ran out of white space in my Sudoku book. Oh yeah, did I mention the cages around the windows? Last night I thought they were solid b/c I couldn't see anything. But this morning I learned that they have some sort of mesh covering between the blinds and the room, with metal panels outlining the windows. They are locked. Not only can you not get out the window; you can'tn even see out it. Perhaps if you did, you might want to make a run for it- who knows?
You have to ask for everything. I HATE asking. Particularly people I don't know. There are so many wall plates and shit on the walls, and yet nothing. I had to flip 4 switches before one even turned the lights off- who knows what the others even did. I know this isn't the Ritz Carlton, but they dont' even have a tv in here- outlets to taunt you, even a [OO] button on the bed, but NO tv. The girl said if there was a tv, people might not leave their rooms---duhhh. And that would not help them to get better. Anyways. Not a phone, either. If you want to talk to someone on the phone, they have to call you and you get to talk to them in the "day room". In front of all the crazies and nurses, you get to air out all your business--within the hour you're allowed phone calls, that is.
I feel like Tom Hanks, stranded on an island. I need to make me a "Wilson"- a friend, someone or something to entertain myself. What can I do with sheets, a 1/2 zip fleece, 3 books, a pen, 2 styrofoam cups, and a graham cracker wrapper?? Hmmm....I WILL make something! Maybe I'll call it 'Dixie' hahahahahahaha....
Oh beverage choices. Would you like Sprite Zero or Diet Caffeine free Coke?? Becuase God forbid you have too many calories and you get FAT ANDDD HAPPY in this place!!!!!!!!!
Why do we group crazy people and sad people together? I know they are both mental illnesses, but aren't they quite different?? You don't put monkeys and cows in the same little square pens just because they are both animals, do you ??
Monday, February 9, 2009
There will be a day.
Yes, the journey seems long, and sometimes I feel alone. But I pray that I can hold on 'til that day- when there won't be anymore suffering. No more tears. No more pain. No more fears. I asked God, weeping, last Thursday why He hadn't saved me from this suffering, and He answered me right in that moment: "I AM saving you."
"There Will Be A Day"
By Jeremy Camp
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
[Chorus]
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
[Chorus]
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting
I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I wish I could just call someone and talk. I wish it were that easy. I wish I didn't feel so alone. I wish this would all just go away. Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I overcome? I'm sorry. To all you who have tried to help, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I worry you. I'm sorry that I'm a burden. I'm sorry that you can't make it all better. I'm sorry I'm not more receptive. I'm sorry I am so stubborn. I'm sorry I'm not stronger.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Freud...a challenging psychoanalysis of myself.
The first of many applications of counseling theories to my own life...quite a challenge. This one was particularly challenging because it is difficult to apply Freud's psychosexual stages of development to one's life now.
From a psychoanalytic approach, Freud would have a lot of questions regarding my childhood experiences and psychosexual development. A psychoanalytic therapist would need to gather some more information during an intake session so that he or she could supplement a personal narrative with the given autobiography. He or she may spend a good bit of the time asking me further about my childhood to learn more details about my relationships with my parents and my childhood experiences. The therapist would suggest that my problems with anxiety and depression are directly related to unconscious conflicts. These conflicts may be related to problems that occurred in my childhood, and have been exacerbated by current stressors in my life.
A psychoanalytically oriented therapist would likely suggest that perhaps I did not complete, or regressed to, the oral stage of psychosexual development, resulting in my struggle in forming friendships and relationships. He or she may suggest that because I was not breast-fed, my needs were not met and therefore I never completed the oral stage successfully. In addition, he or she may attribute my nail-biting, an oral fixation, to this conflict, suggesting that I may still be trying to have this need met somehow. If this is the case, I may never be able to resolve this conflict aside from recognizing it.
Upon further observation, one might also suggest that I have an unresolved conflict in the anal stage. In my childhood, there was a conflict between maintaining my dependence on my parents and gaining my own independence and making decisions for myself. With a little encouragement, I made decisions but may have subconsciously felt guilty for making them. Perhaps my parents contradicted themselves in that they encouraged my independence and yet encouraged my dependence on them simultaneously. Therefore, I have spent a lot of my life trying to prove to them that they could be proud of the decisions I have made on my own instead being completely confident in those decisions myself. Not only have I spent most of my life trying to prove that I am a “good” person, but I have strived for perfection as long as I can remember. This involves being “anal retentive” about my possessions and my planning and organization. Sometimes I think that if it appears that I have everything perfectly in order on the outside, then others will think that I do on the inside, too.
Problems with my desire for my father’s approval may have developed as a result of conflicts in the phallic stage of my development. I have sought his approval from a young age, and continue to do so, perhaps more unconsciously than consciously. Not only through achievement, but through other relationships, I have sought to find a man who will love me unconditionally and whom my father will approve of.
In further sessions, a psychoanalytic therapist might spend time encouraging me to bring my unconscious thoughts and motivations to consciousness. This could be accomplished using free association, dream analysis, or other interpretative techniques. The therapist may find that my anxiety increases as a result of talking about my relationship with my parents, and may want to dig deeper into this conflict. He or she may discover that I exhibit defense mechanisms, such as repression or denial, to hide from any negative experience I may have had in my childhood. Maybe there was a traumatic experience (likely more emotional than physical) that I have repressed. I have denied this trauma because I have always believed my relationships with my parents was healthy because they did not physically abuse me or hurt me, but rather were emotionally absent. Perhaps it was my parents that put too much pressure on me to succeed in athletics, music, and school, and not myself. Perhaps in an effort to protect them, I took responsibility for being a perfectionist instead of recognizing that they were responsible for putting so much pressure on me to be successful.
After being extremely active in my childhood and early adolescence, it is possible that I regressed to Freud’s genital stage after reaching college and quitting softball. After I quit softball, I lost most of my desire to participate in activities, and perhaps there arose a conflict in my ability to deal with sexual energy. It is possible that my quitting softball and other activities further exacerbated the conflict with my sexuality because I was no longer investing my sexual energy into activities or even friendships. As a result, I found it difficult to form relationships, and my sexual identity was in question. Additionally, I no longer had the opportunity to compensate for my own limitations using sports, so without softball, I was suddenly faced with my limitations and no other way to compensate for them.
A psychoanalytic therapist would have a field day with dream analysis with me. He or she would learn of the many memorable dream that I have and their content. For example, both my fear of my father and my unconscious guilt may be very clear through a dream I had about waking up with my boyfriend in my bed and my father standing at the end of it with a shotgun pointed towards us. This dream was very telling and anxiety provoking for me, and one could easily understand why. In addition, one could interpret other recurring dreams that I’ve had, such as those in which I am emotionally and/or physically intimate with someone. Perhaps this desire is manifesting itself unconsciously through dreams when I am feeling lonely and isolated in my conscious life.
The thoughts around my friend’s suicide may be interpreted in several different ways. For one, I could be repressing a feeling of guilt in not doing anything that may have prevented A.J.’s death. Am I regressing in my mind back to the last time I spent with A.J. and wishing I had said or done something differently? One might also say that I am experiencing neurotic anxiety, in which case I am afraid that my instincts toward suicide will get out of my control and I, too, might become a victim of suicide. On the other hand, perhaps my thoughts about my friend’s death are serving as an unconscious reminder to live my life to it’s fullest potential or to express my care for others in my life more often.
Short-term goals for my therapy may include first, bringing unconscious thoughts to consciousness in order to recognize developmental and/or current conflicts. This may include bringing to consciousness my thoughts about my early childhood and my relationship with my parents, and my feelings about other relationship’s I’ve had, and about A.J.’s death. In addition, I may realize that perhaps my desire is to regress back a few years to when I was 22 or 23, like my other cohort members, so that I can experience a better college experience than I actually had when I was their age. Further down the line, I may learn to accept my experience when I was their age and how to accept where I am now. I may also spend time learning how to more appropriately compensate for the relationship conflicts with my parents, and how I might be able to control my own mortality, thus reducing my anxiety and fears about my own death. By all means, a “cure” seems pretty impossible, but Freud believed that by bringing all of the unconscious to consciousness, then a cure is in sight. However, as it is, my skepticism in this theory itself may just be another active defense mechanism or evidence of further conflict in the oral, anal, phallic, latency, and/or genital stages of development.
From a psychoanalytic approach, Freud would have a lot of questions regarding my childhood experiences and psychosexual development. A psychoanalytic therapist would need to gather some more information during an intake session so that he or she could supplement a personal narrative with the given autobiography. He or she may spend a good bit of the time asking me further about my childhood to learn more details about my relationships with my parents and my childhood experiences. The therapist would suggest that my problems with anxiety and depression are directly related to unconscious conflicts. These conflicts may be related to problems that occurred in my childhood, and have been exacerbated by current stressors in my life.
A psychoanalytically oriented therapist would likely suggest that perhaps I did not complete, or regressed to, the oral stage of psychosexual development, resulting in my struggle in forming friendships and relationships. He or she may suggest that because I was not breast-fed, my needs were not met and therefore I never completed the oral stage successfully. In addition, he or she may attribute my nail-biting, an oral fixation, to this conflict, suggesting that I may still be trying to have this need met somehow. If this is the case, I may never be able to resolve this conflict aside from recognizing it.
Upon further observation, one might also suggest that I have an unresolved conflict in the anal stage. In my childhood, there was a conflict between maintaining my dependence on my parents and gaining my own independence and making decisions for myself. With a little encouragement, I made decisions but may have subconsciously felt guilty for making them. Perhaps my parents contradicted themselves in that they encouraged my independence and yet encouraged my dependence on them simultaneously. Therefore, I have spent a lot of my life trying to prove to them that they could be proud of the decisions I have made on my own instead being completely confident in those decisions myself. Not only have I spent most of my life trying to prove that I am a “good” person, but I have strived for perfection as long as I can remember. This involves being “anal retentive” about my possessions and my planning and organization. Sometimes I think that if it appears that I have everything perfectly in order on the outside, then others will think that I do on the inside, too.
Problems with my desire for my father’s approval may have developed as a result of conflicts in the phallic stage of my development. I have sought his approval from a young age, and continue to do so, perhaps more unconsciously than consciously. Not only through achievement, but through other relationships, I have sought to find a man who will love me unconditionally and whom my father will approve of.
In further sessions, a psychoanalytic therapist might spend time encouraging me to bring my unconscious thoughts and motivations to consciousness. This could be accomplished using free association, dream analysis, or other interpretative techniques. The therapist may find that my anxiety increases as a result of talking about my relationship with my parents, and may want to dig deeper into this conflict. He or she may discover that I exhibit defense mechanisms, such as repression or denial, to hide from any negative experience I may have had in my childhood. Maybe there was a traumatic experience (likely more emotional than physical) that I have repressed. I have denied this trauma because I have always believed my relationships with my parents was healthy because they did not physically abuse me or hurt me, but rather were emotionally absent. Perhaps it was my parents that put too much pressure on me to succeed in athletics, music, and school, and not myself. Perhaps in an effort to protect them, I took responsibility for being a perfectionist instead of recognizing that they were responsible for putting so much pressure on me to be successful.
After being extremely active in my childhood and early adolescence, it is possible that I regressed to Freud’s genital stage after reaching college and quitting softball. After I quit softball, I lost most of my desire to participate in activities, and perhaps there arose a conflict in my ability to deal with sexual energy. It is possible that my quitting softball and other activities further exacerbated the conflict with my sexuality because I was no longer investing my sexual energy into activities or even friendships. As a result, I found it difficult to form relationships, and my sexual identity was in question. Additionally, I no longer had the opportunity to compensate for my own limitations using sports, so without softball, I was suddenly faced with my limitations and no other way to compensate for them.
A psychoanalytic therapist would have a field day with dream analysis with me. He or she would learn of the many memorable dream that I have and their content. For example, both my fear of my father and my unconscious guilt may be very clear through a dream I had about waking up with my boyfriend in my bed and my father standing at the end of it with a shotgun pointed towards us. This dream was very telling and anxiety provoking for me, and one could easily understand why. In addition, one could interpret other recurring dreams that I’ve had, such as those in which I am emotionally and/or physically intimate with someone. Perhaps this desire is manifesting itself unconsciously through dreams when I am feeling lonely and isolated in my conscious life.
The thoughts around my friend’s suicide may be interpreted in several different ways. For one, I could be repressing a feeling of guilt in not doing anything that may have prevented A.J.’s death. Am I regressing in my mind back to the last time I spent with A.J. and wishing I had said or done something differently? One might also say that I am experiencing neurotic anxiety, in which case I am afraid that my instincts toward suicide will get out of my control and I, too, might become a victim of suicide. On the other hand, perhaps my thoughts about my friend’s death are serving as an unconscious reminder to live my life to it’s fullest potential or to express my care for others in my life more often.
Short-term goals for my therapy may include first, bringing unconscious thoughts to consciousness in order to recognize developmental and/or current conflicts. This may include bringing to consciousness my thoughts about my early childhood and my relationship with my parents, and my feelings about other relationship’s I’ve had, and about A.J.’s death. In addition, I may realize that perhaps my desire is to regress back a few years to when I was 22 or 23, like my other cohort members, so that I can experience a better college experience than I actually had when I was their age. Further down the line, I may learn to accept my experience when I was their age and how to accept where I am now. I may also spend time learning how to more appropriately compensate for the relationship conflicts with my parents, and how I might be able to control my own mortality, thus reducing my anxiety and fears about my own death. By all means, a “cure” seems pretty impossible, but Freud believed that by bringing all of the unconscious to consciousness, then a cure is in sight. However, as it is, my skepticism in this theory itself may just be another active defense mechanism or evidence of further conflict in the oral, anal, phallic, latency, and/or genital stages of development.
Some more photography.
I like photography and I still haven't printed my pics from Auburn/Fall yet, so I decided to just post a few more older ones that I like. Whenever I look at them, I wish I could spend more of my time going places and taking more pictures. Oh well, here's to these.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Pressure
"Pressure" by Staind
I just need this to be alright
I can't feel this another night
I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
Necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake
Chorus
Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure
If you need me I'll be here
Half unconscious to escape my fear
I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
Necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake
Chorus
My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight, am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in
Chorus
I just need this to be alright
I can't feel this another night
I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
Necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake
Chorus
Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure
If you need me I'll be here
Half unconscious to escape my fear
I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
Necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake
Chorus
My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight, am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in
Chorus
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