3/26/12
I can't tell if this is real or if this is something I'm creating in my head...I think to myself, I'm making too much of this...I'm thinking too much...there really is no reason to be thinking these thoughts. But...I feel lost in myself-both my thoughts and my feelings. I feel like I haven't stopped biting my fingernails in weeks. When I looked in the mirror today, I realized my lip had been bleeding from chewing on it. I cannot stop. When I do, I am sleeping.
I look at my thigh and I see superficial scrapes where I once saw deep bleeding cuts. They don't even look substantial. I feel this need to make them more substantial in my eyes. I think...this is crazy; I don't have to do this. Why am I thinking this? And then I return to the other thought again--this is something I want to do. And I think, why not do it? Aside from the insanity of it all, I really can't think of a reason not to do it. No one sees it; if someone does, then they know me...really KNOW me. And the phrase continues to run through my mind again and again: I don't care.
I am at a loss for what to talk to God about. What do I ask Him? Each morning, I pray mostly the same "old story": requests for strength and energy, a good day, feeling well, being productive, etc. I pray for others on my mind and and for their health and safety. And then I'm on with it, the same thing every day. And so, I feel numb with this lukewarm faith. I feel apathetic at times, despite making selfish requests and a few prayers for others. I have little desire and yet little...reason for avoidance at the same time. And I don't know why. I recall praying in the past that I would not just be loved but that I would FEEL loved. And I repeat this in my mind at this moment because I am not exactly sure that I am feeling anything; I don't know- that is always repeating in my mind..."I don't know."
I feel hungry and full all at the same time. I feel fat and lazy and achy and tired. my breath becomes more and more shallow each minute that passes by. And I debate: Ativan or no Ativan,? Drink? Sleep? And I wait and I hope and i wait some more, hoping someone will send me a message...especially "you". I try so hard not to be the first- to let you be just for at least a night without making you think of me. This ongoing battle will not relent in my mind and in my gut; I just keep hoping and waiting. And the frustration that this brings is incredible and then tenfold as I think about the weight it puts on you and on the relationship that we have established. I consistently fear I am sabotaging something good...and then I think maybe I'm sabotaging something that is really only something in MY mind. And I hate this about me--this perpetual "thinking this" and "saying that" and then saying I'm sorry and I'm sorry for being sorry and I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry and...I'm just messing up more and more with every thing I say, let alone think. And I cry. Because of all things, being annoying and burdensome and frustrating and Unappealing is soo not what I want to be to you. Or anyone for that matter. And I just think the less I say, the better. But then I feel. Which leads to speaking. Fail. :(
...which leads me to...true sadness at this moment. This is something that I DO feel, but then I made myself feel this way because of all the places my mind has taken me...therefore there was nothing there before I made something, right? Good gracious, this is exhausting. I question even sharing this with AnYone because I am exhausted with it myself and can only imagine what it looks like from the outside...
Ending this evening with 2 quotes I just read from Erwin McManus' "Soul Cravings":
"When we live in an intimate relationship with God, we are able to love ourselves and become passionate about loving others. When we are disconnected from God, we find ourselves increasingly empty of love."
"We are born to belong, we are created for connection, and whether we admit it to ourselves or not, we spend our whole lives trying to fit in, get in, and stay in. It almost doesn't even matter what 'in' is; we just want to belong somewhere."
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Years later...a familiar place to write.
I was thinking of starting an email, typing in a Word document, starting a new blog, etc. etc., but this seemed so much easier! Just picking up where I left off....years ago. I can't believe I am saying that- "years"...
Interesting to read through the places I've been over the last few years. I find myself in such a different place now, yet so many things are the same.
In the past 2 years, I *have done my best to* change my attitude from "getting through each day" to "living." Period. Getting through each day is so depressing, wishing life would hurry up and pass by. I'm always digging deeper into that saying, "Life is short." I mean relatively-in terms of eternity-it is short; but when you're living, life is not short. Does that make sense??
In just picking up and writing about where I am now - without updating as though I need to - I am going to say this: The depressing thoughts that I am having right now relate to this: I have no intimate relationships right now. Not in the physical sense, but in the emotional, connection sense. I have no one to whom I tell my struggles, my fears, my everything. I keep this from my family, that from so-and-so, and others from everyone else. This is a lonely thought.
I am finding myself wanting to sleep more and more, and this is scary, because I know what this means. It means the depression is back. It means I could be on a slippery slope. And yet it is familiar; it is...I don't know... I have these indecisive thoughts- like I make up my mind to do something, and then before doing it, I decide I'm not sure I want to do it. Example: I got up thinking I was going to VA today; I went to church and was up for a good day. After the music stopped at church, I sat down and I began thinking...I just want to go home and sleep. I don't know if I want to go to VA. And so that's how the day has been. Anxiety, nausea, debates- do I take an Ativan? Do I lay down on the couch? Do I have the energy to write? I should go for a walk with Pattie. Go somewhere. Work on a report that has to be finished by tomorrow afternoon. Ride my bike. "Phone a friend." But I don't feel like doing ANY of those things. I just want to sleep. And count on being motivated to do one of those things later. Or another day. Or another week...
Disconnected. This is how I feel. I feel disconnected from people, relationships; from myself; from God; from the options that I have available to do besides mope, sleep, drink, cut. I cannot seem to grasp any of these things in my hands. There is something that I am avoiding thinking about that I cannot place. There's fear and anxiety associated with it, yet I cannot reach it. It would be easier to describe or understand the fear if I knew what exactly I was fearing. But I don't. It's something so vague...What is it? This is not a riddle!
There is a hole. Again and again, I hear the analogy of our "God-shaped" hole in our hearts and the inability to fill it with anything or anyone else. So then I wonder, what is it that is preventing God (or preventing me from allowing Him) to fill it? Is it this disconnection from Him that I am experiencing? How do I get the fire back? Better yet, will this hole ever be filled? I am not a "lost" person who hasn't yet realized that God can save me, or fill this so-called hole. I know that He is supposed to. But what is it about me? Empty. Or just half full. Either way, there is too much blank space and I'm not sure what is supposed to be occupying it, or if it will ever be occupied for that matter.
Interesting to read through the places I've been over the last few years. I find myself in such a different place now, yet so many things are the same.
In the past 2 years, I *have done my best to* change my attitude from "getting through each day" to "living." Period. Getting through each day is so depressing, wishing life would hurry up and pass by. I'm always digging deeper into that saying, "Life is short." I mean relatively-in terms of eternity-it is short; but when you're living, life is not short. Does that make sense??
In just picking up and writing about where I am now - without updating as though I need to - I am going to say this: The depressing thoughts that I am having right now relate to this: I have no intimate relationships right now. Not in the physical sense, but in the emotional, connection sense. I have no one to whom I tell my struggles, my fears, my everything. I keep this from my family, that from so-and-so, and others from everyone else. This is a lonely thought.
I am finding myself wanting to sleep more and more, and this is scary, because I know what this means. It means the depression is back. It means I could be on a slippery slope. And yet it is familiar; it is...I don't know... I have these indecisive thoughts- like I make up my mind to do something, and then before doing it, I decide I'm not sure I want to do it. Example: I got up thinking I was going to VA today; I went to church and was up for a good day. After the music stopped at church, I sat down and I began thinking...I just want to go home and sleep. I don't know if I want to go to VA. And so that's how the day has been. Anxiety, nausea, debates- do I take an Ativan? Do I lay down on the couch? Do I have the energy to write? I should go for a walk with Pattie. Go somewhere. Work on a report that has to be finished by tomorrow afternoon. Ride my bike. "Phone a friend." But I don't feel like doing ANY of those things. I just want to sleep. And count on being motivated to do one of those things later. Or another day. Or another week...
Disconnected. This is how I feel. I feel disconnected from people, relationships; from myself; from God; from the options that I have available to do besides mope, sleep, drink, cut. I cannot seem to grasp any of these things in my hands. There is something that I am avoiding thinking about that I cannot place. There's fear and anxiety associated with it, yet I cannot reach it. It would be easier to describe or understand the fear if I knew what exactly I was fearing. But I don't. It's something so vague...What is it? This is not a riddle!
There is a hole. Again and again, I hear the analogy of our "God-shaped" hole in our hearts and the inability to fill it with anything or anyone else. So then I wonder, what is it that is preventing God (or preventing me from allowing Him) to fill it? Is it this disconnection from Him that I am experiencing? How do I get the fire back? Better yet, will this hole ever be filled? I am not a "lost" person who hasn't yet realized that God can save me, or fill this so-called hole. I know that He is supposed to. But what is it about me? Empty. Or just half full. Either way, there is too much blank space and I'm not sure what is supposed to be occupying it, or if it will ever be occupied for that matter.
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