Back again

Back again. It's been a while, as I tend to save it all up, thinking that would be a good thing to write about, but then I don't do it. Maybe that's why I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest. Fucking anxiety.

I know I said in November that I was going to finally go to the counseling center, but I didn't. I was afraid of going then and then waiting another month to go back. well I finally went a couple of weeks ago. I was nervous as hell, but thanks to lots of prayers and some Ativan, I made it through the intake session. I've never talked to a male doctor about my mental health, so it was kind of different for me. Anyways, I ended up shedding a few tears and was pretty shocked at myself- was it because it was a guy, because I took ativan before, or just because I reached a breaking point at that very moment?

Anyways, I had only been twice when, once again, the f&cking depression plague hit me again, and I finally fell apart at a time when someone could see it. Well, someone professional. All those years of what I felt like was wasted time, where I knew I felt one thing at home and another in their offices- When was there going to come a time when I actually fell apart IN the office? Well I guess my time came. And there it was, freakin vulnerable as hell in front of a practical stranger.

As a result, I am getting "life check" calls this weekend. I preferred to just send an email saying I'm alive, but I am about 99% sure that after discussing it with her supervisor, J had to call me instead. She probably will not be able to email me as we discussed, either. Freakin policies. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about the whole "are you alive" call. At 11:45 I got nervous as hell, like it was going to be a big deal to say "hello, and yes, i am alive". Anyway, at 12 straight up I got the call and said the words. And that was that.

I am buying time, avoiding doing any work for school. I need to, but I really just don't want to. I keep remembering, though, that if I put stuff off (esp. this early in the semester), I could really F things up for myself. If I am not successful in this, my one and only responsibility right now, then I might just really be F-ing my life up. This weight is sooo heavy and I cannot breathe.

This too shall pass. It will. If I survive this crap again this time, I will be fine in a few days and wonder what I was thinking. I wish I could explain to people that this is not just PMS. I mean, seriously, what if almost every month you went from being a fairly successful individual to wanting to freaking kill yourself and back again within a week? And shit, one of the worst parts is that I know I will feel it again. And though I have always survived it so far, when will I not? When will I just decide it's not worth going through another time? That scares me.

I am trying to decide whether or not to email J today. Part of me really wants to share some stuff with her so maybe she understands me more, but then again that is probably me just succumbing to this omnipotent desire for me to be known and accepted. Why isn't her just telling me that she understands and isn't judging me enough? Why do I want so badly for her to know everything? I mean, 2 weeks ago, I didn't even know her. And the truth is, this too will come to an end, this whole "therapeutic relationship". At some point I will probably walk out of her office and never see her again. And she will be caring about other people and will not give a shit about me. Just like everyone else. Fuck, why am I so needy??


"Send the Pain Below" by Chevelle

I liked having hurt,
So send the pain below where I need it,
You used to beg me to take care of things,
And smile at the thought of me failing.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)

You used to run me away,
All while laughing.
Then cry about that fact,
'til I returned.

But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating.

I can't feel my chest,
Need more, drop down,
Closing in.

I can't feel my chest,
Drop down.

I liked, having hurt.
So send the pain below,
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [I liked]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [Having hurt]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below.