I don't know where this is going.

The title speaks truth...I really don't know where this is going. I am going to just try writing. It's been so long, I almost feel detached from my own blog. I have come to the point in which I don't even want to use my energy to write what thoughts and feelings are coming. Instead, I sleep. I imagine myself going to some rehab center, and, standing in front of a podium, I say "Hi. My name is M.E.A., and my drug of choice is sleep." Don't laugh. It's true. At least Dr. K recognizes it...I sleep to avoid things. Thoughts. Feelings. Talking to people. Working. Reading. You name it. I'd rather sleep.

My throat burns as I have all these thoughts and feelings sitting there, but I seem unable to be able to purge them. I miss Doug. I feel alone. Do I talk to my parents? Am I just blowing things with them out of proportion?? I am angry at Julie. I still think about Jenna. What will it be like living without Kari next door to me? Will SA ever forget about that night and be normal around me? Is SK over it and comfortable around me now? Why do I fuck up seemingly good friendships?

Jesus, school is going to be hard this semester. No really. I have to write shit every 2 days for this one class, a lot like Kluck's reflection papers, which I HAAAAATED. I have so much shit to read. There's no way I'm going to read it all. Our morning Tues/Thurs dude speaks so far over my head that I feel like a dumbass. And our only grades are tests...great. I suck at tests. I'm not feeling very hopeful about academia this summer!!!

Hopefully the assistantship will go well. If nothing else, it will give me something to do....ANNND pay my freaking tuition. I'm not stoked about giving WJIIIs all the time, but hey, isn't that going to be part of my job?? Which leads me into scary, doubting feelings about career choice....what if I am putting myself through all of this and I don't enjoy school psychology? What if I suck at it? What if the 3 letters after my name aren't worth all of this work?? This is so scary to me. If I don't do this, what will I do? The truth is, it is honestly (has always been) difficult for me to picture myself in the future. I dont' know if it's because I have no dreams or if it's just part of being a pessimist. Sometimes I hoenstly think that I am going to die before I get there. That's all I can say about that.

Well I can't think of anything else to write about.
Until next time.
me.

With or Without You

It's been awhile. Well, I have been working on writing this paper all day today, so I'm not really up for blogging, but I was just listening to this song, and I can't help but relate it to the feelings I have right now about J- It sounds dumb, but ever since I saw her again last week, and again last night (completely coincidently), I just feel so obsessive again. Uggh I've got to get out of this funk. Anyway, here's my song...

"With Or Without You" lyrics by U2

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you