Can't Sleep

Can't sleep. I'd say I don't know what the problem is, but I do. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop these thoughts from racing in my head. Nothing will make them go away. I am trying not to take an ativan b/c hot doc told me not to (I might get addicted), but I hate the way that leaves me feeling...like I have nothing to hang on to if I can't deal with this anxiety and these racing thoughts. At least I have it, though. I can always fall back on it.

Grrr so I am reallllly frustrated about I how I feel about J. I feel that same sense of having on 50 min. to spill tomorrow and then I'm by myself again for another week. It was almost better when I wanted to kill myself and I coudl see her every few days...that's pretty f-ed up. What's the point? Why do I think I need to talk to her more? I don't get it. God, please don't let this obsession fall on her.

I've been thinking, what if I have Bipolar and experience hypomania instead of full mania? Like the other night, I felt so productive and I felt like I had just solved the world's problems b/c SA made me think about my obsessions preluding those relationships. I don't know. My thoughts ARE racing. I really want to be with sometone, but I am afraid that this feeling will be gone when the opportunity actually comes. Hmm. My eyes are burning my it doesn't change what's going on in my head. I tried to find the name of the song that was played at the end of church this morning and I can't find it. I tried iTunes and all the lyrics websites, too. Dangit.

B "fb-chatted" me tonight, just as his song came on on my itunes shuffle--"Love Don't Live Here Anymore". how ironic. He's here...with his gf for the stupid holiday. Why would he fb chat me when he's at his gf's house? Weird. I mean I guess friends can do that. But still, weird. I wonder sometimes if she even knows about me. Oh who cares.

Bllahhhh. Going to play cards again until I try to go to sleep again. My thoughts are killing me...once again.

P.S> It pisses me off for some reason that the clock on this blog site is over 2 hours behind...freakin LA time. lol. So always add 2 hours to the time posted. If you care like I do. blh.