There is no quick fix.

Well, here I am again... I still haven't decided whether or not I really want to do this. Maybe it's a committment thing. I think more than that, I am just afraid of who will discover what about me. I mean, in truth, everyone wants to be known. So what scares us about people actually finding out the truth, and knowing us? I don't know. What's the worse case scenario?? Someone may be surprised, taken aback, disappointed maybe...but why should I care about that?

I asked on my facebook page about what ppl think about blogging online...I only got one response. It wasn't very encouraging, or discouraging for that matter. I guess people really don't care. If they don't care about responding to my status, what makes me think they will care at all about reading this stuff or judging me based on it? Ahh screw it...

I feel like I am really missing something right now. I feel a hole in my heart, and it can't be filled right now. I am longing for intimacy....friendship, love, touch, care....and I am finding it nowhere. Sure, maybe I am just looking in all the wrong places.

I feel apathetic about life right now.... and yet, sometimes I feel as though I'd rather be dead than apathetic...is that a feeling?? I don't care about much, really, lately. I put minimal effort into school work, and yet, I am surviving grad school. The truth is, I think I really need a job. This whole unemployment thing isn't really seeming like the blessing I thought it was. I'd almost rather give it to someone who really wants to sit on their ass for free money, and just get to busting mine so I can regain some sanity. I don't know. I just feel really discontent and dissatisfied with life right now.

I have decided I am going to call the counseling center tomorrow. I could tell last week that Dr. Davis was really disappointed in me for not following through what I told her I'd do. And now, I'm sure she's doubting me, and part of me wants to be able to call her before she goes on maternity leave just to tell her I found somebody. God, I am crying out for someone to care. Someone to notice. Dr. Davis is right....there is something comforting about this constant rut, and maybe I really don't want to get out of it. Why wouldn't I though? What makes it comfortable to be so dissatisfied with life, so much so that you cannot do anything about it?? Well, I am going to try to find out if all of the counselors here are students or if there are any professionals that exist. I am pretty opposed to talking to another student after the whole incident with Priti at GSU and her fucking up my mind more than it already was/is. But truthfully, I should not sit here any longer, thinking the things I am thinking and feeling the way I do. I know there is no quick fix. I know that it takes time. I know it will be hard. But am I willing to fight through it? I am willing to work? I dont' know. So many times I think I'd rather just give up....I'm not like all those people who fight cancer and survive accidents and live to be such an awesome testimony. I'm weaker than that.

Fuck. What am I thinking?? I need to snap out of this. I need to get over myself. I need to stop this pity party. I need to love others and stop crying out for someone to love me. Stop. Just stop.