A revelation.

I was just lying down to go to sleep, and these revelations are coming together in my head. Talking S, texting rather, I am coming to all these conclusions... I don't know how real they are, or if they are as logical as they seem, but right now I feel like I have just discovered electricity or something.

Ok, here goes.

What if my thoughts are obsessions? Ok, I know that seems surface-level, even a given- but what if my obsessions are what is leading to my attractions? What if I am obsessing soo much about wanting to be known and to know that nothing is off limits, even physical "omnipotence" so to speak? After all, how can you be known any more than the combination of being emotionally known and sexually known?? Furthermore, what if I develop these attractions as a defense mechanism of my obsessions- in an effort to keep them around? If we are physically involved, then maybe they will be less likely to leave me. Maybe I will feel successful in that that is allowing them to know me more. Is it possible to think that being sexually intimate means they will attach themselves to me as much as I am attached to theM? Why would I think that that would keep them around forever? Even if I don't want it forever? Are my beliefs about having sex with a guy/husband meaning forever linked to being intimate with a girl meaning she will not abandon me?? How messed up is that?? And yet it makes so much sense to me right now. Will anyone else see this? Will I have these same crystal clear thoughts tomorrow???

If this is so, how do I get rid of the obsessions? How do I stop obsessing about people? Further, are my actions compulsions? I have to stop obsessing in order to stop compulsive behavior if it is so. Is it fear of being rejected--which, by the way, is so cliche? Fear of abandonment? So what if I felt abandoned by my parents? So what if I think they don't accept all of me? Who careS?? What do I do to get over that?? How do I stop obsessing and start having healthy relationships? Freud might say that I'm begging my girl friends to hang around since my mom didn't...in my mind...hahaha. Crazy buster. Why can't I be like Adler and turn all my negative "childhood" experiences into positive things, using them as motivation to be happier in my later life? ohhh goodness...I'm going nuts learning about all these theorists/psychologists!