Damn I am tired...mentally. I could potentially be going nuts... I cannot stand to be inside of myself. I know that what I have to stay probably makes absolutely no sense. But I can't help it. I just have this constant jittery feeling, like what will I do with myself next?? I can't sit still for more than a minute, which makes for HELL when you have 3 hour classes, not to mention 2 of those back 2 back. Ughhh...have I mentioned before how much I hate Tuesdays?? I keep complaining to everyone how I hate sitting through these classes, and they all seem to respond by saying "eh-it's not that bad...i kind of enjoy it." Ok so basically it's just me. I mean, I made it through 1 semester and part of this one just fine. I haven't always hated it like this. What is my freaking problem?? B brought up the fact that it could be the Abilify making me feels this way...why didn't I think of that sooner?? Maybe it could be that I am so caught up in feeling this way and sleeping and wondering what to do with myself and plotting my own death that I haven't thought about that...until last night. Maybe it IS the Abilify that is making me feel this way. I mean, I do feel less depressed (I think??) but then I hate this feeling so much that it makes me want to die, so then again maybe I am still depressed. Who knows. Grrr...Today, while sitting in class, I literallly thought about leaving and getting....................................... Well this is interesting. I had this long story and suddenly I hit a button and it was gone. Does this mean something? Does this mean I shouldn't have typed it in the first place? ok fine. I'll go with that. But I am frustrated, damnit.
Well next subject. Potential good news: there is a chance that I could get an assistantship next school year, which means school is PAID FOR and I might get paid on top of that!!! This is SUPER news. I am currently not allowing myself to get too excited because A. It might not happen, and B. I'm worried about getting myself through the rest of the semester, let alone through the rest of my school time. So it's slightly difficult for me to get excited, but this is definitely something to be excited about. Getting this assistantship would mean my mom doesn't have to pay for my school (approximately $30k/year) and I would not have loans to pay back. This is huuuuuuuuuuge. It would not only be like a gift to myself, but to my parents, too. Sooo...pray for me because on Thursday I have an interview with a lady who will be working in collaboration with "Joe" to make the decision as to whether or not I will be offered the position. Also, pray that if they do offer it to me, that I will be able to accept and complete the job as required, and kick this $h!t depression and anxiety so I can be successful at doing the job and maintaining my student status. Ok so prayers would be good ok?
Umm...well I tried emailing Dr. K, but apparently I either don't have the correct address or she has not checked it, or she has and she has not responded by email nor by phone. Grrr. I am also debating on calling Dr. E (hot doc) to ssee if I should see him before next Thursday regarding this whole Abilify thing. BTW, if he changes it, let me know if you know anyone who needs some b/c I currently have 3 bottles in my possession...damnit!!!
Ok I think that's all for now, though this has been quite therapeutic...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment