Shinkeishitsu = me

So in reading for a class about Eastern psychological theories, I think I have official discovered myself. Shinkeishitsu = me! This is a type of neurosis characterized by anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Read below to find out exactly what my source says...

Shinkeishitsu neurosis generally includes three clinical groups: neurasthenia, anxiety neurosis, and obsessional fears. These clients are introverted, pessimistic, socially inhibited, perfectionistic, oversensitive, critical of self, have somatic and psychologic complaints, and feel inferior.

...

However, shinkeishitsu clients are described as demonstrating the Japanese concept of sei no yokubo (ie. the desire to live fully). They tend to be brighter than normal, ambitious, high achievers, intellectually oriented, and anxious to be rid of their symptoms. Morita believed that the shinkeishitsu symptoms indicate just how strongly they have sei no yokubo. These individuals have sei no chikara (ie. the strength of life) that obsessively drives them to seek a "cure"...

...

In Japanese usage, the term homophobia refers to 'undue or irrational anxiety, fear, and discomfort in or in prospect of interaction with fellow human beings. Shinkeishitsu clients are generally overly sensitive, have problems relating to people and are self-conscious in public. Reynolds (1980) claimed they bombard themselves with questions such as "What do people think of me?" "Does everyone see my weaknesses?" "Why don't I accomplish more?" Their response to this, of course, tends to be avoidance of social situations, when possible, and more of a flight inward...

'Beating My Heart'

"Beating My Heart"
by Jon McLaughlin

There are times every now and then
I forget why I'm breathing out
And why I'm breathing in
And I get so sick with the little things
I can't relax when it's happening
To know what it means
It means

And then I open my eyes
And I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart
Look at the sky
I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart
I go extra miles to show
That You are the one thing that I've got
Look at the sky
I know You're beating my heart, beating my heart

There's a sun coming over the horizon
I wanna know where it's coming from
But doesn't everyone
It's like who am I and why am I here

This whole world will take me down
Without You standing by my side
My side
You're holding onto me
You're making everything inside
Come alive

Great News

Great News...I got the assistantship for at least the summer. This means that my tuition (almost $10k/semester) will be completely paid for, and in addition, I will also be paid. This is super-duper. Pray that I will find satisfaction (success) in this and that I will be excited about this great opportunity...and that I will fulfill my duties as necessary, and get the opportunity to continue the assistantship through the Fall and Spring of the coming school year...that would be reallllllllly great.
~me

'Happiness'

"Happiness"
by The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go*
But you are gone- not for good but for now*
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good*

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all*
Let it go, live your life and leave it*
Then one day, you'll wake up and she’ll be home*
Home, home, home

J.D.

"Where The Story Ends"
by The Fray

Trying not to lose my head but I have never been this scared before
Tell you what I'll do instead, lay my body down on the floor
To forget what I've done, silhouette til the good lord come
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
Trying not to lose your own, boxing up everything, you've got
All you ever knew of home, you're scared scared to see
Your mother there in the door, you wonder where did the years go
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
But this is how the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
The violins make no sound
And I begin to feel the ground
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
But this is where the story ends
Or have we just begun
To kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one

"Ungodly Hour"
by The Fray

Don't talk, don't say a thing
Cause your eyes they tell me more than your words
Don't go, don't leave me now
Cause they say the best way out is through

And I am short on words knowing what's occurred
She begins to leave because of me

Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour

I know you're leaving now
Cause I held on to my way tightly
Stay still until you know
Tomorrow finds the best way out is through

And I am short on words knowing what's occurred
She begins to leave because of me

Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour

Where are you?

Where are you, you who will comfort me and hold me??

"Say When"
by The Fray

I see you there, don't know where you come from
Unaware the stare from someone
Don't appear to care that I saw ya. And I want you
What's your name
Cuz' I have to know it
You let me in and begin to show it
We're terrified 'cuz we're heading straight for it, might get it.

You're in the song playing on the background
All alone but you're turning up now
And everyone is rising to meet you, to greet you
Turn around and you're walking toward me
I'm breaking down and you're breathing slowly
Say the word and I will be your man, your man

[Chorus]
Say when
And my own two hands will comfort you
Tonight, tonight
Say when
And my own two arms will carry you
Tonight, tonight

Going Nuts but Some Potential Good News

Damn I am tired...mentally. I could potentially be going nuts... I cannot stand to be inside of myself. I know that what I have to stay probably makes absolutely no sense. But I can't help it. I just have this constant jittery feeling, like what will I do with myself next?? I can't sit still for more than a minute, which makes for HELL when you have 3 hour classes, not to mention 2 of those back 2 back. Ughhh...have I mentioned before how much I hate Tuesdays?? I keep complaining to everyone how I hate sitting through these classes, and they all seem to respond by saying "eh-it's not that bad...i kind of enjoy it." Ok so basically it's just me. I mean, I made it through 1 semester and part of this one just fine. I haven't always hated it like this. What is my freaking problem?? B brought up the fact that it could be the Abilify making me feels this way...why didn't I think of that sooner?? Maybe it could be that I am so caught up in feeling this way and sleeping and wondering what to do with myself and plotting my own death that I haven't thought about that...until last night. Maybe it IS the Abilify that is making me feel this way. I mean, I do feel less depressed (I think??) but then I hate this feeling so much that it makes me want to die, so then again maybe I am still depressed. Who knows. Grrr...Today, while sitting in class, I literallly thought about leaving and getting....................................... Well this is interesting. I had this long story and suddenly I hit a button and it was gone. Does this mean something? Does this mean I shouldn't have typed it in the first place? ok fine. I'll go with that. But I am frustrated, damnit.

Well next subject. Potential good news: there is a chance that I could get an assistantship next school year, which means school is PAID FOR and I might get paid on top of that!!! This is SUPER news. I am currently not allowing myself to get too excited because A. It might not happen, and B. I'm worried about getting myself through the rest of the semester, let alone through the rest of my school time. So it's slightly difficult for me to get excited, but this is definitely something to be excited about. Getting this assistantship would mean my mom doesn't have to pay for my school (approximately $30k/year) and I would not have loans to pay back. This is huuuuuuuuuuge. It would not only be like a gift to myself, but to my parents, too. Sooo...pray for me because on Thursday I have an interview with a lady who will be working in collaboration with "Joe" to make the decision as to whether or not I will be offered the position. Also, pray that if they do offer it to me, that I will be able to accept and complete the job as required, and kick this $h!t depression and anxiety so I can be successful at doing the job and maintaining my student status. Ok so prayers would be good ok?

Umm...well I tried emailing Dr. K, but apparently I either don't have the correct address or she has not checked it, or she has and she has not responded by email nor by phone. Grrr. I am also debating on calling Dr. E (hot doc) to ssee if I should see him before next Thursday regarding this whole Abilify thing. BTW, if he changes it, let me know if you know anyone who needs some b/c I currently have 3 bottles in my possession...damnit!!!

Ok I think that's all for now, though this has been quite therapeutic...

Case Approach again.

In case anyone cares, here is yet another case approach to my life, this time from a different "therapeutic lens". Enjoy.

Case Approach to Postmodern Therapy

Theory Assumptions
In the Postmodern approach to therapy, there is an assumption that a client’s reality is socially constructed, and that reality should not be disputed against for accuracy or rationality; it is what it is. There are four slightly different approaches to Postmodern therapy, which include Collaborative Language Systems, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, Solution-Oriented Therapy, and Narrative Therapy. For this case approach, I will focus on the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy approach. In this approach, the focus is clearly on solutions to a particular problem or problems, and not the problem itself. The focus is also on the present and the future, not the past. Therefore, there is little attention given to clinical diagnosis, history, or exploring the cause of the problem or problems. In focusing on a solution or solutions to a problem, the therapist directs the client to focus on what is working and exceptions to problem patterns. The therapist works in a collaborative relationship with the client, but acknowledges that the client is the expert of her life story - it’s satisfactory moments, problems and solutions. The client is encouraged to do things differently if a problem exists. The goal is to find a satisfactory solution to the client’s problem or problems in as quickly a time frame as possible, therefore this type of therapy is considered “brief.”

Assessment Methods
In the assessment process of Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, the therapist works to promote a sense of optimism and hope in the client. The therapist first finds out what the client wants. In this case, the client desires to feel content in her current life situations, both in relationships and in her student role. Though the therapist recognizes that the client is presenting with depression and anxiety, she does not focus on the pathology of the diagnosis. Instead, she will encourage the client to change her actions, since what she is currently doing is obviously not working for her. The therapist, for example, may suggest that the client get a steady job in order to feel more satisfied and content with her position as a student again, since she once felt more important when she had a steady job. Other suggestions may include spending more time with others, since the client currently feels sad and isolated when she is alone. Once the client can make these changes and feel some sense of satisfaction or conflict-resolution, then the therapy can end.

Goals
Goals are to be addressed at the beginning of therapy, so that the focus is on solutions and the end is in sight. They are to be specifically chosen by the client, though the therapist may help in formulating them. The goals may be small, but realistic, so that the client can more easily make changes in order to solve the current problem in her life. They are action-oriented, and attainable, concrete, and specific. One goal that the client may make is changing her views in a particular situation. For example, while the client may not feel “successful” now because she is not working for a steady income and she is a full-time student, she could change her perspective of the situation so that she feels content in her role as a student, and satisfied where she is in life. While this may be applied immediately, a long-term goal may be learning how to change her views to more optimistic ones and applying them to other situations in her life. Another goal involves changing the “doing” in the problematic situation. In this way, the client may have a goal of actually changing what she is doing in order to alleviate negative emotions and to feel more content. For example, the client may see that if she spends more of her time working to earn an income, or doing more for others, she may learn that she feels better about herself and more content with the fact that she is a working student. In doing for others, she may find that she feels a greater sense of worth and meaning, as well. While the client may make small changes in the near future, it may take a little more time to make some changes, and therefore these greater changes may be considered long-term goals.

Intervention Techniques
Though the relationship between the client is collaborative and solution-focused, there are three types of relationships that can describe the position of the client: customer, complainant, and visitor. Currently, the client takes the position of the complainant, whereby she recognizes a few problems in her current life situation, but she feels unable to make changes in order to solve the problems. The ultimate position of the client would be a customer, whereby the client not only recognizes her problems, but she is also able to take an active role in solving the problems. With a little encouragement, this client could easily transition to the customer position.

There are several techniques that could be used to help the client focus on solutions to her current problems. One of these techniques involves asking the client about the actions she has taken thus far to solve the problems. In recognizing these actions, the therapist points out that the client is doing something positive to change things, and that there is hope. For the current client, recognizing that she has sought help, both medically and psychologically, could give the client a sense of hope in finding resolution, since she has already taken the first steps.

Another technique involves asking the client exception questions. These are questions that ask the client what things were like when the problem either did not exist at all or was not as intense as it currently is. For example, the therapist may ask the client what her life was like when her depression was not as intense as it is now.

Another technique that Solution-Focused Brief therapists may use is asking “The Miracle Question.” This is asking the client what her life would be like should she wake up one day and the problems that she is currently experiencing did not exist at all. In asking this question, the therapist asks the client how she would know the problems were solved, and what would be different. This process opens up opportunities for the client to imagine what it would take to alleviate her problems, and then actively make changes in order to solve the problems.

Other techniques that can be used include asking scaling questions, giving the client a Formula First Session task, and providing feedback at the end of sessions. The therapist may ask scaling questions in order to determine progress that the client has made, which may be mood-related and/or action related. Also, in giving a “homework assignment” or task between the first and second session, the client gains both a sense of awareness of his or her problems in relation to their solution, and a sense of optimism that things can and will change. By giving feedback, the therapist helps the client to understand the orientation of the solutions to her problems, as well as the progress she has made. This feedback can be given in the final 5 to 10 minutes of each session. Finally, after the client is able to construct a satisfactory solution to her problems, then the therapy can end. This type of therapy is meant to help the client to solve problems as quickly as possible, but should allow for the client to return to the therapist should she have difficulty with problems in the future. Termination of therapy should be a healthy, positive experience for both the client and the therapist.

Homework #2 - Who am I?

25 basic things to describe who I am:
1. Christian
2. Former Athlete
3. Love music
4. Love photography
5. Left-handed
6. Somewhat ambidextrous
7. Perfectionist
8. Grad student
9. School psych major
10. Born in NOLA
11. From Atlanta
12. Go to AU
13. Worked for Nike
14. Have 1 brother
15. Drive 2dr Accord named "Liberty"
16. Text more than talk on phone
17. Patriotic/Military supporter
18. Enjoy James Frey books
19. Nail-biter
20. Love "Meet the Parents"
21. Work in church nursery
22. Love pics of Niagara Falls
23. Love sunsets
24. Had a fish named "Woody"
25. Compulsive listmaker!

Naked List: Feelings that describe me:
1. Anxious
2. Apprehensive
3. Skeptical
4. Pessimistic
5. Discouraged
6. Sad
7. Frustrated
8. Excited
9. Misunderstood
10. Tense
11. Loved
12. Unaccepted
13. Confused
14. Depressed
15. Annoyed
16. Out of shape
17. Needy
18. Jealous
19. Regretful
20. Worried
21. Lazy
22. Cuddly
23. Meaningless
24. Needy
25. Complicated

Here is a pretty detailed/accurate description of me:
I enjoy traveling, like to watch and play sports; love music; like to read non-textbooks (and yep, I even enjoy some of those 'self-help' books that people make fun of); love massages; wish i could play the guitar; have bitten my fingernails as long as i can remember; bite my lips and my cheeks, too; love taking pictures and being inspired by others' photography; love small children; like to cuddle; my feet are always freakin' freezin'; text message too much; don't like talking on the phone; have lots of shoes, mostly nike; have way more dishes than i could possibly need; sometimes take scenic routes just to be different; love the smell of burning wood, fresh-cut grass, and cranberry-orange candles; learning how to restore old friendships, maintain newer ones, and still have plenty of alone time; i am caring, loyal, analytical, indecisive, self-conscious, funny/...oh and perfectionistic. I am currently living by lists, and I secretly wish I could be a rock star.

Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.

college life

College life...I can't believe I am here sometimes. I always wanted that "real college experience"...as an undergrad, I never went to a football game or a party or any sort of Greek life function. I always wanted to at least experience it. Well, here at AU, I cannot believe how real that experience is...drunk at the football games, drunk at the bars, drunk driving, drunk at frat parties. I mean seriously, it is just the thing to do, and people not only do it, but survive it. Yesterday everyone in town saddled up, put on their daisy dukes and cowboy boots, loaded up their alcohol and their collapsable chairs, and went to a RODEO. lol. actually, this is an appropriate time to use the term "LMAO"--LAUGHING MY ASS OFF! Anywho, I couldn't believe how many people went to this thing, and drank literally from sun-up to sundown - including my roommates - and loved every minute of it! I just think that is sooo dumb. And then, this morning, they were all reminescing about the things they could remember, who they were talking to (guys), who they made out with, who's a whore, and of course, going through the pictures that were taken on their cameras. And, inevitably, sometime this afternoon, a photo album with some witty title will appear on Facebook, complete and tagged with everyone...but me. Yeah, it's so stupid, but yeah, I also feel left out despite how completely retarded the whole thing is.

Anyway, I recently heard this song on the radio called "I love college"...and it speaks the honest truth to what these people do!! Read the lyrics, and if you don't believe them, come to this college campus and see it for yourself!!!

(intro)
i’m nice right now
i, i feel good
if you have a drink
would you please put it in the air

(chorus)
that party last night was awfully crazy
i wish we taped it
i danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked
drink my beer and smoke my weed
with my good friends is all i need
pass out at 3 wake up at 10
go out to eat then do it again

(verse one)
i wanna go to college for the rest of my life
sip bankers club and drink miller lite
on thirsty Thursday and Tuesday night ice
and i can get pizza a dollar a slice
so fill up my cup
lets get fucked up
im next on the table
who want what
i am champion at beer pong
allen iverson hakeem olajuwon
dont even bounce, not in my house
better hope you make it
otherwise you naked

time isnt wasted when you’re getting wasted
woke up today and all i could say is

(chorus)

(bridge part)
man i love college
and i love drinkin
i love women
i love college

(verse two)
i cant tell you what i learned from school
but i could tell you a story or two
um yea of course i learned some rules
like don’t pass out with your shoes on
and don’t leave the house till the booze gone
and don’t have sex if shes too gone
when it comes to condoms put two on
then tomorrow night find a new JAWN
hold the beer bong
nothing wrong with some fun
even if we did get a little just too drunk

time isnt wasted when you’re getting wasted
woke up today and all i could say is

(chorus)

(bridge part)

now if everybody would please
put their drink as high as they can
as high as they can
and repeat after me

CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG

FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN

DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY

KEGSTAND KEGSTAND KEGSTAND KEGSTAND

yea
that party last night
man i love college
i love it
that party last night
alright everybody i gotta head back to class for a little bit

(chorus in background)

but after that
you know whats goin down
my house and 3 kegs
see you there
you’re all invited
bring your friends
bring your mom

do i really have to graduate
or can i just stay here for the rest of my life

'Homeworks'

SO I have a new therapist, and she is giving me homework. I will probably write it on here, and then print it out for my "appointments". Without further ado...

"Identify things you want for yourself (only) that I can help you acieve within about a 2-3 month period."

What do I want?
I want to be confident in knowing that I have a reason to live and stay here on this earth. I want to know that I mean something to others, even without them telling me so. I want to know that I can and will be successful in life- with friends, in a relationship, in a relationships with my family, in a career, and in my spiritual life. I would like to approve of myself enough that I don't need others to approve of me- my life, my decisions, who I am, etc... I want to be trusting, but not vulnerable. I want to get ride of depressing thoughts BEFORE they almost kill me. I want to feel healthy- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'd like to enjoy the time between now and when I reach my goals instead of just wishing it would hurry up and pass by.