Dear J.

Dear J,
I am addicted to approval. And the needed to be wanted and liked and loved, too, I suppose. I hate this addiction. I know there are things that are worse out there. I'm sure I have other addictions, too, but this hurts so much. I HATE that I feel this way right now. Sometimes I wonder which is worse--having known you and having you be there for me and me becoming dependent on you, or having never known you at all-and not feeling this way. I've done it before--you know, getting attached to someone knowing it's not healthy. But not to a therapist- in no way, shape, or form. I dont' understand it. How can God put someone in our lives just to end it with hurt? I've heard this a 1000 times--"Let Go and Let God". Trust me, I wish it was as easy as saying those words. Why is it so hard for me? Why won't I allow Him to be enough? What is wrong with me? I feel so unlike anyone else. So attached and yet so dissociated. I don't know what I want from you. I don't know what the healthy thing to do is. But why would not seeing you anymore feel this way? Why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I jealous of SK b/c she gets to keep talking to you?? I haven't wanted to tell you that I felt this coming because I was afraid you'd tell me to go sooner than you already have. I was afraid I'd freak you out and you'd pass me on to someone else. I was afraid you'd think I was being gay and attracted to you. I was afraid. I don't know what I'm scared of. Oh yeah--maybe you not liking me. One day you said "I like you" and I couldn't believe it. I don't know if I've ever heard anyone say that to me. I probably have, but when you said it, it was different. It probably meant nothing to you, but it meant a lot to me. It meant you accepted me with all my baggage. I know everyone has baggage, but you have the choice to like them or not. But then when you started telling me you wouldn't be willing to fight for me, it felt like you took it back- maybe you didn't like me like you thought you once did. Maybe I AM too much. Just like I am for everyone else-- everyone who really knows stuff about me. Why am I doing this? Why I am feeling this way? Why isn't God putting better thoughts into my head? Why does it always lead down the same path?? Why does He put people who will care about me in my life and then jerk them away? I dont' get it.
You might be mad at me if I put this on my blog. But know that if I do, no one will really read it and have a clue. Trust me- if you can.
I'm sorry if this seems completely blown out of proportion. I know that you and others will probably think that should anyone even bother to read this, and someday I probably will, too. I'm sorry. I realize even saying 'I'm sorry' can be annoying in and of itself, and I'll go ahead and apologize for that, too. That's all I can say right now.