Bleeding fingers and lips.

Bleeding fingers and lips.
That’s gonna be the name of my band someday--because I bite my fingernails and lips so much that they bleed. Ha. Tis the sign on of a grad student-this one, anyway.

Lots to write about, but I don’t know if I (a)have the time or (b) want to take the time.

Yesterday was a really weird day- To start out, I woke up energetic and motivated. I went to the grocery store and made lunch before my 1:00 class, which is actually a lot for me. I woke up at 8:20 thinking it was at least 10. Lately I’ve been waking up without or before my alarm goes off, which, for me, is an AMAZING feeling. Yeah seriously. As long as the sun has come up, I am ok with it right now. It means I don’t want to stay in bed all day or roll out of bed thinking only about the next time I can come back to it. Hopefully, this is the Abilify working on my side. Granted, I do have a lot on my mind, but it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between positive energy and negative energy.

Tangent--I went on one. Anyway, by the time I was in Dr. B’s class, I was on the edge of having a PA because I felt so overwhelmed with all of the work to do. In one moment, I felt like I was on easy street, able to conquer everything, and shortly after, I felt absolutely bombarded. The only thing I keep falling back on is lists. Lists lists lists. It’s the only way I feel like I am not going to forget something(s) and stop obsessing about it all in my head. But honestly, I don’t’ know if it’s helping. Then again, I would probably be a mess if I didn’t do it, too.

Anywho.

Boston was fun… I was really glad to get away from school, even if I did learn a few things! Lol. I actually intended (and wanted) to go to more workshops and presentations, but I also wanted to enjoy my time just exploring with the girls in Boston. Our group surprisingly didn’t really get on my nerves, although it WAS exhausting being with humans 24 hours a day! I didn’t sleep at all the first night because we had so many people in our room and I am not very good at sleeping with other people in my bed (I know, ironic, as I am the touchy-feely type).

I did, however, run into some….ehh…hard feelings one day when I was talking to a girl from school that is a year ahead of me, and I felt it. It is the weirdest feeling and I wish I could explain it to someone somehow. I can be talking to the person (or they talking to me), and suddenly I look into her eyes, and she sees my soul, I see hers. I get tingly in my body and I feel attracted to her. It is the weirdest and most frustrating feeling ever. It would be great if it were reciprocated. But I haven’t felt that in a while. Actually, I don’t’ know if it would be great in this case. I’d prefer it be someone I WANT to be attracted to. Anyway, so then I felt obsessed with her for at least 24 hours. What is my freaking problem?? I really don’t want to ruin a friendship. Friendships. And I feel that that is exactly what I’m doing when I make a friend and then blow it by becoming attracted, ESPECIALLY if I do anything that makes her know it. Take SK for example-- She has been such a great friend to me through one of the ugliest times of my life, and yet I feel like I completely pushed her away because I decided to get drunk one night and see if she would “try something”, even though I KNEW that she didn’t want to. And then I felt rejected. And then I apologized 1800 times. And then I felt like an ASS. And now I just hope I didn’t/haven’t messed things up. Damnit, I hate myself when I do that.

Today Dr. E told me about a prof in our dept. (Ed) that has done research on military. I was ELATED. In my mind, I think, finally, someone at this school who may share the passion for military that I have. Maybe I can work with him. Maybe I can even get an assistantship….ohhhhh the possibilities. And yet, reality (or maybe just my overt sense of pessimism) tells me no way. I want to try, anyway.

My babies. Oh how I love my babies. I am sitting here writing while they sleep in their cribs this very moment. I am thinking back to that night just a few weeks ago, when I was here and wanted to end it all. I wanted so badly to still be able to hold my babies but I didn’t think I was going to make it to that moment again. I haven’t told anyone this because I was afraid someone would think I’m crazy and never let me around them again. They were not in danger. Not ever. But at one moment, I could not stop crying, so I went and I woke Ch up and took her out of her crib and just held her and rocked her in a rocking chair in her room. I wept and I told her I wanted her and her brother to live a good life. I prayed that they would never feel the way I did that moment. I cried and I cried and she slept in my arms and she put her hand on mine. Oh how I love her. I am so glad I have gotten to hold them again. So very glad. It breaks my heart, though, thinking of that night, every time I hold them again now. I held Ch until I stopped crying momentarily and knew that their parents would be home soon. I placed her gently back in her crib, kissing her, and patting Co on his back, as if it were the last time I’d ever see them again. I don’t know if I planned on that, but I planned FOR that. Wrapping things up. That’s what I did in those days before I…checked myself in.

Why I am talking about this?

J--just a few more times. I am really still sad that I won’t be talking to her after a month. I wish so badly that she’d fight for me and know that it hurts me to tell me I have to leave. I hate it. After all that.
This strong-willed part of me thinks, maybe she will finish her dissertation soon. Maybe she will become certified soon. Maybe I can pay her to listen to me sooner than later. Then again, that sounds pretty pathetic. Then again, how in the world am I so cynical about something that I believe in my head makes sense, but in my heart and on my sleeve, well, I’m cynical. Sarcastic. Skeptical. “what’s your diagnonsense?” “Have you seen your therRAPIST yet?” Girl Interrupted. Don’t think I’m that sick if you’re reading this.

I am soo ready for a glass of wine…