Dreams...Plaguing Dreams.

Oh, these dreams, I cannot stop having these disturbing, memorable dreams! I keep saying I am going to keep a dream diary, but it's really hard to keep up with all of them seeing as how I have these deep, moving, sometimes can't-get-out-of-my-head-for-days DREAMS!!

Last night alone, I can think of a few dreams that continue to float through my head as if they cannot find their way out. I dreamed that Grandma Mary was dying, and that I had a premonition the night before she was going to die, and so I traveled (road my bike?!)from school to her house. I laid on the floor, watching her, thinking about her life and my life and what I wanted my last moments with her to be. My parents were there, as were Uncle S and D, and we were all just waiting for her to die. But she kept on persisting, despite her health, and defeated death one minute at a time. This is no dream- it's so very real. She walked, despite her aching, sick body, because she did not want to be defeated. She threw up, multiple times (not surprisingly, seeing as how she had so many stomach issues in her lifetime). I don't remember our final words, but I remember she finally succumbed to death, and I mourned, oh I mourned. It was as if someone I really loved and who really really loved me had just died. I see her beautiful face in my mind. Of all people, she had written ME a letter. I read "Dear Marianne," and then the rest of the words fade out of my memory. She left me a small amount of money, but I did not care about it- Instead, I mourned for the loss of her life. My mom, well, Grandma Mary had left my mom of lovely pair of red heels, because she knew my mom would have loved them. Those are all of the details I remember about that dream.

I rode my bike a lot in another dream. I was with a friend and her boyfriend, and it seems like they were Hispanic (was it Leslie and Hideki??). We rode fast fast fast, and I crashed, out of control of the pedals and breaks and low tires! My friends went looking for the parts of my bike that had flown off in the collision with something. Anyway, after that, I remember searching and searching for AW, determined to find her and talk to her again. I looked for those with whom she had associated with (as if I was surfing on facebook!), and did not want to give up looking for her. Just one last time, I needed to see her face. I needed to talk with her. Please, just tell me what you're thinking, where you've been, what's happening in your life. But she did not want to talk to me. No surprise, I was longing for just one more moment with her, and she was so over me. So over me.

It angers me that my obsession defeats me, and interrupts not only my conscious life, but my unconscious life, too. Why can't I forget about them? Why can't I move on? Why me, and why don't they think about me like this? Why do I care still? Go away! Get out of my life! It makes me crawl into that hole where I yell out "FUCK YOU!!!" to make them go away, especially HER. And by now I know that saying that will not make her go away (I've tried it, for so long, trust me). But seeking happiness elsewhere doesn't seem to be working either. Time? I don't know, I am so tired of waiting. Longer and longer. Are relationships worth this grief? Do new ones just cover up the memories of the old ones? If so, is dealing with the grief they leave you with better than the grief you dealt with before? My heart aches, along with the depths of my throat, just thinking about this...