'The Walking Wounded'

"The Walking Wounded"
By Bayside

I'm weak like a one-armed boxer
Throwing punch after punch
After punch I, I give in
I'm so dumb, I'm surprised
When they die

scared, paired walking soldiers.
We're all wounded anyway
In our respective ways

Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?

You stretch the truth like a crooked salesman
Telling lie after lie
After lie, but where's the line?
You burn bridges, you're breaking down

Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?

Let's take this train for one last stop, I know
It's not the end, but it can't be that far

Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
But who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, then our time is up

Scientists they couldn't fix me
I'm so tired of getting out of bed
Who would want to die as a cowardly little child?
When our time is up, will we be ashamed or proud?
[ The Walking Wounded Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

'Hot Doc' Visit

So I saw "Hot Doc" aka Dr. E on Thursday, and I really like him. I pretty much fell apart, telling him that I don't feel good about anything in my life right now, I don't want to do anything, and school doesn't make me excited. It's kind of weird for me to cry in front of a guy doc...guess I'm just used to crying in front of females. Anyways. He is soo nice. He told me, "I know I can't say 'I know exactly how you feel' because I'm not depressed, but I can see that you're hurting and I hurt for you." He said he just really wants to help me, no matter what it takes. He said in 10 years of helping people in this field, only 6-10 have not gotten better. I thought he was going to say that 6-10 killed themselves. Maybe they did, but that's not what he said. He doesn't push the drugs on me, but he believes in them. He also wants to help me find another person, so he gave me a list, and said something about each one, instead of just telling me to pick a name that looks good.

Another thing he said was that the fact that I can't see J anymore has less to do with me and more to do with the rules. I know she told me that, but it means more coming from someone else I guess, maybe just the reassurance of the same story. Apparently they talked, and she found out that she has to stick to the 10-session rule b/c they want the "student counselors" to have their hand at helping "a variety of people." What a great sample of therapy. I mean don't they realize that that's not exactly therapeutic for some people?? I guess not. Oh well.

Another thing he said to me was just a reiteration of the fact that all these thoughts in my head about me being a burden on people is just the depression talking. I keep thinking that people must be getting tired of me moping around, being depressed. But he said that's the depression talking, and it's probably not the case. Sometimes I can tell myself that, but I don't believe it. I guess it was nice that he said that. Either way, though, I believe it's the truth, the fact that people who know me are probably getting tired of me and thinking "get over yourself."

Well, wish me luck with someone new...I'm gonna start with the one Dr. E. said he'd go to himself, or send his own sister to. That sounds like a pretty damn good recommendation, so I'm gonna try her. We'll see. Hopefully I will not get attached as I have to J. And hopefully she will be caring.
~me

Paralyzed.

I feel paralyzed. I can't explain what's going on in my mind, but I'm trying.
I feel so fat.
I feel like I am excited about nothing. I was on a high but now I don't know what I am.
I can't breathe when I start thinking. Then again sometimes I can't breathe even when I am just sitting.
I want to go to sleep for a long long time. At least 'til I can feel happy and excited...and motivated. I do not want to do anything. But then doing nothing makes me go crazy, too. I dont' want to move, but this scares me and I cannot breathe. I don't want to move, but then I am doing nothing and it makes me crazy. Either way, I feel nuts. People havhe to be sick of me- moping and sending text messages, and emails, and blogs. They are probably thinking 'I wish she would just get over herself and stop acting this way.'
I am not motivated for school at all. I've even thought about quitting. But then again, I don't want to work, either. What kind of life am I living, besides selfish, uninspiring, and lifeless??
FML!!!
I feel done with therapy- Now that Jenna knows me, I don't know what to talk about. Besides the fact that I feel dead and want to just go to sleep.
I don't even care right now if I fail my test tomorrow. What does it matter? Kluck doesn't give 2 shits about me anyways, and though I may be a perfectionist, I don't give 2 shits about her class, either.
Time crawls by...Hurry up, PLEASE!!

'Til I Collapse

So today I decided I am just burnt out on life in general. Nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. I used to look forward to class; now I dread it. I slept sooo good last night, and all I really want is to sleep that good again. ASAP. I haven't found motivation in much- graduating with my degree seems soo far away, and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to hang in there with everyone else. It seems like everyone else gets stressed, but they just deal with it. I get stressed, and lately I just want to quit. I have dealt with it so far, but just like anything else, what is the point of going on when you are just "dealing" with life??

Anyways, on my way to class, I was shuffling my ipod and came across this "anthem" and its attempt to knock me into shape- keep going 'til i collapse. Yeah, it's by Eminem, you gotta problem wit dat? lol...



Till I Collapse"
By Eminem

[Intro:]
'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.

[Military style:]
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left
Yo left, yo left, yo left right left

[Verse #1:]
Till I collapse I’m spilling these raps long as you feel em
Till the day that I drop you'll never say that I'm not killing them
Cause when I am not then I am stop pinning them
And I am not hip-hop and I’m just not Eminem.
Subliminal thoughts when I'm stop sending them women are caught in webs spin and hauk venom
Adrenaline shots of penicillin could not get the illing to stop.
Amoxacilin is just not real enough.
The criminal cop killing hip-hop filling minimal swap to cop millions of Pac listeners.
Your coming with me, feel it or not you’re gonna fear it like I showed you the spirit of god lives in us.
You hear it a lot, lyrics the shock is it a miracle or am I just a product of pop fizzing up.
For shizzle my whizzle this is the plot listen up you bizzles forgot slizzle does not give a fuck.

[Chorus - NateDogg]
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out - am I high? Perhaps
I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out and my high burn out
I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.

[Verse #2:]
Music is like magic there’s a certain feeling you get when your real
and you spit and people are feeling your shit.
This is your moment and every single minute you spend trying to hold onto it
cause you may never get it again.
So while you’re in it try to get as much shit as you can
and when your run is over just admit when its at its end.
Cause I'm at the end of my wits with half this shit that gets in.
I got a list here's the order of my list that it's in.
It goes, Reggie, Jay-Z, Tupac and Biggie, Andre from Outcast, Jada, Kurupt, Nas and then me.
But in this industry I'm the cause of a lot of envy, so when I’m not put on this list the shit does not offend me.
That's why you see me walk around like nothing's bothering me.
Even though half you people got a fucking problem with me.
You hate it but you know respect you’ve got to give me
The press's wet dream like Bobby and Whitney. Nate hit me.

[Chorus - NateDogg]

[Verse #3:]
Soon as a verse starts I eat it at MC’s heart
what is he thinking? How not to go against me? Smart.
And its absurd how people hang on every word.
I’ll probably never get the props I feel I ever deserve
But I’ll never be served my spot is forever reserved
If I ever leave earth that would be the death of me first.
Cause in my heart of hearts I know nothing could ever be worse.
That’s why I’m clever when I put together every verse
My thoughts are sporadic, I act like I’m an addict
I rap like I’m addicted to smack like I’m Kim Mathers.
But I don’t want to go forth and back in constant battles
The fact is I would rather sit back and bomb some rappers.
So this is like a full blown attack I’m launching at them
The track is on some battling raps who want some static
Cause I don’t really think that the fact that I’m Slim matters
A plaque of platinum status is whack if I'm not the baddest.

[Outro:]
Until the roof
The roof comes off
Until my legs
give out from underneath me

[Eminem:]
I will not fall,
I will stand tall,
Feels like no one could beat me.

Case Approach to CBT

Case Approach to Cognitive-Behavior Therapy

Assumptions of the Theory
The primary assumptions of cognitive-behavior therapy are that our emotions stem from beliefs, evaluations, interpretations, and reactions to life situations, and that these things contribute to psychological problems. From this perspective, cognitions, emotions, and behaviors interact and are reciprocal in a “cause and effect” relationship. In cognitive-behavior therapy, there is an emphasis on the “here and now” and not the past or the future. With the assumption that one cannot change things that have happened in his or her past, therapy focuses on identifying irrational beliefs and cognitions and learning how to change them into healthy ones. In doing so, one is responsible for his or her own feelings, regardless of what others say or do.

Assessment Techniques
Assessment techniques from the cognitive-behavior perspective are very similar to the behavior therapy perspective. For example, there is a collaborative relationship between the therapist and client, and there is a focus on changing cognitions in order to produce desired changes in behavior and emotion. Also similar to the behavior therapy approach, therapy is time-limited, focuses on specific target problems, and assesses the function of disturbances in the cognitive process.

The first step, however, is to identify irrational beliefs in the client. Using the A-B-C Framework, the therapist and client together can identify the events that cause such beliefs, the beliefs themselves, and also the consequences of these beliefs. In this case, the client may learn to recognize that particular social situations often lead to irrational beliefs. Sometimes the client feels isolated or like she “doesn’t fit it,” and this leads to her believing that she isn’t likeable or that she isn’t “normal” like everyone else supposedly is around her. These irrational beliefs then lead to emotional consequences, such as feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and loneliness.

Another event that leads to irrational beliefs and emotional consequences is spending time with her family. When the client is with her family, she reports having the belief that they are judging her as a person and feels vulnerable. These beliefs lead to a great deal of anxiety and discomfort in the presence of her family. By identifying the activating event/situation, irrational beliefs, and their consequences, the client can next learn to make changes in her cognitions and behaviors.

Goals
In the cognitive-behavior therapy model, therapy is seen as an educational process. As in the assessment process, the client’s first goal should be learning how to identify settings and situations in which she begins to feel uncomfortable. After identifying these situations, the client can identify her irrational beliefs. These beliefs, in addition to those listed above, may include “No one likes me,” “I don’t fit in,” and “No one would miss me if I were gone.” In addition, Ellis identified three irrational beliefs that the client strongly identifies with. These include “I must win the approval of others,” “Others must treat me well,” and “I must get what I want when I want it.” With the help of the therapist, the client will learn that these thoughts are in fact irrational and should be changed in order to become emotionally healthy. Other goals include learning how to separate her evaluation of herself from that of her behaviors. It is very important for the client to learn that her behaviors do not define her as a person OR qualify her as a “good” or “bad” person. It is imperative that the client not only accept herself in spite of her imperfections, but also that she learn to accept others in spite of their imperfections. Doing this may consist of recognizing that although her family may be critical and/or conservative, they still love her and they do have other qualities that make them “good” people. The client also should have a goal of minimizing as many self-defeating thoughts and behaviors as possible. Belittling herself and her worth is not helpful nor healthy. After learning how to alter her thought pattern, the goal is to ultimately alter her behavior, thus also reducing the strength and amount of consequences of those behaviors. For example, by recognizing that others do not judge her the way that she has been believing, she may begin to feel more comfortable in social situations, have a stronger self-esteem, and feel less anxious.

Intervention Methods
One intervention that would be very helpful in this client’s life is implementing the A-B-C Framework, mentioned above. The therapist may give the client a homework assignment that involves identifying specific situations in which the client develops irrational beliefs, what those beliefs are, and finally, what the emotional and behavioral consequences are. After doing so, the therapist may discuss these things with the client and help her to recognize other things that she could think about in similar situations (or disputing the irrational beliefs), or possibly help her to learn how to avoid the situations that lead to the irrational beliefs and consequences. In disputing irrational beliefs, the therapist might suggest replacing “musts” and “shoulds” with preferential language such as “would like.” For example, when the client believes that she must win the approval of others, the therapist may encourage her to believe that she would like to win the approval of others, but it is not absolutely necessary; the world will not end if others do not approve of her.

Other intervention methods the therapist could use include rational emotive therapy, role playing, and shame-attacking exercises. In rational emotive therapy, the client would imagine feeling the way she would like to feel, creating more positive thoughts about herself and her future. Also, she could imagine the worst possible scenario occurring, and the therapist would help her to deal with that, learning that the world would not come to an end in that case, either. For this client, she may imagine being confronted by her family about her actions, which may cause a lot of anxiety. The therapist would help her to realize that despite the confrontation, her family would still love her and she could still love them. This may help to reduce the amount of anxiety she experiences when she is around her family in the future. In role playing, the client may pretend to be in a social situation where the therapist is someone new, and the client may experience the anxiety and discomfort she feels in similar situations in “real life.” However, by role playing, the client can recognize the anxiety she feels and the irrational beliefs she has about being inadequate, allowing her to change those beliefs in a similar “real life” situation. Finally, in shame-attacking exercises, the client would work to feel unashamed even when others disapprove of or seem to be judging her behaviors. In doing so, the client could gain self-confidence and increase her self-acceptance in spite of those behaviors. This may include helping the client to recognize that even though her peers and/or family may not approve of everything she does, she does not have to feel ashamed or guilty.

Top of the World...

I'm so elated right now, I'm on top of the world. I cannot stop thinking about you! I am praying for so many things-- that I will not be let down in this- that neither of us would get hurt- that this is not just lust or infatuation; that it is real! I cannot even sit still! Thoughts of our time together keep entering my mind- idea of going 4-wheeling with you and throwing the football or baseball are even more exciting that a romantic dinner with candlelight and wine! God, please don't let me be let down in this! Please let M be ok with this and not angry or jealous or upset with either of us- please let me be on the same page as YOU and you.

I cannot wait to see your face again. Your smile, your beautiful eyes...I am falling so fast that it actually worries me that I may be doing soemthing wrong! But you seem so right. So right. Please don't let me be let down- please do not let my excitement hurt me- it has been soo long since I felt this way, and yet I know how quickly I can get carried away with dreaming! Oh, how I am dreaming right now!!

Nothing Like It.

I just wanted to say that there is nothing like someone whose opinion you value telling you that you are beautiful.

That's all I have to say about that...

"We All Need Saving"

"We All Need Saving"
by Jon McLaughlin

Come on, come on
You have got to move on
This is not the you i know
This isn't real
It's just all you can feel
And that's the way that feelings go
And whether or not it's right or wrong you'll do what you will do

[Chorus]
When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

Say what you will but the time that we fill
While we're on the earth
Should not be alone
We were meant to be known
You make me what i'm worth
But i can't keep you from yourself you'll do what you will do

[Chorus]

I don't know why it has to be this way and
I don't know the cure
But please believe someone has felt this before

[Chorus]

Dear J.

Dear J,
I am addicted to approval. And the needed to be wanted and liked and loved, too, I suppose. I hate this addiction. I know there are things that are worse out there. I'm sure I have other addictions, too, but this hurts so much. I HATE that I feel this way right now. Sometimes I wonder which is worse--having known you and having you be there for me and me becoming dependent on you, or having never known you at all-and not feeling this way. I've done it before--you know, getting attached to someone knowing it's not healthy. But not to a therapist- in no way, shape, or form. I dont' understand it. How can God put someone in our lives just to end it with hurt? I've heard this a 1000 times--"Let Go and Let God". Trust me, I wish it was as easy as saying those words. Why is it so hard for me? Why won't I allow Him to be enough? What is wrong with me? I feel so unlike anyone else. So attached and yet so dissociated. I don't know what I want from you. I don't know what the healthy thing to do is. But why would not seeing you anymore feel this way? Why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I jealous of SK b/c she gets to keep talking to you?? I haven't wanted to tell you that I felt this coming because I was afraid you'd tell me to go sooner than you already have. I was afraid I'd freak you out and you'd pass me on to someone else. I was afraid you'd think I was being gay and attracted to you. I was afraid. I don't know what I'm scared of. Oh yeah--maybe you not liking me. One day you said "I like you" and I couldn't believe it. I don't know if I've ever heard anyone say that to me. I probably have, but when you said it, it was different. It probably meant nothing to you, but it meant a lot to me. It meant you accepted me with all my baggage. I know everyone has baggage, but you have the choice to like them or not. But then when you started telling me you wouldn't be willing to fight for me, it felt like you took it back- maybe you didn't like me like you thought you once did. Maybe I AM too much. Just like I am for everyone else-- everyone who really knows stuff about me. Why am I doing this? Why I am feeling this way? Why isn't God putting better thoughts into my head? Why does it always lead down the same path?? Why does He put people who will care about me in my life and then jerk them away? I dont' get it.
You might be mad at me if I put this on my blog. But know that if I do, no one will really read it and have a clue. Trust me- if you can.
I'm sorry if this seems completely blown out of proportion. I know that you and others will probably think that should anyone even bother to read this, and someday I probably will, too. I'm sorry. I realize even saying 'I'm sorry' can be annoying in and of itself, and I'll go ahead and apologize for that, too. That's all I can say right now.

Thoughts on CBT

This week I am doing a presentation on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and I found some interesting things thaht I wanted to comment on... One part of CBT is Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), which is based on the assumption that our emotions stem from our beliefs, evaluations, interpretations, and reactions to life situations. This is very much the case for me. There have been many times in my life where my emotions have been COMPLETELY driven by my reaction (usually OVER-reaction) to a particular situation- particularly in relationships. I also wanted to quote a part of my text that describes the relationship between the client and the REB Therapist, which is something I am ALWAYS thinking about...what is the appropriate level of self-disclosure, empathy, etc. in therapy.?

"...REBT practitioners unconditionally accept all clients and also teach them to unconditionally accept others and themselves. However, Ellis believes that too much warmth and understanding can be counterproductive by fostering a sense of dependence for approval from the therapist. * REBT practitioners accept their clients as imperfect beings who can be helped through a variety of techniques such as teaching, bibliotherapy, and behavior modification skills. Ellis builds rapport with his clients by showing them that he has great faith in their ability to change themselves and that he has the tools to help them do this.
REB therapists are often open and direct in disclosing their own beliefs and values. Some are willing to share their own imperfections as a way of disputing clients' unrealistic notions that therapists are 'completely put together' persons. On this point, Wolfe (2007) claims 'it is important to establish as much as possible an egalitarian relationship, as opposed to presenting yourself as a nondisclosing authority figure'. Ellis (2002) maintains that transference is not encouraged, and when it does occur, the therapist is likely to confront it. Ellis believes that a transference relationship is based on the irrational belief that the client must be liked and loved by the therapist, or parent figure."

One more thing-- here are 3 Irrational Beliefs "that we internalize that inevitably lead to self-defeat":

1. 'I MUST do well and win the approval of others for my performance or else I am no good.'
2. 'Other people MUST treat me considerately, fairly, kindly, and in exactly the way I want them to treat me. If they don't, they are no good and they deserve to be condemned and punished.'
3. 'I MUST get what I want, when I want it; and I MUST not get what I don't want. If I don't get what I want, it's terrible, and I can't stand it.'

Further comments may be added...

Between the Trees

So after thinking about TWLOHA, I started thinking about the bands I heard who endorse them, and Between the Trees is one of them. I remember Doug and I loved them the first time we saw them so much that we drove down to Columbus one night just to hear them play in some crappy room. It seems they're gettin big now and have their 2nd album coming out this summer. Anyway, I like their sound and their lyrics, and I'm adding a couple of pictures that I took of them in Columbus.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Words"

This night, this night just like the rest
These same thoughts running through my head
The same reckless phrase with a different face
They say, they say that I am worthless
But I'm not listening
I swear, and yet
Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes built to be broke down
Around and around
I'm falling down, again

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill

This feels the same
Complications in different situations
I am holding out for love
Is it worth it
To die a little each day
All for unseen grace

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
(meant to be broke down)
Surely kill
Your words are breaking down now

I would say
Where I've been to where I am
It is worth it
His grace
When all else fades
You can see it
His face
So now...

Round round they spin like a record now
Same false hopes meant to be broke

These thoughts were meant to be broke down [x11]

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
Your words they surely kill
They surely kill
They surely kill
Your words are breaking down now
___________________________________________

"A Time For Yohe"

As she sits in the corner
Face to the floor
She dispels smoke from from her lips
And slowly floats away with it
Letting go of so much pain
Her tears are thick enough to stain
The pavement that slowly becomes
Her best friend when she needs to run away

This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
Old walls

Does it help to say I'm sorry
If so than I'm sorry that your so unhappy
This life those lies are starting get you down
Darling don't let them drag you around
Saying "it's my fault" doesn't help repeated
Time, love and Jesus seems to beat it
She'll find out this is harder than
Taking medicine

This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down

We're still waiting for the fire
We're still waiting for the fire
Seeing smoke and waiting for the fire
We're still waiting for the fire
We're still waiting for the fire
Seeing smoke and waiting for the fire
We're still waiting for the fire

This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
This is your time to weep
This is your time to mourn
Not yet time to build up
Just a time to tear down
Old walls
_________________________________________________

"The Way She Feels"

She's upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it there's nothing
There is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows she cries

All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip, just forget the bleeding

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows she cries [x2]

Curled up she's on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse

Now she's slowly opening...
New eyes...

Then she opened her eyes
And found relief through His life
And put down her knives

Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her life

Obsession-

Sometimes I feel obsessed with a person. I really like this song, and the lyrics really parallel how it feels sometimes. Gotta love Staind lyrics--I love so many!

"All I Want"
By Staind

What I leave,
When you go,
What I see,
And what you show,
And what I guess,
And when I don't,
Is something you all ready, all ready know,

[Chorus:]
I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you,

The things I do,
I go through,
And all I see,
When Im awake,
And what I make,
The shit that I take,
Is something you all ready, all ready know

[Chorus:]
I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you,

Ohhh,...
Is you,
Is you,
Is you,
Is you,
You're all I dream about,
That I can't live without,
All I want is you

[Chorus:]
I can't live without,
All I think about,
All I want is you,
You're all I dream about,
I can't live without,
All I want is you,
I just can't live without you,
When all I think about is you,
And all I want is you

'See ya girl'

He says 'see ya girl'!! Just like B did. I guess I'm trying to be patient, but I'm not really being successful. Maybe he's worth it. Maybe I need to stop focusing so much energy on Franko and spend it thinking about others instead. I dunno. I just wanted to say that though. He says "See ya girl" and I love it. Maybe someday he'll put his arms around me and then say it...

Purpose For the Pain

Several years ago, my friend Doug and I discovered the beginnings of a movement called To Write Love On Her Arms, or TWLOHA. I loved the idea- the idea that LOVE can keep people alive, no matter what they are feeling. I identified with so many of the thoughts and feelings that Jamie talked about this one night in some little place on 14th street in Atlanta. I remember sitting on some old couch with Doug and thinking someone knew how I felt. And he felt the same. He loved it too.

It's been awhile since I've followed the group and it's blog. But when I was in Boston, I was so excited (and surprised) that professional psychologists were even aware of the group- I went to 2 workshops on self injury, and they both mentioned TWLOHA. It amazed me that they have come from single rooms with run-down couches to national conferences. That is so cool. I just love their philosophy and the rawness of the reality that they recognize- that hurting isn't just a psychopathology. That's it real and it sucks but people survive it.

After visiting the website, I found out that Renee (the basis upon which TWLOHA was originally created) published a book called Purpose For the Pain. I can't wait to read it and I hope others, both who have felt the pain AND who want to better understand the pain, will check it out.

Props to TWLOHA and Renee.
~me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU-XQ69qXSg&eurl=http://www.twloha.com/blog/general/&feature=player_embedded

www.twloha.com

www.purposeforthepain.com

Bleeding fingers and lips.

Bleeding fingers and lips.
That’s gonna be the name of my band someday--because I bite my fingernails and lips so much that they bleed. Ha. Tis the sign on of a grad student-this one, anyway.

Lots to write about, but I don’t know if I (a)have the time or (b) want to take the time.

Yesterday was a really weird day- To start out, I woke up energetic and motivated. I went to the grocery store and made lunch before my 1:00 class, which is actually a lot for me. I woke up at 8:20 thinking it was at least 10. Lately I’ve been waking up without or before my alarm goes off, which, for me, is an AMAZING feeling. Yeah seriously. As long as the sun has come up, I am ok with it right now. It means I don’t want to stay in bed all day or roll out of bed thinking only about the next time I can come back to it. Hopefully, this is the Abilify working on my side. Granted, I do have a lot on my mind, but it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between positive energy and negative energy.

Tangent--I went on one. Anyway, by the time I was in Dr. B’s class, I was on the edge of having a PA because I felt so overwhelmed with all of the work to do. In one moment, I felt like I was on easy street, able to conquer everything, and shortly after, I felt absolutely bombarded. The only thing I keep falling back on is lists. Lists lists lists. It’s the only way I feel like I am not going to forget something(s) and stop obsessing about it all in my head. But honestly, I don’t’ know if it’s helping. Then again, I would probably be a mess if I didn’t do it, too.

Anywho.

Boston was fun… I was really glad to get away from school, even if I did learn a few things! Lol. I actually intended (and wanted) to go to more workshops and presentations, but I also wanted to enjoy my time just exploring with the girls in Boston. Our group surprisingly didn’t really get on my nerves, although it WAS exhausting being with humans 24 hours a day! I didn’t sleep at all the first night because we had so many people in our room and I am not very good at sleeping with other people in my bed (I know, ironic, as I am the touchy-feely type).

I did, however, run into some….ehh…hard feelings one day when I was talking to a girl from school that is a year ahead of me, and I felt it. It is the weirdest feeling and I wish I could explain it to someone somehow. I can be talking to the person (or they talking to me), and suddenly I look into her eyes, and she sees my soul, I see hers. I get tingly in my body and I feel attracted to her. It is the weirdest and most frustrating feeling ever. It would be great if it were reciprocated. But I haven’t felt that in a while. Actually, I don’t’ know if it would be great in this case. I’d prefer it be someone I WANT to be attracted to. Anyway, so then I felt obsessed with her for at least 24 hours. What is my freaking problem?? I really don’t want to ruin a friendship. Friendships. And I feel that that is exactly what I’m doing when I make a friend and then blow it by becoming attracted, ESPECIALLY if I do anything that makes her know it. Take SK for example-- She has been such a great friend to me through one of the ugliest times of my life, and yet I feel like I completely pushed her away because I decided to get drunk one night and see if she would “try something”, even though I KNEW that she didn’t want to. And then I felt rejected. And then I apologized 1800 times. And then I felt like an ASS. And now I just hope I didn’t/haven’t messed things up. Damnit, I hate myself when I do that.

Today Dr. E told me about a prof in our dept. (Ed) that has done research on military. I was ELATED. In my mind, I think, finally, someone at this school who may share the passion for military that I have. Maybe I can work with him. Maybe I can even get an assistantship….ohhhhh the possibilities. And yet, reality (or maybe just my overt sense of pessimism) tells me no way. I want to try, anyway.

My babies. Oh how I love my babies. I am sitting here writing while they sleep in their cribs this very moment. I am thinking back to that night just a few weeks ago, when I was here and wanted to end it all. I wanted so badly to still be able to hold my babies but I didn’t think I was going to make it to that moment again. I haven’t told anyone this because I was afraid someone would think I’m crazy and never let me around them again. They were not in danger. Not ever. But at one moment, I could not stop crying, so I went and I woke Ch up and took her out of her crib and just held her and rocked her in a rocking chair in her room. I wept and I told her I wanted her and her brother to live a good life. I prayed that they would never feel the way I did that moment. I cried and I cried and she slept in my arms and she put her hand on mine. Oh how I love her. I am so glad I have gotten to hold them again. So very glad. It breaks my heart, though, thinking of that night, every time I hold them again now. I held Ch until I stopped crying momentarily and knew that their parents would be home soon. I placed her gently back in her crib, kissing her, and patting Co on his back, as if it were the last time I’d ever see them again. I don’t know if I planned on that, but I planned FOR that. Wrapping things up. That’s what I did in those days before I…checked myself in.

Why I am talking about this?

J--just a few more times. I am really still sad that I won’t be talking to her after a month. I wish so badly that she’d fight for me and know that it hurts me to tell me I have to leave. I hate it. After all that.
This strong-willed part of me thinks, maybe she will finish her dissertation soon. Maybe she will become certified soon. Maybe I can pay her to listen to me sooner than later. Then again, that sounds pretty pathetic. Then again, how in the world am I so cynical about something that I believe in my head makes sense, but in my heart and on my sleeve, well, I’m cynical. Sarcastic. Skeptical. “what’s your diagnonsense?” “Have you seen your therRAPIST yet?” Girl Interrupted. Don’t think I’m that sick if you’re reading this.

I am soo ready for a glass of wine…

Case Approach to Gestalt Therapy

Case Approach to Gestalt Therapy

Theory Assumptions
In accordance with the Gestalt approach to therapy, the individual or client must be understood by the therapist and others in the context of their relationship with the environment. This involves gaining awareness of one’s experiences both personally and socially. There is an assumption that through awareness, change can and will occur in an individual’s internal dynamics. This awareness is gained through appreciating and fully experiencing these dynamics and life experiences. While this process does not call for understanding why things occur, it does focus on the here and now and the what and how behind one’s experiences. By understanding these things, one can be better in touch with his or her awareness, which according to the Gestalt approach, can cure internal conflicts alone. In Gestalt therapy, the role of the therapist is to enable the client to come into contact with his or her experiences, whether past or present. By bringing the individual’s past experience to the present, the therapist helps the client to understand exactly how those experiences felt and impacted him or her. Understanding why certain events occurred is not a part of this process. Instead, understanding what they are and how they impacted the individual’s psyche is more important and imperative to gain awareness, thus ultimately resolving conflict.

Assessment Methods
In the case of the present client, it would first be important to gain a sense of trust in order create a safe environment for the client to open up to me as the therapist. After building this sort of rapport, it will then be easier for the client to open up about both her past and present life experiences. It will be important for the client to make contact with her past experiences with family members and peers, by experiencing in the present those sounds, sights, smells, and feelings that occurred in the past. For example, the client may share her experience with being a perfectionist as a child, remember how that feels and comparing it to her current thoughts and experiences of being a perfectionist. Contact with other experiences, such as playing softball may also be appropriate to better understanding the experience of both playing and not playing. For example, the client may remember how exhausted she felt after pushing herself mentally and physically for so long while playing softball, and this may lead to presently feeling more comfortable with the decision to quit several years ago. Coming into contact the feeling of exhaustion, the smell of dirt, the feel of the blazing sun, and the sound of cheers from the dugout and stands may bring about mixed emotions about softball for the client, but bringing them to her awareness will be helpful in resolving conflict that may be related to her past experiences with playing and quitting.

Other methods of assessing the client may include resolving “unfinished business” with past experiences. This may involve pretending to be a child again and coming into contact with the senses at a time during childhood when the client felt alone or abandoned by peers and family members. The client would make statements implying the childhood feelings are being felt now, like “I feel that…,” instead of “I felt that…” In putting herself in that position in the present and yet having a more mature perspective now, she may be able to resolve some “unfinished business.” As a Gestalt therapist, I would pay particular attention to the client’s body language and affect while she expresses these experiences. I may notice her lack of eye contact when talking about things that she feels embarrassed about or ashamed of, or her poor posture indicating a lack of confidence. Other expressions that I pay particular attention to may include her soft and often mumbling style of speaking when expressing her feelings about peers and how she sometimes feels isolated, both as a child and today. As a Gestalt therapist, I would also pay attention to specific language, such as the replacement of the pronoun “I’ with “you” or words of uncertainty, such as “I guess,” “perhaps,” and “maybe,” which she uses very often. Without deflecting, or veering away from the client’s expressing herself, it would be important to share my perception of these experiences, as the therapist, at an appropriate time. These would not necessarily be confrontationally overbearing, but rather insightful and hopefully helpful to the client’s ability to gain awareness of her experiences. For example, helping her to understand that she seems unsure of herself because she so often uses words of uncertainty or indecisiveness would make her more aware that she does so, and help her to use words that are more certain and clear.

Goals
The ultimate goal of participating in Gestalt therapy with the client is for her to gain a better awareness of both her past and present experiences, thus resolving the internal conflict. In gaining awareness, the client should become more content with who she is and what she does, rather than feel sad or anxious about what she has done in the past or who she will become in the future. In coming in contact with her feelings during specific experiences, the client will open herself up to making her own interpretations of those experiences and find meaning in them. Finding meaning in particular experiences may take a long time, and thus should be a long-term goal. However, a short-term goal could be gaining awareness of one experience at a time, and interpreting the meaning of each on an individual basis. For example, as mentioned above, if she could come into contact with her past experiences of playing softball, she may currently be able to understand why she quit and be more confident in her decision to quit several years ago. Also, there is a more pressing issue that revolves around the client’s feelings about her mortality, the meaning of life, and whether she is living a life worth living. This conflict may be ongoing, but a short-term goal may involve making contact with the feelings she had when her friend committed suicide, and remembering how that impacted others, as well. This experience may help the client to understand that despite the fact that the meaning of her life may be unclear, the importance of her life is very clear. While the short-term goal in this case is understanding the importance of staying alive now, the long-term is truly understanding her ultimate purpose in life.

Intervention Techniques
As mentioned above, trust between the therapist and the client is imperative in being successful in the therapeutic relationship. In order for interventions to be successfully implemented, as the therapist, I must walk a fine line of being nonjudgmental and yet sharing my perceptions and being mildly confrontational when necessary and appropriate. As the ultimate goal is for the client to gain increased and enriched awareness, my job as the therapist is to create the best environment for doing so. This may include encouraging the client to experiment, or shift from talking to experiencing certain events in her life. Other exercises include the internal dialogue, whereby the client engages in dialogue between the two polarities that exist internally. In the “making the rounds” exercise, the client can practice interacting with others (which in this case, would occur outside the therapeutic setting) by confronting, risking, and sharing herself with others, which is truly a challenge for this introverted client. In the reversal exercise, I would ask the client to behave opposite her natural self, such as extremely extraverted or energetic in order to allow her to recognize and accept both her natural characteristics, as well as others that do not come so naturally. Finally, in the rehearsal exercise, it will be important for the client to realize how much she wants to be liked and accepted by peers, as well as family members by sharing her rehearsals aloud.

Thought I'd spice things up and add a pic-since I talked about softball, I thought I'd include a couple pics from back in the day-when I was good.

Snow in 'bama...

Again, text TBA, but here are a few pictures until then...

Boston

Text TBA...until then, here are a few pics.