Years later...a familiar place to write.

I was thinking of starting an email, typing in a Word document, starting a new blog, etc. etc., but this seemed so much easier! Just picking up where I left off....years ago. I can't believe I am saying that- "years"...

Interesting to read through the places I've been over the last few years. I find myself in such a different place now, yet so many things are the same.

In the past 2 years, I *have done my best to* change my attitude from "getting through each day" to "living." Period. Getting through each day is so depressing, wishing life would hurry up and pass by. I'm always digging deeper into that saying, "Life is short." I mean relatively-in terms of eternity-it is short; but when you're living, life is not short. Does that make sense??

In just picking up and writing about where I am now - without updating as though I need to - I am going to say this: The depressing thoughts that I am having right now relate to this: I have no intimate relationships right now. Not in the physical sense, but in the emotional, connection sense. I have no one to whom I tell my struggles, my fears, my everything. I keep this from my family, that from so-and-so, and others from everyone else. This is a lonely thought.

I am finding myself wanting to sleep more and more, and this is scary, because I know what this means. It means the depression is back. It means I could be on a slippery slope. And yet it is familiar; it is...I don't know... I have these indecisive thoughts- like I make up my mind to do something, and then before doing it, I decide I'm not sure I want to do it. Example: I got up thinking I was going to VA today; I went to church and was up for a good day. After the music stopped at church, I sat down and I began thinking...I just want to go home and sleep. I don't know if I want to go to VA. And so that's how the day has been. Anxiety, nausea, debates- do I take an Ativan? Do I lay down on the couch? Do I have the energy to write? I should go for a walk with Pattie. Go somewhere. Work on a report that has to be finished by tomorrow afternoon. Ride my bike. "Phone a friend." But I don't feel like doing ANY of those things. I just want to sleep. And count on being motivated to do one of those things later. Or another day. Or another week...

Disconnected. This is how I feel. I feel disconnected from people, relationships; from myself; from God; from the options that I have available to do besides mope, sleep, drink, cut. I cannot seem to grasp any of these things in my hands. There is something that I am avoiding thinking about that I cannot place. There's fear and anxiety associated with it, yet I cannot reach it. It would be easier to describe or understand the fear if I knew what exactly I was fearing. But I don't. It's something so vague...What is it? This is not a riddle!

There is a hole. Again and again, I hear the analogy of our "God-shaped" hole in our hearts and the inability to fill it with anything or anyone else. So then I wonder, what is it that is preventing God (or preventing me from allowing Him) to fill it? Is it this disconnection from Him that I am experiencing? How do I get the fire back? Better yet, will this hole ever be filled? I am not a "lost" person who hasn't yet realized that God can save me, or fill this so-called hole. I know that He is supposed to. But what is it about me? Empty. Or just half full. Either way, there is too much blank space and I'm not sure what is supposed to be occupying it, or if it will ever be occupied for that matter.