Soul Cravings...

3/26/12

I can't tell if this is real or if this is something I'm creating in my head...I think to myself, I'm making too much of this...I'm thinking too much...there really is no reason to be thinking these thoughts. But...I feel lost in myself-both my thoughts and my feelings. I feel like I haven't stopped biting my fingernails in weeks. When I looked in the mirror today, I realized my lip had been bleeding from chewing on it. I cannot stop. When I do, I am sleeping. 

I look at my thigh and I see superficial scrapes where I once saw deep bleeding cuts. They don't even look substantial. I feel this need to make them more substantial in my eyes. I think...this is crazy; I don't have to do this. Why am I thinking this? And then I return to the other thought again--this is something I want to do. And I think, why not do it? Aside from the insanity of it all, I really can't think of a reason not to do it. No one sees it; if someone does, then they know me...really KNOW me. And the phrase continues to run through my mind again and again: I don't care. 

I am at a loss for what to talk to God about. What do I ask Him? Each morning, I pray mostly the same "old story": requests for strength and energy, a good day, feeling well, being productive, etc. I pray for others on my mind and and for their health and safety. And then I'm on with it, the same thing every day.  And so, I feel numb with this lukewarm faith. I feel apathetic at times, despite making selfish requests and a few prayers for others. I have little desire and yet little...reason for avoidance at the same time. And I don't know why. I recall praying in the past that I would not just be loved but that I would FEEL loved. And I repeat this in my mind at this moment because I am not exactly sure that I am feeling anything; I don't know- that is always repeating in my mind..."I don't know."

I feel hungry and full all at the same time. I feel fat and lazy and achy and tired. my breath becomes more and more shallow each minute that passes by. And I debate: Ativan or no Ativan,? Drink? Sleep? And I wait and I hope and i wait some more, hoping someone will send me a message...especially "you". I try so hard not to be the first- to let you be just for at least a night without making you think of me. This ongoing battle will not relent in my mind and in my gut; I just keep hoping and waiting. And the frustration that this brings is incredible and then tenfold as I think about the weight it puts on you and on the relationship that we have established. I consistently fear I am sabotaging something good...and then I think maybe I'm sabotaging something that is really only something in MY mind. And I hate this about me--this perpetual "thinking this" and "saying that" and then saying I'm sorry and I'm sorry for being sorry and I'm sorry for saying I'm sorry and...I'm just messing up more and more with every thing I say, let alone think. And I cry. Because of all things, being annoying and burdensome and frustrating and Unappealing is soo not what I want to be to you. Or anyone for that matter. And I just think the less I say, the better. But then I feel. Which leads to speaking. Fail. :(
...which leads me to...true sadness at this moment. This is something that I DO feel, but then I made myself feel this way because of all the places my mind has taken me...therefore there was nothing there before I made something, right? Good gracious, this is exhausting. I question even sharing this with AnYone because I am exhausted with it myself and can only imagine what it looks like from the outside...

Ending this evening with 2 quotes I just read from Erwin McManus' "Soul Cravings":

"When we live in an intimate relationship with God, we are able to love ourselves and become passionate about loving others. When we are disconnected from God, we find ourselves increasingly empty of love."

"We are born to belong, we are created for connection, and whether we admit it to ourselves or not, we spend our whole lives trying to fit in, get in, and stay in. It almost doesn't even matter what 'in' is; we just want to belong somewhere."