I don't really feel like going into reasons and background shit, so I'm just typing what I wrote in the back of my sudoku book and 1 piece of paper. Forgive the language, as I tend not to care when in a depressive state.
My life in the psych ward...
It's like a movie, but I'm a patient. In the fucking psych ward. Crazy ppl around me. I know how G'ma feels, surrounded by crazy old people, 4 plain walls, a shitty bed with stiff white sheets, a "dayroom" for all the stranger crazies to sit together and pretend to watch the tv in awkwardness. This guy down the hall wants to kill his wife. He told me so. In group therapy. He has the biggest freaking hands I've ever seen on a human being. Eric, this guy I had a class with is working here. I'd love to tell him I'm here to volunteer with him, but instead, I was admitted- I'm a patient. I can just remember standing in the bar upstairs downtown last semester and chatting with him about school and such. And now I'm a fucking patient.
Fucking crazies sitting around outside, some in their elephant-sized hospital gowns, other in the "civies", socks with flip=flops. We can't even wear shoes with laces- we may try to hang ourselves or strangle someone else I guess. But no worries b/c I have NO shoes. Turns out my male nurse Focker put my running shoes in my bag and sent them home with Shannon. No shoes for me.
You know, they're only crazies cuz I'm one of them right now. I have compassion for them, but usually I'm "on the other side of the table". But today, I'm one of them. Today, I got meals on these big-ass plastic trays, with cold rubbery food from every food group. And I got woken up at 6 o'clock in the fucking morning for no reason except to start my crying earlier than if they had just let me get myself up. I got people with RN, MD, and PhD behind their names to see me at my worst, having just woken up after crying myself to sleep, having day-old hair and no makeup and a tear-staind face and probably bad breath, too. In the looney-bin, here I am. Can't even find sanity in music b/c I might strangle myself with the cord of my earbuds. Maybe someone could develop wireless earbuds for ipods- just for the looneys like me!
On to real paper I guess- I ran out of white space in my Sudoku book. Oh yeah, did I mention the cages around the windows? Last night I thought they were solid b/c I couldn't see anything. But this morning I learned that they have some sort of mesh covering between the blinds and the room, with metal panels outlining the windows. They are locked. Not only can you not get out the window; you can'tn even see out it. Perhaps if you did, you might want to make a run for it- who knows?
You have to ask for everything. I HATE asking. Particularly people I don't know. There are so many wall plates and shit on the walls, and yet nothing. I had to flip 4 switches before one even turned the lights off- who knows what the others even did. I know this isn't the Ritz Carlton, but they dont' even have a tv in here- outlets to taunt you, even a [OO] button on the bed, but NO tv. The girl said if there was a tv, people might not leave their rooms---duhhh. And that would not help them to get better. Anyways. Not a phone, either. If you want to talk to someone on the phone, they have to call you and you get to talk to them in the "day room". In front of all the crazies and nurses, you get to air out all your business--within the hour you're allowed phone calls, that is.
I feel like Tom Hanks, stranded on an island. I need to make me a "Wilson"- a friend, someone or something to entertain myself. What can I do with sheets, a 1/2 zip fleece, 3 books, a pen, 2 styrofoam cups, and a graham cracker wrapper?? Hmmm....I WILL make something! Maybe I'll call it 'Dixie' hahahahahahaha....
Oh beverage choices. Would you like Sprite Zero or Diet Caffeine free Coke?? Becuase God forbid you have too many calories and you get FAT ANDDD HAPPY in this place!!!!!!!!!
Why do we group crazy people and sad people together? I know they are both mental illnesses, but aren't they quite different?? You don't put monkeys and cows in the same little square pens just because they are both animals, do you ??
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