Soul Cravings...

3/26/12

I can't tell if this is real or if this is something I'm creating in my head...I think to myself, I'm making too much of this...I'm thinking too much...there really is no reason to be thinking these thoughts. But...I feel lost in myself-both my thoughts and my feelings. I feel like I haven't stopped biting my fingernails in weeks. When I looked in the mirror today, I realized my lip had been bleeding from chewing on it. I cannot stop. When I do, I am sleeping. 

I look at my thigh and I see superficial scrapes where I once saw deep bleeding cuts. They don't even look substantial. I feel this need to make them more substantial in my eyes. I think...this is crazy; I don't have to do this. Why am I thinking this? And then I return to the other thought again--this is something I want to do. And I think, why not do it? Aside from the insanity of it all, I really can't think of a reason not to do it. No one sees it; if someone does, then they know me...really KNOW me. And the phrase continues to run through my mind again and again: I don't care. 

I am at a loss for what to talk to God about. What do I ask Him? Each morning, I pray mostly the same "old story": requests for strength and energy, a good day, feeling well, being productive, etc. I pray for others on my mind and and for their health and safety. And then I'm on with it, the same thing every day.  And so, I feel numb with this lukewarm faith. I feel apathetic at times, despite making selfish requests and a few prayers for others. I have little desire and yet little...reason for avoidance at the same time. And I don't know why. I recall praying in the past that I would not just be loved but that I would FEEL loved. And I repeat this in my mind at this moment because I am not exactly sure that I am feeling anything; I don't know- that is always repeating in my mind..."I don't know."

I feel hungry and full all at the same time. I feel fat and lazy and achy and tired. my breath becomes more and more shallow each minute that passes by. And I debate: Ativan or no Ativan,? Drink? Sleep? And I wait and I hope and i wait some more, hoping someone will send me a message...especially "you". I try so hard not to be the first- to let you be just for at least a night without making you think of me. This ongoing battle will not relent in my mind and in my gut; I just keep hoping and waiting. And the frustration that this brings is incredible and then tenfold as I think about the weight it puts on you and on the relationship that we have established. I consistently fear I am sabotaging something good...and then I think maybe I'm sabotaging something that is really only something in MY mind. And I hate this about me--this perpetual "thinking this" and "saying that" and then saying I'm sorry and I'm sorry for being sorry and I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry and...I'm just messing up more and more with every thing I say, let alone think. And I cry. Because of all things, being annoying and burdensome and frustrating and Unappealing is soo not what I want to be to you. Or anyone for that matter. And I just think the less I say, the better. But then I feel. Which leads to speaking. Fail. :(
...which leads me to...true sadness at this moment. This is something that I DO feel, but then I made myself feel this way because of all the places my mind has taken me...therefore there was nothing there before I made something, right? Good gracious, this is exhausting. I question even sharing this with AnYone because I am exhausted with it myself and can only imagine what it looks like from the outside...

Ending this evening with 2 quotes I just read from Erwin McManus' "Soul Cravings":

"When we live in an intimate relationship with God, we are able to love ourselves and become passionate about loving others. When we are disconnected from God, we find ourselves increasingly empty of love."

"We are born to belong, we are created for connection, and whether we admit it to ourselves or not, we spend our whole lives trying to fit in, get in, and stay in. It almost doesn't even matter what 'in' is; we just want to belong somewhere."

Years later...a familiar place to write.

I was thinking of starting an email, typing in a Word document, starting a new blog, etc. etc., but this seemed so much easier! Just picking up where I left off....years ago. I can't believe I am saying that- "years"...

Interesting to read through the places I've been over the last few years. I find myself in such a different place now, yet so many things are the same.

In the past 2 years, I *have done my best to* change my attitude from "getting through each day" to "living." Period. Getting through each day is so depressing, wishing life would hurry up and pass by. I'm always digging deeper into that saying, "Life is short." I mean relatively-in terms of eternity-it is short; but when you're living, life is not short. Does that make sense??

In just picking up and writing about where I am now - without updating as though I need to - I am going to say this: The depressing thoughts that I am having right now relate to this: I have no intimate relationships right now. Not in the physical sense, but in the emotional, connection sense. I have no one to whom I tell my struggles, my fears, my everything. I keep this from my family, that from so-and-so, and others from everyone else. This is a lonely thought.

I am finding myself wanting to sleep more and more, and this is scary, because I know what this means. It means the depression is back. It means I could be on a slippery slope. And yet it is familiar; it is...I don't know... I have these indecisive thoughts- like I make up my mind to do something, and then before doing it, I decide I'm not sure I want to do it. Example: I got up thinking I was going to VA today; I went to church and was up for a good day. After the music stopped at church, I sat down and I began thinking...I just want to go home and sleep. I don't know if I want to go to VA. And so that's how the day has been. Anxiety, nausea, debates- do I take an Ativan? Do I lay down on the couch? Do I have the energy to write? I should go for a walk with Pattie. Go somewhere. Work on a report that has to be finished by tomorrow afternoon. Ride my bike. "Phone a friend." But I don't feel like doing ANY of those things. I just want to sleep. And count on being motivated to do one of those things later. Or another day. Or another week...

Disconnected. This is how I feel. I feel disconnected from people, relationships; from myself; from God; from the options that I have available to do besides mope, sleep, drink, cut. I cannot seem to grasp any of these things in my hands. There is something that I am avoiding thinking about that I cannot place. There's fear and anxiety associated with it, yet I cannot reach it. It would be easier to describe or understand the fear if I knew what exactly I was fearing. But I don't. It's something so vague...What is it? This is not a riddle!

There is a hole. Again and again, I hear the analogy of our "God-shaped" hole in our hearts and the inability to fill it with anything or anyone else. So then I wonder, what is it that is preventing God (or preventing me from allowing Him) to fill it? Is it this disconnection from Him that I am experiencing? How do I get the fire back? Better yet, will this hole ever be filled? I am not a "lost" person who hasn't yet realized that God can save me, or fill this so-called hole. I know that He is supposed to. But what is it about me? Empty. Or just half full. Either way, there is too much blank space and I'm not sure what is supposed to be occupying it, or if it will ever be occupied for that matter.

STOP

I really need to stop focusing on this so-called "diagnosis" so much and start focusing on The Prize. I have invested soo much time and energy into creating playlists, reading about BPD, reading other self-help books, texting my life away, compulsively texting and emailing people, pushing people away, which is exactly what I want to stop doing. I dont' want to change, but I want to change. What is the scripture about knowing what I don't want to do but I still do what I do not want to do? Yeah that's it. I have become absolutely obsessed with trying to figure out how I can get people to understand and know and accept me. Dr. Kurtz, Kristin, Shannon, Kim, etc. etc., even my own self. Emptyness = depression. Emptyness = lack of faith. What is it? What Laws do apply to us as God's people and which ones do not? He is attracted to lost sheep. But does He think of me as a lost one or just one of the 99 that sins? He loves me no matter what-nothing can separate us. But we are not to sin just because we know we will be forgiven. What does this mean??????? I am so confused and yet so caught up in obsessively thinking and it just won't stopppp.

My goal for this week is to limit texting. It has proven to be a little destructive lately. So I am going to try to keep it to Mom, Dad, Frank, and school MATTERS only. Not just school people, but only school issues. And the cell phone should be hidden when I drink. That would be the wiser decision. Period.

Another semester...

Well, I made it through another semester...somehow. By God's grace, I suppose.

This summer was full of the busyness of 3 classes and working in the lab which provided me an assistantship. ohhhh...and lots of therapy. And a 2 new roommates. And 1 new dog. And lots of reading. And lots of music. And... Waumba Land, of course. Let's see...anything else??

Fortunately, I feel like the latest storm has passed, although it took a whopping 6 months, I'd say. At least. Sure, I'm feeling better now, but there's always a fear of when the next storm will hit. And as in every one, I always fear that I won't be able to make it through even one more. I have certainly had some experiences...

Oh, and did I forget to mention the latest possible diagnosis as a part of my list of summer events?? Well, it is the latest piece of the puzzle of my life, I suppose. BPD. I was quite taken aback when it came up actually, and yet it fits perfectly. Well, almost perfectly. I have read a couple of books on it now, including "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Get Me Out of Here". The latter is one of the best books I've ever read when it comes to a memoir that I can relate to. I don't exactly know how to explain it. I've taken a lot of notes, and it's brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts. Maybe when I finish it I will write some sort of summary or include some sort of list of quotes I strongly relate to.

So, just a few days off before yet another semester begins. I pray that the coming school year will be much better than the last. Not just scholastically, but personally/emotionally. I dont' think I can handle another catastrophic thought taking over my rational mind.

I'm doing my best not to text or email Dr. K, but it has proven to be quite a challenge. I don't know why I still feel the need to. In addition, I am obsessed with several people who have been or are a part of my life. I dont' know why these ideas are dominating my mind so much. I even fear the time when I will move away and no longer see Dr. K. This is a relatively long way off, too.

Well, I better wrap it up. I dont' want to necessarily open a can of worms tonight. Just thought I'd get a few thoughts down.

Until next time,
me

Maybe I can make a difference...

Well, I haven't written in a while again, I guess some because I haven't had much time, some because I've been writing a little in a handwritten journal,and I guess some because I just haven't been motivated to do so.

Anyway, I wanted to write about something I just experienced before I forget it.

This afternoon, I tested a 13 year old boy in the lab, and both of his parents came to fill out their questionairres, as well. He kind of had the "punk" look, with longer dark hair, a black t-shirt, baggy jeans, and dirty Puma shoes. He was really quiet and didn't have much to say when I tried to strike up some conversation or make some silly remarks. Needless to say, I was really interested in figuring him out in the time that I was spending with him. During the cognitive test, I wavered on thinking he was really smart, average, and the amount of effort he was making in each subtest. On the first subtest, I knew the words that most kids his age know. On the numbers reversed and the numbers/things subtests, he spent little energy trying to remember numbers, but when he did, he knew them. On the concept formation, he must not have been paying attention to the directions because he wasn't really following them. In fact, I repeated them for him a couple of times, going against my own training and instructions, but I just KNEW that he would respond with the correct answers if he understood the directions clearly. In the number matching subtest, I was curious because he circled the 1 and 2 digit numbers so quickly that I was astonished. But when he got to the 3 digit numbers, it seemed that they really were jumbled up in his mind. All in all, he did a really good job on the test.

In the physio session, I was a bit hesitant as to his comfort level with Maria and me putting electrodes on him and explaining the procedure to him. He was very modest, as most teenagers are, but still really quiet. Throughout the session, he stayed very still as instructed, but for the most part, he hung his head down so that his hair was in his face. I've seen a lot of different behaviors behind that 2-way mirror, but this kid just stuck out for me.

When we finished with the physio, his parents came back into the lab from their smoke break- Sophie took D (the kid) into the room for the questionairres, adn his parents immediately confronted me to tell me of their concerns about their child. They proceeded to tell me that they were worried about him because he is so introverted, and that his grandmother, grandfather, and great-grandmother had all died in the last few months, and that they - his parents- were divorced but are now reconciling their differences and are back together (they say this while putting arms around each other and smiling). They also told me that he has an older sister who is a trophy queen of sports, academics, and popularity, and that he lives in her shadow all the time. When I asked about how they get along, they laughed and said not very well because he feels so inferior to her because of all of her accollades and apparently she rubs them all in his face. I further asked about his interests, and they told me that he enjoys cars, drag racing, and he loves reading. They said he has always loved to read and reiterated how much of an introvert he is. I also asked about his school performance, and they said he has always been a great student and still is- he just doesn't have the trophies to show for it. I asked about his peer relationships, and they said he does have friends, but they live in a remote area and they aren't very close. I assured them that as long as he continues to do well in school, plays with some friends, and has his "niche", that he should be ok, but that their concern is understandable. I also let them know that they could contact us if there was anything that we do for them.

All this to say... when I walked out of the lab today, I felt really confident and worthwhile. I finally felt that I did something more than give a kid a test and write down some numbers. I felt excited and curious immediately about what his responses to the questionairres were- I almost wanted to do them myself, instead of having Sophie administer them. I immediately thought about which ones would be of concern, particularly the CDI, Parental Knowledge and Disclosure Questionairre, the Harter questionaire, RCMAS, etc. I wondered, with all of that going on in his life and his expression being so inward, what is really going on in his mind? I also thought about how well he sleeps with all of these things going on in his mind. I'm thinking about these things when I'm off campus. I'm thinking about how I hope this will be what my job is like, and not just about testing kids and talking to teachers about how to teach them- I'm hoping that if I have a more personal interaction with these kids, I will really like my job at the end of the day. I'm feeling confident and content. I'm feeling that my work in school really might be worth it in the end if I get a job that I enjoy and feel like I'm making a difference. I'm thinking, there are resources out there for kids and parents to reach out to, and most of them don't know about them or don't think they are worth making an effort to obtain, and I hope that they can come in contact with people who actually care and who actually can help them.

So that's my epiphany of the day. Here's to keeping up the motivation...
~MA

It's Been Awhile.

So it's been awhile. I guess I have been either too busy to blog, or when not busy, just not up to putting my feelings out there any more than I already was. Anywho.

I'm on the up... It sucks taking all these drugs, but then again, who knows what's making me better. It could be any number of things. Therapy, for one, but I don't know if I believe that it actually can affect your depression. I know I know, they say it does and I for one should believe in it- I have always believed it for others (because that's what the research says), but have always been skeptical when it comes to myself. Ok, so Synthroid, for another. Low thyroid = low energy and depression. So I've been taking Synthroid for about 2 months now. Vitamin B. I have been swallowing Vitamin B like candy. Lexapro, 30mg. Could be that, too. And the latest drug: Lamictal. An anti-convulsant, a mood-stabilizer. I don't know that i have been taking it long enough to take any effect- And though it could be a placebo effect, I highly doubt it, seeing as how I have become very discouraged/disillusioned/skeptical about yet another pill. Anywho, I have also been a lot busier. And as I have been reflecting on this, I think more and more every day that this has been the greatest drug of all. Busyness = less time to think, less time to sleep, less time to mope, etc. etc. etc.

So that's that. Here's hoping that the storm won't come back for a while, and the up and up will continue. Also, I'm changing the name of my blog.

Peace.

I don't know where this is going.

The title speaks truth...I really don't know where this is going. I am going to just try writing. It's been so long, I almost feel detached from my own blog. I have come to the point in which I don't even want to use my energy to write what thoughts and feelings are coming. Instead, I sleep. I imagine myself going to some rehab center, and, standing in front of a podium, I say "Hi. My name is M.E.A., and my drug of choice is sleep." Don't laugh. It's true. At least Dr. K recognizes it...I sleep to avoid things. Thoughts. Feelings. Talking to people. Working. Reading. You name it. I'd rather sleep.

My throat burns as I have all these thoughts and feelings sitting there, but I seem unable to be able to purge them. I miss Doug. I feel alone. Do I talk to my parents? Am I just blowing things with them out of proportion?? I am angry at Julie. I still think about Jenna. What will it be like living without Kari next door to me? Will SA ever forget about that night and be normal around me? Is SK over it and comfortable around me now? Why do I fuck up seemingly good friendships?

Jesus, school is going to be hard this semester. No really. I have to write shit every 2 days for this one class, a lot like Kluck's reflection papers, which I HAAAAATED. I have so much shit to read. There's no way I'm going to read it all. Our morning Tues/Thurs dude speaks so far over my head that I feel like a dumbass. And our only grades are tests...great. I suck at tests. I'm not feeling very hopeful about academia this summer!!!

Hopefully the assistantship will go well. If nothing else, it will give me something to do....ANNND pay my freaking tuition. I'm not stoked about giving WJIIIs all the time, but hey, isn't that going to be part of my job?? Which leads me into scary, doubting feelings about career choice....what if I am putting myself through all of this and I don't enjoy school psychology? What if I suck at it? What if the 3 letters after my name aren't worth all of this work?? This is so scary to me. If I don't do this, what will I do? The truth is, it is honestly (has always been) difficult for me to picture myself in the future. I dont' know if it's because I have no dreams or if it's just part of being a pessimist. Sometimes I hoenstly think that I am going to die before I get there. That's all I can say about that.

Well I can't think of anything else to write about.
Until next time.
me.