Well it has been one very long week. I completed my goal of not taking any naps during the day all week. It has been pretty warm all week, and then on game day, the temp dropped like 20 degrees. So of all games, we were in the shade the WHOLE game and the wind was blowing so hard! It was finally my idea of a college football game! Anyways, we played a great game, and almost pulled out a win against Georgia. We were cheering and screaming the whole time, and I could feel my face literally getting burned by the wind. We hung out with friends afterwards, and watched a few Georgia fans (friends of friends) get plastered in the middle of the day...by drinking lots of alcohol very quickly out of a plastic tube attached to a funnel (I know what it is, but I laugh secretly at the hilarity of its actuality). And people laughed. I sat, as if completely outside of the situation, in unbelief of this college "regularity". Is it really so fun?
Anyways, we came home and showered, and I should have listened to my gut, which was suggesting maybe I stay home, rest, and get to bed earlier so that I could get to church, Waumba Land, and feel well enough to write my paper in the afternoon. Instead, not wanting to be left out, and desiring so badly to see B that I couldn't not go. So again, I found myself sitting amongst all these college kids drink drink drinking. At some point, they started a "power hour" as they had the night before at another girl's house. Once again, everyone else was doing it, so I joined, taking a small shot of rum and coke, and then vodka and sprite, once a minute as the song changed. Thinking unclearly, I thought "At least they aren't pure shots" and "I will skip a few", I finished almost 2 cups of mixed beverages. And then it hit me. I am drunk now. But hey, so was everyone else. This is fun, right?
At some point, we went to a bar. And somehow I managed to get more money out of hte ATM with everyone else, because the stupid place wanted $10 just to get in. I don't know how I pressed the right buttons. I really did not need to spend any more money this weekend, but everyone else was. If everyone else can afford it, why can't I? Uggh.
Crazyness. It wasn't long before I found myself sitting on the steps to the dance floor. Texting drunk texts. Hoping that B would find me. I don't know why I cared. Or care. Why? I should have stayed home. At some point, I started crying, and I knew I was out of control and had no chance of regaining it. I just wanted to die. At least until it was over. Ugh. What were people thinking of me? Just take me home and let me die,too.
I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to forget it all. I don't want to even drink out of a cup because it makes me think about it again. Ohh I am stupid, why did I take my med when I got home? that could not have helped my situation. I would have rather just gotten up and thrown up and gotten it over with.
Hopefully this will now help me write my paper, as it is 5:30 and I didn't get out of bed until 4. Ughh must get going. Make it all go away. Stop thinking, but think. I know, it makes NO sense.
Here's to making the smarter decision next time, even if I don't feel cool about it.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Today I am Manic & I Love Fall
Hello, hello, long time no talk...
Ok, it hasn't been that long, but after writing a few days in a row, it seems like a long time when you wait a few days.
Anywho.
Today marks Day 5 of my no-nap goal. I know, it sounds silly, but I had to start somewhere. I had gotten into the habit of sleeping during the day almost everyday, despite already not having to get up at a certain time most mornings. So I started Sunday, and I've managed to keep myself fairly busy- or at least busy enough- to stay awake from at least 11 to 11. I do feel a lot better. Not sleeping during the day means I at least feel more productive, and I, for the most part, sleep better at night. It seems that I have been tired pretty much all the time ever since I had mono in the Spring, and I just couldn't kick the feeling. I've had so many tests and diagnoses, and it just gets old. At a certain point, you just feel like never complaining or going to the doctor at all because it seems like you've used up all the complaining points for the rest of your life.
Today I feel almost manic, I feel the need to be so productive. I am constantly making lists and I cannot stop. Is this a compulsion? I don't know. Does it make me feel in control? Not exactly. It is what it is--it's my way of having a visual list, a)so I do not forget what I need to do, and b)so i can try to stop thinking about it in my head. Anywho, rush rush rush, here I am.
I just returned from a little photography time, which is definately a must-have in my life, particularly in the Fall. I try to take time at least once every Fall to take a road trip somewhere or to just stop and look around me and see things. See things through a different lens. It dawned on me today, as it does often, that some things will never be again-- the sky's color or cloud formation, for example. The sky will likely not look as it did today any other day ever. God is amazing in that He does that. He gives us so many different perspectives to see his creations from, and creates such unique situations. Sometimes I find myself wishing I had a camera with me, just because I know I will never ever be able to capture that one particular view that I have at that very moment. But I have to remind myself that God creates so many of those moments, and it is a reminder to take advantage of as many moments as possible.
Well, not to get too sentimental here, but I will post a few of my favorite Fall pictures that I have taken in previous years, at least until I get today's developed.
On to try to write my paper on teaching children with emotional and behavior disorders...
~me
Thursday, November 6, 2008
M is talking to me; 'Be Strong and Courageous'
Aside from a few blisters on my feet, I had a pretty good day today.
I immediately woke up ready to be productive. I felt quick in the shower, ready to go. Lunch with Amber, then worked on my closet for a while. Had a lot to do for school, and did a presentation with Sophie for Psi Chi...
M has been talking to me more and this makes me happy. For the longest time, I felt like she has been avoiding me and I have been soo jealous of her friendship with K, especially since we all met at the same time. But anyways, I feel like M is sharing more of her life with me- maybe she feels more comfortable with me. Maybe since I've been talking to D, she feels more comfortable with me. I dunno. But I really pray that things only get better. And plus Dr. Davis pointed out that I need to look at things from other's perspectives and not just my own. Things aren't really always what they seem to be to me.
Anyways, I have decided to stop being apathetic about at least one thing-- God, at least for as long as I can. I have been in a small group for a couple of months almost now, and I have not read or completed any of the studies. Yesterday A emailed us and wants us to dig deep into this week's study, so I really want to, and maybe it will help us to be more open with one another as a semi-large group. I really want to get past the drama of everyday life and boyfriends and so forth and so on...I really want more than that in a new friendship and in this church small group. It has been soo long - if ever - that I have truly been comfortable in a small group study.
So tonight, I started with Chapter 1. God reminded me something- He said
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
~Joshua 1:9
Thanks for reminding me...no matter how alone I feel and how discouraged and defeated I feel, YOU are with me. And thanks for giving me that little nudge--I really need that right now, in a time when I feel weak and skeptical about so much in life.
So here's to 24 hours of goodness.
I immediately woke up ready to be productive. I felt quick in the shower, ready to go. Lunch with Amber, then worked on my closet for a while. Had a lot to do for school, and did a presentation with Sophie for Psi Chi...
M has been talking to me more and this makes me happy. For the longest time, I felt like she has been avoiding me and I have been soo jealous of her friendship with K, especially since we all met at the same time. But anyways, I feel like M is sharing more of her life with me- maybe she feels more comfortable with me. Maybe since I've been talking to D, she feels more comfortable with me. I dunno. But I really pray that things only get better. And plus Dr. Davis pointed out that I need to look at things from other's perspectives and not just my own. Things aren't really always what they seem to be to me.
Anyways, I have decided to stop being apathetic about at least one thing-- God, at least for as long as I can. I have been in a small group for a couple of months almost now, and I have not read or completed any of the studies. Yesterday A emailed us and wants us to dig deep into this week's study, so I really want to, and maybe it will help us to be more open with one another as a semi-large group. I really want to get past the drama of everyday life and boyfriends and so forth and so on...I really want more than that in a new friendship and in this church small group. It has been soo long - if ever - that I have truly been comfortable in a small group study.
So tonight, I started with Chapter 1. God reminded me something- He said
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
~Joshua 1:9
Thanks for reminding me...no matter how alone I feel and how discouraged and defeated I feel, YOU are with me. And thanks for giving me that little nudge--I really need that right now, in a time when I feel weak and skeptical about so much in life.
So here's to 24 hours of goodness.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I am "The Guardian Portrait of the Protector"
Go to humanmetrics.com. There, you can take a 72-question Jung-Typology Test, which is a shortened version of the MMPI basically. The results were, of course, no surprise, but I liked the description given by Keirsey, linked from my result:
We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their part, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.
Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.
Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.
Mother Teresa, George H.W. Bush, Jimmy Steward, and Tsar Nicholas II are examples of Protector Guardian style.
We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their part, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.
Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.
Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.
Mother Teresa, George H.W. Bush, Jimmy Steward, and Tsar Nicholas II are examples of Protector Guardian style.
What I Want, by Ryan Calhoun
Lyrics to What I Want :(Written by Ryan Calhoun)(feat. Lindsay Ray)
I've got nothing left
I've given my best
And I know I can't do this
On my own
I'm torn between
Going after dreams
Or living with regret
Of letting go
I'm done with banging my head against the door
But can you peel me off this floor
Cuz I don't know if I can get up again
What I want may not be what I need
Have I been let down?
Or am I learning now?
To trust in what I cannot see
But I'm tired of trying to figure out what you want
And tired of always screwing up
But this is all of me
What I want may not be what I need
Just let it go…
What I want may not be what I need
[ What I Want Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]
I've got nothing left
I've given my best
And I know I can't do this
On my own
I'm torn between
Going after dreams
Or living with regret
Of letting go
I'm done with banging my head against the door
But can you peel me off this floor
Cuz I don't know if I can get up again
What I want may not be what I need
Have I been let down?
Or am I learning now?
To trust in what I cannot see
But I'm tired of trying to figure out what you want
And tired of always screwing up
But this is all of me
What I want may not be what I need
Just let it go…
What I want may not be what I need
[ What I Want Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]
There is no quick fix.
Well, here I am again... I still haven't decided whether or not I really want to do this. Maybe it's a committment thing. I think more than that, I am just afraid of who will discover what about me. I mean, in truth, everyone wants to be known. So what scares us about people actually finding out the truth, and knowing us? I don't know. What's the worse case scenario?? Someone may be surprised, taken aback, disappointed maybe...but why should I care about that?
I asked on my facebook page about what ppl think about blogging online...I only got one response. It wasn't very encouraging, or discouraging for that matter. I guess people really don't care. If they don't care about responding to my status, what makes me think they will care at all about reading this stuff or judging me based on it? Ahh screw it...
I feel like I am really missing something right now. I feel a hole in my heart, and it can't be filled right now. I am longing for intimacy....friendship, love, touch, care....and I am finding it nowhere. Sure, maybe I am just looking in all the wrong places.
I feel apathetic about life right now.... and yet, sometimes I feel as though I'd rather be dead than apathetic...is that a feeling?? I don't care about much, really, lately. I put minimal effort into school work, and yet, I am surviving grad school. The truth is, I think I really need a job. This whole unemployment thing isn't really seeming like the blessing I thought it was. I'd almost rather give it to someone who really wants to sit on their ass for free money, and just get to busting mine so I can regain some sanity. I don't know. I just feel really discontent and dissatisfied with life right now.
I have decided I am going to call the counseling center tomorrow. I could tell last week that Dr. Davis was really disappointed in me for not following through what I told her I'd do. And now, I'm sure she's doubting me, and part of me wants to be able to call her before she goes on maternity leave just to tell her I found somebody. God, I am crying out for someone to care. Someone to notice. Dr. Davis is right....there is something comforting about this constant rut, and maybe I really don't want to get out of it. Why wouldn't I though? What makes it comfortable to be so dissatisfied with life, so much so that you cannot do anything about it?? Well, I am going to try to find out if all of the counselors here are students or if there are any professionals that exist. I am pretty opposed to talking to another student after the whole incident with Priti at GSU and her fucking up my mind more than it already was/is. But truthfully, I should not sit here any longer, thinking the things I am thinking and feeling the way I do. I know there is no quick fix. I know that it takes time. I know it will be hard. But am I willing to fight through it? I am willing to work? I dont' know. So many times I think I'd rather just give up....I'm not like all those people who fight cancer and survive accidents and live to be such an awesome testimony. I'm weaker than that.
Fuck. What am I thinking?? I need to snap out of this. I need to get over myself. I need to stop this pity party. I need to love others and stop crying out for someone to love me. Stop. Just stop.
I asked on my facebook page about what ppl think about blogging online...I only got one response. It wasn't very encouraging, or discouraging for that matter. I guess people really don't care. If they don't care about responding to my status, what makes me think they will care at all about reading this stuff or judging me based on it? Ahh screw it...
I feel like I am really missing something right now. I feel a hole in my heart, and it can't be filled right now. I am longing for intimacy....friendship, love, touch, care....and I am finding it nowhere. Sure, maybe I am just looking in all the wrong places.
I feel apathetic about life right now.... and yet, sometimes I feel as though I'd rather be dead than apathetic...is that a feeling?? I don't care about much, really, lately. I put minimal effort into school work, and yet, I am surviving grad school. The truth is, I think I really need a job. This whole unemployment thing isn't really seeming like the blessing I thought it was. I'd almost rather give it to someone who really wants to sit on their ass for free money, and just get to busting mine so I can regain some sanity. I don't know. I just feel really discontent and dissatisfied with life right now.
I have decided I am going to call the counseling center tomorrow. I could tell last week that Dr. Davis was really disappointed in me for not following through what I told her I'd do. And now, I'm sure she's doubting me, and part of me wants to be able to call her before she goes on maternity leave just to tell her I found somebody. God, I am crying out for someone to care. Someone to notice. Dr. Davis is right....there is something comforting about this constant rut, and maybe I really don't want to get out of it. Why wouldn't I though? What makes it comfortable to be so dissatisfied with life, so much so that you cannot do anything about it?? Well, I am going to try to find out if all of the counselors here are students or if there are any professionals that exist. I am pretty opposed to talking to another student after the whole incident with Priti at GSU and her fucking up my mind more than it already was/is. But truthfully, I should not sit here any longer, thinking the things I am thinking and feeling the way I do. I know there is no quick fix. I know that it takes time. I know it will be hard. But am I willing to fight through it? I am willing to work? I dont' know. So many times I think I'd rather just give up....I'm not like all those people who fight cancer and survive accidents and live to be such an awesome testimony. I'm weaker than that.
Fuck. What am I thinking?? I need to snap out of this. I need to get over myself. I need to stop this pity party. I need to love others and stop crying out for someone to love me. Stop. Just stop.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Trying Something New
Ok, so I have been thinking about starting my own blog for a while now, but I have my reservations. First of all, do I want people to know exists?? Part of me says yes, it will be a chance for people to get some insight on what I am thinking about, particularly at times when I am not good at verbalizing my thoughts and feelings. At other times, I think I would like for this to almost be anonymous, allowing me to feel comfortable enough to write about anything any time, without worrying about having people I know reading it and perhaps judging me or learning things about me that maybe I am not ready for them to learn. So I don't know. One thing I do know is that writing is healthy, and chances are I am more likely to type now than write, in this age of computing all the time.
Thoughts on what to write about here:
School
Career
Relationships
Friendships
Family
Worries
My relationship with God
Fears
Complaints
Dreams (wishes)
Dreams (as in the unconscious ones)
Prayers
TV shows....Grey's, Jon & Kate, Idol, etc.
Vacations
Road trips
Photography
General Insight
Inspiration/Motivation
Music/Artists
more to come.....
Ok, so here's to trying something new!
~me
Thoughts on what to write about here:
School
Career
Relationships
Friendships
Family
Worries
My relationship with God
Fears
Complaints
Dreams (wishes)
Dreams (as in the unconscious ones)
Prayers
TV shows....Grey's, Jon & Kate, Idol, etc.
Vacations
Road trips
Photography
General Insight
Inspiration/Motivation
Music/Artists
more to come.....
Ok, so here's to trying something new!
~me
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