I really need to stop focusing on this so-called "diagnosis" so much and start focusing on The Prize. I have invested soo much time and energy into creating playlists, reading about BPD, reading other self-help books, texting my life away, compulsively texting and emailing people, pushing people away, which is exactly what I want to stop doing. I dont' want to change, but I want to change. What is the scripture about knowing what I don't want to do but I still do what I do not want to do? Yeah that's it. I have become absolutely obsessed with trying to figure out how I can get people to understand and know and accept me. Dr. Kurtz, Kristin, Shannon, Kim, etc. etc., even my own self. Emptyness = depression. Emptyness = lack of faith. What is it? What Laws do apply to us as God's people and which ones do not? He is attracted to lost sheep. But does He think of me as a lost one or just one of the 99 that sins? He loves me no matter what-nothing can separate us. But we are not to sin just because we know we will be forgiven. What does this mean??????? I am so confused and yet so caught up in obsessively thinking and it just won't stopppp.
My goal for this week is to limit texting. It has proven to be a little destructive lately. So I am going to try to keep it to Mom, Dad, Frank, and school MATTERS only. Not just school people, but only school issues. And the cell phone should be hidden when I drink. That would be the wiser decision. Period.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Another semester...
Well, I made it through another semester...somehow. By God's grace, I suppose.
This summer was full of the busyness of 3 classes and working in the lab which provided me an assistantship. ohhhh...and lots of therapy. And a 2 new roommates. And 1 new dog. And lots of reading. And lots of music. And... Waumba Land, of course. Let's see...anything else??
Fortunately, I feel like the latest storm has passed, although it took a whopping 6 months, I'd say. At least. Sure, I'm feeling better now, but there's always a fear of when the next storm will hit. And as in every one, I always fear that I won't be able to make it through even one more. I have certainly had some experiences...
Oh, and did I forget to mention the latest possible diagnosis as a part of my list of summer events?? Well, it is the latest piece of the puzzle of my life, I suppose. BPD. I was quite taken aback when it came up actually, and yet it fits perfectly. Well, almost perfectly. I have read a couple of books on it now, including "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Get Me Out of Here". The latter is one of the best books I've ever read when it comes to a memoir that I can relate to. I don't exactly know how to explain it. I've taken a lot of notes, and it's brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts. Maybe when I finish it I will write some sort of summary or include some sort of list of quotes I strongly relate to.
So, just a few days off before yet another semester begins. I pray that the coming school year will be much better than the last. Not just scholastically, but personally/emotionally. I dont' think I can handle another catastrophic thought taking over my rational mind.
I'm doing my best not to text or email Dr. K, but it has proven to be quite a challenge. I don't know why I still feel the need to. In addition, I am obsessed with several people who have been or are a part of my life. I dont' know why these ideas are dominating my mind so much. I even fear the time when I will move away and no longer see Dr. K. This is a relatively long way off, too.
Well, I better wrap it up. I dont' want to necessarily open a can of worms tonight. Just thought I'd get a few thoughts down.
Until next time,
me
This summer was full of the busyness of 3 classes and working in the lab which provided me an assistantship. ohhhh...and lots of therapy. And a 2 new roommates. And 1 new dog. And lots of reading. And lots of music. And... Waumba Land, of course. Let's see...anything else??
Fortunately, I feel like the latest storm has passed, although it took a whopping 6 months, I'd say. At least. Sure, I'm feeling better now, but there's always a fear of when the next storm will hit. And as in every one, I always fear that I won't be able to make it through even one more. I have certainly had some experiences...
Oh, and did I forget to mention the latest possible diagnosis as a part of my list of summer events?? Well, it is the latest piece of the puzzle of my life, I suppose. BPD. I was quite taken aback when it came up actually, and yet it fits perfectly. Well, almost perfectly. I have read a couple of books on it now, including "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Get Me Out of Here". The latter is one of the best books I've ever read when it comes to a memoir that I can relate to. I don't exactly know how to explain it. I've taken a lot of notes, and it's brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts. Maybe when I finish it I will write some sort of summary or include some sort of list of quotes I strongly relate to.
So, just a few days off before yet another semester begins. I pray that the coming school year will be much better than the last. Not just scholastically, but personally/emotionally. I dont' think I can handle another catastrophic thought taking over my rational mind.
I'm doing my best not to text or email Dr. K, but it has proven to be quite a challenge. I don't know why I still feel the need to. In addition, I am obsessed with several people who have been or are a part of my life. I dont' know why these ideas are dominating my mind so much. I even fear the time when I will move away and no longer see Dr. K. This is a relatively long way off, too.
Well, I better wrap it up. I dont' want to necessarily open a can of worms tonight. Just thought I'd get a few thoughts down.
Until next time,
me
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